When You're Evil and Dead
by Sforzie
Summary: Kuja's dead, and meets the other FF villains in the underworld...and lots of stuff happens. COMPLETE, 071004!
1. Welcome to Hell

Disclaimers: Square owns Final Fantasy, whichever number this story pulls from. I'm not sure who owns Zelda. Oo Nintendo?   
Notes: If I offend any fans of any of the characters in this, don't worry. I'm only doing this 'cause I love 'em.  
Additional: Yes, more than three years after it's original posting, I'm going back and doing a little bit of cleanup work on this story. In addition, a few months ago I also drew the first chapter of this as a mini-comic! You can find it linked on my main FFnet page.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 1: Welcome to Hell

Kuja looked around, scratching his head in confusion.

"Is this hell?" he wondered out loud. A tall thin man appeared, wearing all red. He had horns and a scaly tail. The man was carrying a pitchfork in one hand, and a clip board in the other.

"May I help you, sir?"

"With that fashion sense, this _must_ be hell," Kuja muttered. The demon sneered.

"I didn't ask for your opinion. Besides, it's company uniform." He tapped the pitchfork on the floor. "Now, may I help you, sir?"

"I don't know. I'm dead. What now?"

"Ah, so you're dead..." the demon looked at his clipboard. "Cause of death?"

"Um... either cursed by my creator or eaten by an angry tree."

"We're all cursed, so it must be the other," the demon snickered. He flipped through a few pages. "Let's see... angry tree... angry tree... what about 'soul tree'?"

"That might be it."

"Yes." He pointed to a long line. "That way, please."

:

Kuja stood in a line for a while. A long while. Long enough to 'think about what he had done', as a sign on the wall suggested. Eventually he reached the front of the line. Another demon stood there. This one was female looking, but the forked tongue sort of turned Kuja off of her.

"Alrighty," she said in an annoying nasal voice. "What are you in for?"

"Killing a few hundred thousand people, being a narcissist, kicking my creator off a cliff, trying to kill my little brother and his friends, and... blowing up a planet."

The demonesse didn't seem very impressed. "Ah, yes. That would make you Mr. Kuja, wouldn't it?"

"That it would."

She wrote his name on a nametag and slapped it roughly onto his chest. "You wear that for the next few millennia, please. You'll need to be going to the 'Final Fantasy villains and other forms of evil' room."

"The what?" he blinked, rubbing the sore spot from where she had slapped on the tag.

"I didn't stutter," she snapped. She pointed down a long corridor. "Room 1239B. Don't straggle. Enjoy your stay in Hell."

:

Kuja made his way down the hall until he reached the room.

"1239B," he said uncertainly, "this must be the place."

He reached for the door handle, but the door flung open instead. He nearly fainted at the form that grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him inside.

"Come on in, cutie!" the buxom blonde Alexandrian soldier slammed the door behind him as they entered. "Now, you just make yourself at home, 'cause yer gonna be here for a while!" She let go of him. "And watch out for the Gimme Cats, they're in heat."

Kuja blinked in confusion as the soldier wandered away.

Looking around the room, Kuja noticed with slight dismay that Garland and Queen Brahne were not present. He was disappointed, having hoped to annoy them for a few eons. There were, however, a lot of Alexandrian soldiers wandering around. He hadn't realized there were so many.

Kuja was about to take a step forward, when a tall man stepped in front of him. He wore a long black trench coat, had long flowing silver hair, and was carrying a big sword.

A really big sword, Kuja noticed as he yelped and stepped away quickly. The Alexandrian soldier on the man's arm giggled. The man gave Kuja a menacing look.

Suddenly, the man held the sword up in front of Kuja's face. "I have a sword!" He giggled.

Kuja swallowed nervously. "So I see." He looked at the man's nametag. It read "Sephiroth" in neat letters, with a happy face drawn below it in either blood or nail polish.

The soldier giggled. "You'll have to excuse him. He isn't adjusting to being dead too well."

"A sword!" Sephiroth wiggled the blade in front of Kuja again for emphasis.

"Or the rum drinks."

"How did he get in with the sword?" Kuja wondered as Sephiroth looked around the room.

"Some guy came in with it stabbed in his back, so Sephy kinda reclaimed it," the soldier giggled again.

"I have a sword!" Sephiroth cried, dragging the soldier off.

"Damn science experiments," a man dressed in black muttered. He was wearing a visitor's tag that read "Gannondorf". Kuja laughed nervously and quickly made his way past.

He worked his way through the room, doing his best to avoid various angry looking monsters that were lounging about. And various angry looking dead people. Kuja wanted to sit down, and looked for a table. Despite the fact that everyone in the room was condemned to eternal suffering in some fashion or another, no one seemed really that miserable. In fact, a party atmosphere surrounded the place.

Most of the good tables were taken, filled with various people. All looked somewhat evil, and somewhat intoxicated.

Kuja finally reached the back of the room. There was only one seat open. He hesitated as he looked at the other occupants of the table. The first was a strange looking woman, who sat staring blankly. The second was a Gimme Cat. The third was a man wearing a heavy red cloak. He had blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, and a long blue feather extending from his ornate hair clip.

Since the man was looking down, seemingly very focused on writing something, Kuja turned to the woman.

"Excuse me, miss..." He looked at her nametag. "Top Tower?"

"Don't bother talking to her," the Gimme Cat hissed. "She's just an ornament."

"An ornament?" Kuja blinked. The Gimme Cat's nametag read "Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow", all crammed onto the tag in very small letters.

"Yes," Meow x17 said evenly. "That's the guy you want to talk to about the chair." He pointed his tail at the man in red.

"Must I?" Kuja whispered. There was something about the man that made Kuja feel even more uneasy than the rest of the place did.

"If you want to sit, Meow," Meow x17 said. Kuja sighed.

"Excuse me, sir?" Kuja couldn't see his nametag. (Like I need to tell you who that is.)

The man tilted his head up slightly. Kuja's tail bristled from where it was hidden. The man was downright creepy looking. His skin was white, and the red lines painted around his eyes made him look like Meow x17 had gotten upset and tried to claw his eyes out. The man's eyes were icy blue, and Kuja cringed as he looked at him.

"What?" he spoke in a low, even voice, but Kuja sensed a bit of restraint there.

"Is, uh.... is this chair taken?" Kuja squeaked. The man tilted his head up a bit more. Kuja cringed as he noticed the smirk on the man's blood red lips.

"It depends," he said softly.

"On what?" Kuja swallowed.

"Are you insured?" the man said, his voice rising slightly in pitch.

"I'm dead," Kuja said dryly.

"Good enough." The man gestured at the chair. Kuja remained frozen in place, and after a moment the man stood. "I'm sorry, how rude of me." He moved around Kuja, resting a hand on the chair. "Where are my manners? I should always pull the chair out for a young lady."

Kuja flushed. "I'm not a woman!"

"Being flat chested is nothing to be ashamed of," the man said, his lips curling into a twisted grin. "Miss Kuja." Kuja's flush darkened as he felt the man's hand rest on his backside.

"I'm not a girl!" Kuja shrieked. His tail lashed out from underneath his skirt and swatted the man's hand away. The man backed away, his brows arching in surprise.

"Her voice is too deep to be a girl, Kefka," Meow x17 snickered.

Kefka pursed his lips, still eyeing Kuja. "We'll see."

Kuja sat heavily in the chair. Kefka returned to his own seat.

"How do you sit on your tail like that?"

"Practice," Kuja said, eyeing Kefka. The man looked more and more like a psychopathic clown every time Kuja looked him.

"Cross dresser?" Kefka said hopefully. Kuja flushed again.

"I was created looking like this," he snapped.

"Oooh, another freak," Kefka giggled. The sound make Kuja's skin crawl.

"What's your excuse?" Kuja said sourly, accepting a drink from the waitress that passed by their table.

"I'm insane," Kefka said with a sharp nod.

"He's a freak like you, meow," Meow x17 said.

"I'm not a freak!" Kefka shouted, pounding a gloved fist on the table.

"And I'm not a woman," Kuja said sarcastically. Kefka arched a brow.

"Uwee..."

"Don't get him started!" Meow x17 hissed. He ducked as Kefka pointed at him and shot a small bolt of electricity at him.

"I'll laugh if I want to, you stupid mangy feline!" Kefka said viciously. Kuja started to rise from his seat.

"Maybe I should go--"

"No!" Kefka's hand darted at him, grabbing Kuja's arm with surprising strength and pulling him back down into his chair. "You're not going anywhere!"

"But--"

"You're the first person to ever want to sit with us, and I'm not letting you go that easily!" Kefka snarled. Kuja winced. This man was frightening. Kind of like Garland before his morning coffee, but not as warm and cuddly.

"F-fine," Kuja said uneasily. "I'll stay."

"Good!" Kefka said brightly, the angry look quickly leaving his face. "Uwee hee hee hee!"

Kuja blinked at the laugh. Meow x17 sighed and shook his head.

Kefka looked keenly at Kuja. "Would you like to hear my story?"

"I... I guess so?"

"Excellent!" Kefka motioned to the waitress. "Waitress! Another drink for Miss Kuja!"

Kuja sighed as Kefka began to laugh again. It was going to be a long eternity.

--

End Chapter 1


	2. Kefka

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as Chapter 1. (Also, the general lack of villains from 7 and 8 [and the others, at that] is because when I originally wrote this, I hadn't finished those games yet. My bad. ; Not that you probably want them subjected to this anyways...)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 2: Kefka

"Why don't you drink?" Kuja asked curiously as the waitress brought another glass to their table.

"Because it makes me act weird," Kefka said.

"Right."

Kefka tapped a pen in his hand, eyeing Kuja. The violet-haired villain flushed again.

"Will you stop that!"

Kefka stopped the tapping, but kept his eyes on Kuja.

"I meant the leering!" Kuja crossed his arms.

"Oh, don't be such a prude, Kuja," Kefka smirked. "Mwee hee! You're the first girl who's come by lately who hasn't been armed."

"All those Alexandrian soldiers are a real drag," Meow x17 agreed.

"I'm not a girl!!!"

Kefka shrugged, giggling. "And I'm not a god anymore, but you don't see that slowing me down."

Kuja sighed. "This really is hell."

"No doubt!" Meow x17 said cheerfully. Kuja downed his new drink, grimacing. Kefka called for another.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're trying to loosen me up?"

"I never was subtle, uwee hee," Kefka grinned, tilting his head.

"If you're trying to get me out of my skirt, it's not going work," Kuja said sourly.

"Maybe, maybe not," Kefka said. "You don't have that much to get out of."

Kuja cleared his throat in annoyance. "I though you were going to tell me your story."

Kefka clapped his hands together with a giggle. "Yes, my story! Me me me!"

"Hello, ego," Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

"Oh, that's nothing," Kuja waved a hand dismissively before receiving a new drink. Kefka looked at him curiously. "But, your story first."

"Right, right," Kefka nodded repeatedly, more than eager to entertain what the ever-confused voices in his head were referring to as his new 'lady-friend'.

Kefka pressed his fingers together. "I was born, and then I grew up, and then I joined the Empire's army--"

"The end," Meow x17 said sharply. He ducked another attack from Kefka. The blonde turned back to Kuja, resting a hand on his knee. Kuja chose to ignore it since he was only touching his boot.

"I wonder where I can buy some pants in hell," Kuja muttered.

"You can have mine," Kefka grinned. "Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja flushed again. "Your story!"

"Yes, my story!" Kefka sat back up, his hand still on Kuja's knee.

Kuja considered getting a lock to put on his thong as Kefka began talking again.

"I was in the army, and they all loved me," Kefka said cheerfully. "They loved me so much, they decided that I was worthy of being a test subject for some new experiment."

"At least you weren't born an experiment," Kuja smirked, taking a sip of his drink. Kefka patted his knee.

"_My_ story," he said pointedly. Kuja nodded. "The scientist guy gave me a bunch of magic powers. His name was Cid. He was nice, but then he started working with that girl Celes. Stupid traitorous bitch!" Kefka curled his free hand into a fist and shook it angrily.

"Khehehe..." Kuja tried to muffle his laughter. Kefka looked brightly at Kuja.

"But I got my revenge! I killed a bunch of Espers and took their powers--"

"What's an Esper?" Kuja wondered.

"Just a weird powerful magic beast thingy," Kefka said.

"Sounds like an Eidolon."

Kefka blinked. "What's an Eidolon?"

"A weird powerful magic beast thingy," Kuja smirked. Kefka grinned and nodded.

"Sounds about right!" He cleared his throat. "Anyhoo, I took the power from the Espers and became really strong. I killed a bunch of people, scared cute little animals, burned down towns, poisoned rivers. It was a lot of fun."

"Sounds like it."

"Eventually I got bored with that, and so I killed off the Emperor and made myself the Emperor."

"I should have thought of that," Kuja said to himself.

Kefka continued, giggling occasionally. "And then I knocked out the balance of the magic power in the world, and everything got messed up."

"Messed up?"

"Kinda destroyed everything," Kefka said, smiling. "I controlled everything after that, and since being Emperor wasn't quite good enough, I made myself a god."

"Impressive."

"I know," Kefka grinned. "Being a god was even more fun. I blew up towns and terrorized people. I even had a cult following!"

Kuja raised a brow. "Wow."

Kefka paused in his reverie, peering thoughtfully at Kuja. "You know, you have a really cute nose."

Kuja gritted his teeth. "_Your story_!!"

The other man giggled and cleared his throat. "Right, right, where was I..."

"Cult following," Meow x17 said. Kefka nodded.

"I had a cult following."

"You already said that," Kuja said.

"At least you're paying attention, uwee hee!" Kefka grinned, tapping his chin with the pen. "Let's see. I had a cult following, and then..."

"And then the Returners came to your tower and killed you," Meow x17 said.

"Shut up! I'm telling the story!"

"Then get on with it!" Meow x17 hissed.

"Don't make me use you as a coaster again!" Kefka snapped.

"I thought you said you didn't drink," Kuja said.

"He still makes a good coaster!" Kefka said, looking a bit more flustered than usual. Kuja looked at him dubiously, and was about to speak when the weird guy with silver hair stalked up to their table.

"Sephiroth, I paid you back your money!" Meow x17 said, trying to hide in his chair. Sephiroth looked at Meow x17 dismissively.

"You were the one with the rum drinks and the sword," Kuja said keenly. Sephiroth held up the sword and nodded.

"You were drunk again, Sephiroth?" Kefka sneered at the silver haired villain, who was eyeing Kuja.

"I was not!" Sephiroth snapped, flushing. "I just had a few drinks!"

"He was drunk," Kuja said. "Either that, or very bent on telling the whole room that he had a sword."

"I do have a sword!"

"We know!" several people at the tables around them shouted. Sephiroth looked around in annoyance.

"Shut up or I'll kill all of you!"

Kuja and Kefka snickered. Sephiroth turned back to the table, flushing again as he realized what he'd said.

"Well, I would if I could."

"What do you want, Sephiroth?" Kefka said, annoyed.

"I was just wondering who your new lady friend was," Sephiroth said, gesturing toward Kuja with his sword.

"_I'm not his lady friend!!_" Kuja screeched. Sephiroth blinked.

"Miss Kuja is a bit reluctant," Kefka said. Kuja growled, crossing his arms and looking away from the other two villains.

"Ooh, but she's cute when she growls," Sephiroth grinned.

"If you touch me I'll break your arm," Kuja said.

"You just need another drink," Kefka said.

"I don't need another drink! I've already had plenty!"

"Oh nonsense," Kefka laughed and waved for the waitress.

"I don't know, Kefka, if she thinks she's a guy, then maybe she _has_ had too many drinks," Sephiroth said with a snicker. Kuja growled again.

The waitress brought Kuja another drink. He looked down at it, then back up at Kefka and Sephiroth. They stared at him expectantly. Kuja shrugged and sighed.

"What the hell..." Kuja downed the drink in a single gulp, suppressing his urge to cough it back up. "Fuck!"

"You wanna?" Kefka grinned. "Uwee hee hee!"

"No!" Kuja swatted Kefka away.

"I get to get her a drink now!" Sephiroth said.

"No, I'm getting her drinks!" Kefka hissed, standing up.

"I'm getting her one!"

"I am!"

"Fight! Fight!" a voice chimed behind them.

"Shut up, Golbez!" Kefka shouted around Sephiroth.

While they continued to argue, the Gimme Cat motioned to the waitress.

"Do you want to hear _my_ story?" Meow x17 asked. "It's not as pathetic as these science experiments'..."

Kuja sighed. "Sure..."

---

_end chapter 2_


	3. Gimme a Diamond

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (I am evil, and Kuja's situation is only going to get worse. Much worse.)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 3: Gimme a Diamond

"I'm taller, I should be able to get her a drink!"

"At least I had a full set of wings!"

"Shut up! Don't start bringing that up again!"

Kuja sighed, doing his best to ignore Kefka and Sephiroth. "Your story?"

Meow x17 hopped up onto the table, his nails digging into the already-graffiti-covered surface. "Yes! Mine is a noble tale..."

"Then what are you doing down here?"

"I'm a monster," Meow x17 sneered. "No matter how nice and cute I might try to be, I'm still screwed."

"True."

"Anyhow," Meow x17 paused as another drink was set in front of Kuja. "I lived on a little island in the Salvage Islands on Gaia. I had a lot of family there, and we all lived amongst the Grand Dragons that had kinda claimed the area as their own."

"Did you get eaten by one?" Kuja asked hopefully.

"No," Meow x17 glowered. "I wish I had been that lucky."

"What happened?"

"Well, for a long time nothing happened. Then one day this boat pulled up on the island, and four people jumped off." Meow x17 pointed at Kuja's tail. "One of them had a tail, like yours."

Kuja bristled. "Did they?"

"Just one," Meow x17 shook his head. "A blonde kid."

Kuja scowled and began to empty his current glass.

"He had some brunette chick with him, and a rat chick, and this little guy with a pointy hat," Meow x17 said, watching Kuja's eyebrow twitch. "Something wrong?"

"N-not really," Kuja said, eyebrow still twitching once in a while. "The blonde kid was my...brother."

"Didn't like him?"

Kuja slammed the glass back on the table, forcing a crack up its side. "Who the hell do you think killed me?"

Meow x17 snickered. "Done in by your own brother? What luck."

"Well, he didn't really kill me," Kuja said, slumping back into his chair and sulking. "But he was partially responsible."

"Poor guy." Meow x17 lapped up some of the spilled liquor. "So these kids ran around my island, and the other surrounding islands. It was the oddest thing."

"How's that?"

"Well, they would attack the Grand Dragons, but run away from the Gimme Cats."

Kuja snickered. "Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"No! We thought it was fine. Once one of the Grand Dragons tried to eat the little kid with the pointy hat. Woulda got away with it too, except the blonde kid freaked out and killed the dragon."

"He tranced," Kuja grumbled, wiping his fingers off on his skirt.

"Whatever you want to call it. For a long time, whenever the kids ran across a Cat, they usually ran away." Meow x17 sat back on his haunches, looking wistful. "But then, one day they ran across me."

"What did you do?"

"What all Gimme Cats do when approached!" Meow x17 said.

Kuja blinked, clueless. "What's that?"

"I asked for a diamond," Meow x17 grinned. Kuja rolled his eyes. "Hey, you do your thing, we do ours!"

"Hey, look!" Kefka cried. Sephiroth had him in a headlock. "Kuja needs another drink!"

"I'm getting it!"

"No!"

Both villains called at the same time. "WAITRESS!!"

Kuja cringed. "So they didn't want to give you a diamond."

"Nope. They never do. But I thought I was safe. They'd always run away before." Meow x17 sighed heavily. "But that day! That day! They attacked me! I tried to fight back, but it was no good."

"Creamed you, eh?"

"The little pointy hat kid cast Flare on me!" Meow x17 hissed angrily. "I didn't stand a chance." The Cat flattened out on the table. "I was toast."

"Poor kitty," Kuja said sarcastically.

"Like your story is any better!" Meow x17 got back to his feet and hopped back down into his chair.

"I bet it is!" Kuja said.

There was a loud cracking noise behind them. Kuja turned in time to see Sephiroth hit the floor, unconscious.

"Kefka, what did you do?!"

"I knocked him out, obviously!" Kefka grinned. "Mweh heh!" He gave Sephiroth a kick before sitting back down.

"I won't ask how," Kuja sighed. The waitress arrived again, and set two drinks in front of Kuja. "Two now?"

"They both ordered you one," the waitress shrugged. She stepped over Sephiroth and departed.

"Drink mine first!" Kefka giggled.

"There's a difference?"

"Yes!" Kefka nodded vigorously. "Mine's better!"

Kuja looked at the identical drinks. "Then tell me, which is yours?"

"The better one!"

"How am I supposed to know which one is the better one if they're exactly the same?!"

Kefka narrowed his eyes. "They can't be the same because one is better!"

"Ooh, a lover's spat," Meow x17 snickered.

"Shut up!" Kuja shrieked. He snarled briefly at Kefka, then downed both drinks in quick succession.

Kefka looked at Kuja expectantly.

"Well?"

Kuja looked between the two glasses for a moment. Eventually he nudged the left one toward Kefka.

"That one was yours."

Kefka giggled gleefully and drew the empty glass between his narrow fingers. Kuja looked at him suspiciously.

"What are you doing with that?"

"Nothing..." Kefka hid the glass behind his hands.

"You're a sicko," Kuja sighed.

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja sighed again. Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

Sephiroth groaned on the floor behind them.

"What the hell?" he attempted to get up, until Kefka smashed the empty glass against his forehead. Sephiroth slumped back down to the floor.

"What did you do that for?!" Kuja wondered in a shrill voice that was quickly becoming his normal questioning tone. A disgruntled looking woman in a maid's outfit came by. Her nametag read "Elena". She brushed the glass off of Sephiroth's forehead and into a little dustpan, then continued on her merry way.

"He's better off on the floor," Kefka sneered down at the motionless black and silver form. Kuja sighed, leaning on the table. His stomach growled.

"Are there snack machines in hell?" Kuja said idly as he felt a pang in his gut. Drinking all that alcohol on an empty stomach probably wasn't such a good idea. The last time he'd eaten was just a few hours before he had faced Zidane and his friends. That could have been days or years ago, he wasn't sure anymore.

"No..." Kefka was pouting, looking down at the table.

The more Kuja thought about it, the hungrier he felt. Even the damn statue sitting across from Kefka looked slightly appetizing.

"There _is_ food in hell, isn't there?"

Kefka shook his head slowly.

"What, we're just supposed to drink until we get sick?!"

A nod.

Kuja sighed, propping his chin up on his hand again. "This sucks."

"It's _hell_," Meow x17 said pointedly. "If you're really hungry, you can try gnawing on the table. It works for me."

Kuja made a face, noticing that there was indeed a piece of the table on the Cat's side missing. "I'm not _that_ hungry!"

"Yet."

Kuja grumbled to himself. Glancing at Kefka, he noticed that the man was still pouting down at the table. "What's your problem?"

"You snapped at me," Kefka said, his voice slightly whiny.

"You're lucky I don't snap you physically," Kuja growled.

"There you go doing it again!"

"Why do you care if I snap at you?!"

"I'm just trying to be nice to you, and you keep being mean!"

"I thought that was foreplay for you," Meow x17 snickered. He dodged the other glass as it was thrown at him.

"It may be, but not when the other person is being such a bitch!"

Kuja rose out of his seat, gripping the tabletop tightly. "A _what_?!"

"You heard me!!"

"I'm hoping I didn't!"

"I'm pretty sure you did, you bitch!" Kefka grinned triumphantly at Kuja. The other man flushed heavily.

"I-I-I-!"

"You-you-you whaaaat?" Kefka put his hands on his hips. Kuja opened his mouth to retort, but remained silent as his eyes opened wide. He sat down quickly, drawing his knees together.

"I need to go the bathroom!" Kuja hissed loudly.

The malevolent look left Kefka's face, and he giggled gleefully. "Oooh, I'll go with you!"

"No you won't!"

"Oh, yes I will!" Kefka said, grabbing Kuja by the arm and pull him from his chair. "I'm gonna find out what else is under your skirt other than that tail!"

Kuja's eyes bugged wide, and he tried to tug his arm free. "N-No!"

"Oh, come on!"

"No!" Kuja managed to break free from Kefka's grip. "I can manage just fine by myself!"

"But Kuja!" Kefka whined.

"No!"

"Fine." Kefka harrumphed and sat down heavily. "I'll go with you next time."

Kuja sighed heavily. "I will avoid drinking for the rest of eternity to prevent that from happening."

"Bet you won't," Kefka grinned. Kuja palmed his forehead with another heavy sigh.

"Where is the bathroom, anyways?"

"Ours is over in that corner. You go down the hall that's behind that red door."

Kuja looked to where Kefka was pointing. "Right..."

Kefka and Meow x17 watched as Kuja started for the bathroom. "We'll hold your seat for you!"

"Like anyone is dumb enough to want it..."

---

_end chapter 3_


	4. Trouble Down Under

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (This is where it starts getting _bad_ for Kuja. You've been warned!)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 4: Trouble Down Under

Kuja finally reached the red door that Kefka had indicated. The word "Bathroom" was stenciled in neat gold letters on the door. He hesitated, but his bladder insisted that he press on.

Opening the door Kuja saw a line that seemed to stretch on forever. "And I thought the line to get in here was long."

Kuja took his place in line, squirming occasionally. He really shouldn't have drunk so much.

Some of the people (and monsters) in the line looked like they had been in line for awhile. A Behemoth snapped at him as the line moved up slowly.

"There's just one stall, isn't there?" Kuja realized after a long while.

"Just the one," a creepy looking man said. His tag read "Hojo". Kuja looked at him nervously.

"Been here a while?"

"I'm just here for entertainment," Hojo said dryly, adjusting his glasses.

"Oh."

"But yes, I've been here for about..." he pushed up the sleeve of his lab coat. "Three or four hours."

"That's not too bad..."

"This is the end of the line," Hojo said with a sneer. "Last time I had to go I spent about two millennia in line."

"Two millennia?" Kuja swallowed. "But I really have to go!"

"Well, by the time you get to the front of the line, you'll really _really_ have to go."

"Great."

:

Sephiroth sat in Kuja's seat, his feet propped up on the table. Kefka scowled at him.

"Get your feet off the table."

"Make me!"

"Don't think I won't!"

"Boys, boys! Will you two behave?" Meow x17 sighed. Sephiroth snorted and looked away. Kefka grumbled to himself.

"Who said you could sit in Kuja's seat anyways?"

"I don't see her name on it," Sephiroth sneered.

"You're sitting on the name!"

Sephiroth stood up. Indeed, the word "Kuja" had been carved into the chair several times.

"This is your handiwork!" Sephiroth snapped.

"So? Her name is still there!"

Sephiroth shrugged and sat back down. He rested his sword across his lap. "I'll get up when she comes back."

"Hopefully it'll be soon."

:

"Is that the door?"

"Yes," Hojo sighed.

"Cool! I can finally see the door!"

"Oy..."

:

"Ace?"

"Go fish."

"Any nines?"

"Meow, go fish."

"You just asked for a nine your last turn!"

"So?"

"You're cheating!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

:

Kuja sighed as the line slowly crept forward.

"I hope I'm not missing anything interesting."

:

"Kiwi."

"Lark."

"Mockingbird."

Kefka made a face. "Um..."

"Come on, Kefka!"

"I can't think of a bird that starts with 'n'!" Kefka shouted.

"Oh, try harder!" Meow x17 hissed.

"Umm... umm... oh! Ooooh! I know! I know!" Kefka wiggled gleefully in his seat.

"Then get on with it, you're holding up the game!" Sephiroth growled.

"Nightingale!"

"Owl."

"Penguin."

:

Finally, after an exceedingly long amount of time, Kuja made it to the bathroom.

"Not the cleanest facility in existence," Kuja muttered as he passed through the door. "But then, this is hell."

His tail twitched anxiously as he started for the toilet.

"Enough talking, tail, I've gotta go!"

:

"I'm bored," Meow x17 sighed.

"I miss Kuja," Kefka sighed, leaning on his elbows.

"Me too," Sephiroth sighed.

"I wonder if she's gotten to the bathroom yet," Kefka said. He was drawing in his little notebook. Most of the page was covered in little evil symbols, but the occasional heart, flower, or chocobo was visible around the corners.

"She's been gone an awful long time," Sephiroth said.

"Not _that_ long," Meow x17 muttered as he gnawed on the edge of the table.

Sephiroth was about to respond when a long, shrill scream cut through the din of the Villain's hall. For a very brief, teeny-tiny fraction of a millisecond the room fell silent, before quickly snapping back to its previous noise level.

"That was odd," Meow x17 said.

"That sounded like Kuja!" Kefka said in a giddy tone. "Maybe she needs help!"

"Like you could really help her," Sephiroth scoffed.

"And you can?"

"_I _have a sword!"

"I'm going to shove that sword where the sun don't shine!" Kefka shouted, rising from his seat.

"Oh yeah?!"

"Yeah!!" Kefka pointed at Sephiroth, then turned away quickly. "After I get back from seeing what the screaming was about."

"Chicken!"

"I'll turn you into one if you don't can it!" Kefka growled as he stalked off toward the other side of the room.

They looked at Kefka's chair. Into the seat were carved the words. "KEFKA'S CHAIR. SIT HERE AND BE SAT UPON!!!"

"I don't think we have to worry about saving his seat," Meow x17 sighed. Sephiroth shrugged.

:

Kefka made his way through the line of people waiting to go to the bathroom.

"Someone find out what the hold-up is!" a pissy looking sorceress shouted.

"I'm on my way to find out what the problem is!" Kefka called as he hopped over the dozing form of a Yan. He was hoping to find Kuja in the line, but the violet-haired villain was not in sight.

And then he heard it. A low, persistent wail emanating from the bathroom.

"That sounds like Kuja!" Kefka giggled as he wove around a few more people and neared the door.

The bathroom door was closed, but the sound from within persisted as Kefka stood outside with an amused look on his face.

"Kuja dear, are you decent?" he called with a giggle. There was the sound of something moving behind the door.

"I'll never be decent again!" Kuja said in a piteous tone.

"Uwee hee hee, don't be silly, Kuja!" Kefka hopped in place a few times. "Now come out of there right now! Other people and monsters need to use the bathroom too!"

"I can't!"

"You get out of there right now or I'll come in there and drag you out by your tail!" Kefka paused, then grinned. "On second thought, stay in there!"

"Leave me alone!" Kuja wailed.

"Can't!" Kefka giggled and forced the door open a crack. He waited for a moment, hoping for some sort of retaliation from Kuja, but none came. Kefka hummed and nosed his way into the bathroom.

Kuja was sitting on the grimy floor, knees drawn up to his chest. He had his arms wrapped around his knees.

"Oh, Kuja, wassamatta?" Kefka giggled, hands clasped together.

"Leave me alone!" Kuja said in a whiny voice.

"Hurry up in there!" voices shouted from outside the door.

"Cram it!" Kefka shouted over his shoulder. He turned back and looked at Kuja with a sadistically sweet smile. "Now tell me what's wrong!"

Kuja shook his head.

Kefka scowled.

"Tell me or I'll rip your tail off!"

Kuja shuddered, then let out another annoying wail.

"I'm a _girl_!!"

Kefka blinked. "I thought we'd already cleared that up, Kuja!"

"No, I'm not supposed to be a girl!!" Kuja got to his-ur-her feet, tail twitching angrily. "I'm supposed to be a guy! A man! El señior Kuja! Kuja-kun! _Not a girl_!!"

Kefka blinked at Kuja again. "So what are you trying to say?"

Kuja's left eye twitched. "I was a guy. But now I'm a girl."

"Are you sure?"

"_Yes I'm sure_!!"

"Maybe you hit your head on the sink?" Kefka suggested, wrapping an arm around Kuja's waist and leading her from the bathroom. A faint cheer came from the line.

"I didn't hit my head on the sink!" Kuja insisted as they exited the hall. "And get your hand off my butt!"

"Aw, but I saved you from being tortured by the people waiting in line!"

Kuja glowered. "_You_ are torture enough for me, Kefka."

"Uwee! That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!"

Kuja sighed heavily. "Get your hand off my butt!"

Kefka grinned as they wove around tables. "Make me!"

Kuja curled her tail around Kefka's arm and tried to pull it away. "Kefka!"

"Yessss?"

They neared the table. "How many drinks did you have while I was gone?"

Kefka arched a brow. "Two."

"It really does make you weird," Kuja sighed.

"Hey, Miss Kuja, Freaky Clown Man, what took you so long?" Sephiroth wondered in greeting as they reached the table.

"Kuja was coming to terms with her femininity," Kefka said with a wink. Sephiroth snickered. Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

"Your hand is on Kuja's butt!" Sephiroth hissed, getting up from Kuja's seat. "...those must have been some terms!"

Kuja glowered, sitting heavily in the chair.

"This really _is_ hell."

---

_end chapter 4_


	5. Visitor's Pass

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (I actually _like_ this chapter. ; )

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 5: Visitor's Pass

Sephiroth and Kefka sat and watched as Kuja said with his-er-her head resting on the table top. Kefka had recently rented out Miss 'Top Tower' as a party decoration, and Sephiroth had taken up temporary residence in her seat.

"I don't wanna be a girl!" Kuja whined. Several day--er, it had been a little while since Kuja had made her little 'discovery' in the bathroom.

"I think she's taking it well," Sephiroth said. Kefka shrugged.

"She must've hit her head or something when she fell from grace."

"What'ya mean?" Meow x17 wondered.

"Well, how else do you explain the fact that she couldn't remember that she was a girl?!"

"I'm not--I don't wanna be a girl!"

"Well, I don't like my toes, but I can't change them, now can I?" Sephiroth said in a mildly sweet tone.

"You could cut them off," Kefka said.

"True..."

"Don't mention cutting anything off!" Kuja snapped, sitting up and brushing the hair from her eyes. "Or I'm not going to be the only one with this problem!"

Kefka blinked. "Uwee... PMS?"

Kuja growled, and was about to backhand Kefka when a demonesse stepped up behind her.

"Excuse me, Mr....uh... Miss... Kuja?"

"You could call her Mrs. Palazzo!" Kefka giggled wildly, until Kuja's fist connected and sent him to the floor. "Uwee, just a love tap!"

Kuja turned to face the demonesse. "Yes?"

She turned her gaze from the giggling man on the floor. "Yes...Kuja. You have a visitor."

"Me?" Kuja squeaked in surprise. The demonesse nodded and turned around.

"Just page me whenever you're ready to go," she said.

"Right," a voice behind her said. Kuja recognized it immediately and cringed. Meow x17 bristled.

"No! Not him!"

The demonesse departed, leaving behind a tall blonde man. He smiled brightly, his long crème-colored tail waving behind him.

"Kuja!"

"_You_!!" Kuja shouted angrily. Zidane blinked in surprise, then smiled again.

"Gee, I didn't expect such a warm greeting."

"Hide me!" Meow x17 squeaked as Kefka got back into his seat. Zidane looked at the occupants of the table curiously.

"Can....can I sit?"

Kefka looked at Zidane suspiciously. "Who's this?"

"My....brother...." Kuja said, crossing her arms. "What the hell are you doing here, Zidane?"

"Just visiting," Zidane smiled, pointing to the nametag on his chest. It said "VISITOR" in big blue letters, with a little happy face and halo below the word. His name was scrawled below the happy face.

Kefka moved to Meow x17's seat. The Gimme Cat sat on his shoulder, looking at Zidane warily. "Oh, the one who killed Kuja."

"But you're not dead, Zidane, how'd you get here?" Kuja watched Zidane sit in Kefka's chair.

"I've been dead a few millennia, Kuja," Zidane said.

"You were in the line for the bathroom a really long time," Kefka said. Kuja sighed.

"Don't remind me."

"Remind you of what?" Zidane wondered.

"Nothing!" Kuja snapped. "Now, why'd you come here and bug me?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doing in hell."

"Hmph. Figures you'd get into heaven."

"I had to spend some time in purgatory first," Zidane said. "Because of my earlier...uh...womanizing days in life."

Kuja cringed. "That's right, you're a pervert."

"I've got a card that says they cured me of that!" Zidane blushed. "But....yeah."

Kuja took a nervous sip of a drink that Sephiroth ordered for her. "But...if you're dead, shouldn't you look older?"

"Only people who go to hell are stuck looking like the age they died at forever. When I got to heaven I got to choose what age I wanted to look like for eternity."

"And you chose what, 12?"

Zidane laughed. "21, actually. I wanted to be able to drink."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "They have alcohol in heaven?"

"Of course they do, silly, it's _heaven_."

He sighed. "That's right."

"Another drink for Miss Kuja," Kefka called to the waitress.

"Better make it two," Kuja sighed. Zidane blinked.

"He just called you 'Miss'..."

Kuja cleared her throat nervously. "Yes..."

"Kuja?"

She flushed. "I don't want to talk about it!"

"Oh, you got turned into a girl for being such a pervert in life too, eh?" Zidane grinned. Kuja's flush darkened.

"Garland's Genomes all had the same freakin' flaw," she snapped. "It's not my fault!"

Zidane shrugged. "You look the same."

Kuja crossed her legs defensively. "Believe me, there's a difference."

Her brother looked thoughtful for a moment. "Or it could be because of what happened when you died."

"What?!"

"I thought you said Zidane killed you," Meow x17 said.

"The tree killed him," Zidane said. "I--"

"--just helped." Kuja finished for him. "What do you mean, 'because of what happened when you died'?"

"Uh, right before you teleported me out, the tree's roots closed in around us, right?"

"Right..." Kuja accepted the drinks from the waitress.

"Well, uh..." Zidane giggled nervously, looking away. Kuja downed one of the drinks quickly.

"What? Tell me!"

"Well.... one of the roots went right through....there."

Kuja squeaked, her eyes going wide. "No!"

"You got a sex-change from a tree?" Sephiroth said doubtfully.

Kuja shook her head. "No! No! No!"

"I'm afraid so," Zidane said with a shrug.

Kefka scratched his ear thoughtfully. "You mean... before Kuja died... she was really a guy?"

"Uh huh," Zidane nodded. "My brother."

Kefka made a face, sticking his tongue out. "Eeeeeew!!"

"But how did you _not_ notice the change, Kuja?" Zidane wondered.

"I didn't think it would be any different!" Kuja snapped, starting the second drink. "I didn't find out until I had to go the bathroom, and...and..."

"Mr. Happy was missing?"

"Mr. Happy had been _replaced_!" Kuja wailed.

Zidane looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Better you than me."

"Hey!" Kuja slammed the glass down. It cracked.

"You have to quit doing that, Kuja," Meow x17 said from Kefka's shoulder. "They'll make you work in the dishwasher if you keep breaking glasses."

"Don't care," Kuja pouted. "Better than being here."

"Oh, you're just saying that," Sephiroth snickered. Zidane looked between the other men at the table. And the Cat.

"So who are you guys supposed to be?" he wondered.

"We're villains!" Sephiroth said proudly.

"We got killed by the heroes," Kefka shrugged.

"Your friend barbecued me," Meow x17 snarled at Zidane, wings flapping indignantly. "Pointy-hatted bastard!"

"Ow! Claws!" Kefka shrieked as the Gimme Cat dug his claws into Kefka's shoulder. "Bad kitty!"

"They're my admirers," Kuja said dryly.

"How charming," Zidane said, scooting the chair a bit further away from Kefka and Meow x17.

"We try," Kefka grinned. He waved down the waitress, again.

"I was wondering something, Zidane," Kuja said.

"What's that?"

"When you were in purgatory, or heaven, or just coming down in here, did you see Brahne or Garland anywhere?"

Zidane drummed his fingers on the table. "Brahne is still in purgatory, but it looks like she might get into heaven."

"What?!"

"She had a pure soul until you corrupted her, Kuja," Zidane said. "They're keeping that in mind when dealing with her."

Kuja pouted. "What about Garland?"

"Hell," Zidane said quickly. "But not in this room, obviously."

"But he should be here, based on what the demons said!"

"Yes, well..." Zidane wiggled his tail. Kuja's tail copied the motion from under her skirt. She sighed. "Um, Garland got sent to a special room for people who tried to play god."

"But I did that too," Kuja pointed out.

"And so did I!" Kefka giggled.

"I probably did too," Sephiroth added, patting the sword in his lap.

"Hell, half the people in this room probably pulled that stunt," Kuja said. "So why did Garland get weeded out?"

"Well, actually..." Zidane giggled. "He was a jerk."

"So were they," she pointed idly at Kefka and Sephiroth.

"Apparently, he was such a jerk that he attracted the attention of some high ranking demonesse," Zidane said. "She kinda called dibs on him when you killed him."

Kuja giggled. "Interesting. So what happened to him?"

"From what I heard, he's gonna spend the rest of eternity as her private play-toy," Zidane said with a light shrug.

"I hope she pulls his tail," she muttered.

Zidane blinked. "Garland had a tail?"

"Our Terran ancestors weren't creative enough to make him without one," Kuja took another drink from the waitress. Zidane watched as Kuja quickly downed the new drink.

"I didn't think of you as a drinker," Zidane said slowly. Kuja wheezed softly as she set the glass back down.

"I wasn't before," Kuja shrugged. "But hell has ways of changing you."

"Doesn't the drinking cause problems?"

"Only when I have to go to the bathroom," Kuja sighed. Zidane glanced down.

"Are you _really_ a girl now?"

Kuja flushed. "Do you want to _see_?!"

"I do!" Kefka raised his hand eagerly. "Me! Me! Pick me!"

Zidane blushed. "I'd rather not, thank you. I'll just take your word on that."

"Good." Kuja glowered at Kefka, who had begun to drool. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?" Kefka gave her an innocent look as he wiped his chin off.

"Hentai for brains," Kuja muttered. Kefka and Sephiroth snickered.

Something at Zidane's hip beeped. With a slightly resigned sigh he pulled the beeper from his belt and looked at it. "Rats."

"Where?" Meow x17 looked around hopefully. "I'm starving!"

Zidane sweatdropped. "Uh... right." He put the beeper away. "I'd love to stay and chat, but Garnet needs me."

"Needs you for what?" Kuja wondered.

"You know all that weird kinky stuff you used to want to do to her?"

Kuja nodded feebly.

"Something like that."

Kuja let out a distressed shriek. "Damn, this is _so_ unfair!"

Zidane paged the demonesse escort. "Maybe I'll come visit you again sometime." He glanced at the others, and then around the room with a shudder. "Maybe."

"You can't leave me with these guys!" Kuja wailed, grabbing Zidane's arm.

"Hey, what's wrong with us guys?" Sephiroth pouted.

"They're gonna try to do horrible, nasty, dirty, kinky things to me!" Kuja continued.

"And to think you used to like that," Zidane sighed.

"Not when I'm on the receiving end!"

"It's karma, Kuja, it's all karma," Zidane said as the escort arrived. He managed to pull himself free from Kuja's grasp, only to have her clamp onto his tail.

"Zidane! Pleeeeease!"

"I can't take you with me!" Zidane swatted at his sister. "Now let go of my tail!"

"Heard that before," Kefka sighed.

"But it's so nice and soft," Kuja said, petting the end of the tail. Zidane sighed again.

"You have your own tail, Kuja, play with it!" Zidane flicked his tail free.

"Oooh, I do!" Kuja cried in distraction, curling her tail up and grabbing hold of it. "Soft...."

"See you later, Kuja," Zidane shook his head as he followed the escort.

"Bye bye, Zidane," she said softly, affectionately petting her tail.

"Can I pet your tail?" Kefka asked hopefully as he moved back to his own chair. Meow x17 hopped off of Kefka's shoulder.

"No!" Kuja clung to his tail protectively. "Mine!"

"Aw, c'mon, just for a little while!"

"No, my tail!" Kuja wailed.

"Then just for a minute!"

"No!"

"Pleeeeeeease?"

"N-no!"

"Waitress..." Sephiroth called with a sigh.

----

_end chapter 5_


	6. The Great Mall of Hell

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (And I just want to say a big thank you to all the nice people who've been reviewing this story. ... THANK YOU! )

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 6: The Great Mall of Hell

The bishounen turned bishoujo sighed. "Yes, I'm sure Brahne counts as the world's largest land mammal."

Kefka wiggled his pen thoughtfully over the crossword puzzle he was working on. "How do you spell that?"

"B-r-a--" Kuja stopped, blinking in surprise as Kefka disappeared in a flash. "Where'd he go!?"

"To work, probably," Sephiroth shrugged.

Kuja blinked again. "Work?"

"Yeah, Kefka works down in the Great Mall of Hell," Meow x17 said.

"I was totally unaware of that," Kuja sighed. "Why did he never leave before?"

"He only has to work when they call him in," Sephiroth said. "He went in once while you were in the bathroom line."

"I missed everything then," she grumbled. "So... what's in this Great Mall of Hell?"

"Mostly bars and clothing boutiques," Sephiroth shrugged.

"Where does Kefka work?"

"'House of Pained Style', or something like that," Meow x17 purred.

Kuja picked up the crossword puzzle off the floor. "I wasn't even aware that there was a mall in hell."

"You didn't think to ask, did you?" Sephiroth shrugged. Kuja frowned, looking down.

"There seems to be a lot of things I didn't think about."

Sephiroth studied Kuja's downcast expression and grinned. "We can go bug him at work if you want to."

Kuja blinked, glancing up. "We can leave?"

"Well, not permanently," Sephiroth said. "But why would they build a mall if no one was allowed out to go to it?"

"Hell works in mysterious ways," Kuja said in a sour tone.

"Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun!" He looked at her imploringly. Kuja drummed her fingers on the table for a moment, before giving a shrug of her armored shoulders.

"Fine," she sighed. Sephiroth stood up and used his sword to scratch his name into the chair he was sitting in.

"I'll watch the table, but you have to bring me something back," Meow x17 volunteered.

"Okee doke," Sephiroth grinned. He offered Kuja a hand.

"Shall we?"

She gave him a doubtful look, but took his hand. "What the heck."

:

After getting a temporary exit pass, Kuja and Sephiroth walked down the long hallway that led out into the main district of hell.

"So where is this Great Mall anyways?" Kuja wondered, looking around as Sephiroth steered her past the long line of people waiting to get into the underworld.

"Just a short walk down Wretched Souls Boulevard," Sephiroth said, pointing at a mass of buildings in the distance.

"Wonderful." Kuja's nose curled as they walked. "What's that smell?"

"Describe it."

"A mix of sulfur, blood, and burnt hair."

"Oh, that's just the general stink of hell," Sephiroth said with a light shrug. "You get used to it after a while."

"Do you come out here often?"

"I try to," Sephiroth sighed. "Our room gets boring fast."

"You didn't seem to find it boring when I first got there," Kuja said with a smirk. Sephiroth arched a brow.

"I don't remember," he said with a toss of his silver hair. He rested his sword on his shoulder, glancing at Kuja.

"You were hammered, if I remember correctly," she said. "Had one of those Alexandrian soldiers on your arm."

"Nonsense, I never get hammered!"

"She said that you didn't handle rum drinks well."

"....."

Kuja snickered.

"Well, if rum drinks were involved, then I probably _was_ hammered."

"You were telling everyone that you had a sword."

Sephiroth grinned. "I like my sword."

She looked at him. "Do you drag that thing around everywhere?"

"It's kind of a security blanket," Sephiroth said with a faint blush. Kuja chuckled, violet tail swishing in amusement.

A massive demon sitting in the road growled at them as they passed by. Kuja flushed as Sephiroth wrapped a protective arm around her waist.

"I'm a big b--girl, Sephiroth, I don't need you to protect me," Kuja said after a moment. Sephiroth gave her a silly grin and shrugged.

"I was just trying to be a gentleman."

Kuja arched a brow. "You're just looking for an excuse to grope me."

Sephiroth's grin broadened. "That too." He removed his arm from around her waist. "I can't do anything when Kefka's around. He'd probably dismember me in some fashion or another."

She shook her head. "You two are terrible."

"Can you really blame us for fawning over such a pretty lady?" he was still grinning.

Kuja sighed heavily. "No comment."

After a moment of silence, Sephiroth pointed to a sprawling building that they were approaching. "That's the mall."

"Goody."

Sephiroth looked at Kuja thoughtfully as they neared the mall. "I'm sorry we thought you were a girl when you first got here."

"I _was_ a girl when I first got here!"

He giggled. "Well, yeah, but you didn't know that."

She stuck her tongue out. "You're not exactly manly looking yourself."

"Yes, but I don't go around wearing a skirt!" Sephiroth giggled and patted Kuja on the butt. She flushed again.

"What is with you two and my ass?!"

"I think it's the skirt," Sephiroth grinned. "It makes you all the more appealing."

She glowered. "I'm going to have to buy pants while we're here."

"Ooh! You could get a mini-skirt!" he suggested eagerly. "I'd suggest a halter top too, but you don't really have anything to halter."

Kuja growled. "You're working towards a butt kicking, Sword-boy."

"Oh, would you really? That would make Kefka _so_ jealous!" They reached the entrance of the Great Mall of Hell. Sephiroth pushed the door open, and they went inside.

"Have you always been this competitive with Kefka?" Kuja wondered as she looked around. The mall was fairly dark, but the darkness gave the place a strangely homey feeling.

"Naw, I usually avoid him like the plague," Sephiroth laughed.

"Then why are you always hanging around?"

"I have my reasons," he said mysteriously. They passed a few bars as they walked along the black and blue tiled floor of the mall. "Hey, do you want to get a drink before we go bug the clown?"

"Suuuure, why the hell not?" She tried to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. The silver-haired man didn't seem to pick up on it.

"I know a place that has great rum drinks!"

:

A while later, who knows how long really, Kuja and Sephiroth emerged from the third or fifth bar that they'd went into. Sephiroth hiccupped, leaning on his sword.

"I think I'm ready to face Kefka now," Sephiroth said, his voice heavily slurred. Kuja snickered.

"Well... where's he at anyways?"

"At....at....work!"

"Vunderba."

Sephiroth blinked a few times. "Huh?"

"I said 'Wonderful'," Kuja said, rolling her eyes. "You really need to learn how to hold your liquor."

"I only threw up once!" Sephiroth snapped. He hiccupped again, looking up and down the length of the mall. "Kefka's down thissaway."

"Lead the way, drunken guy with sword," Kuja giggled.

"Yeup."

It took a few tries, but they eventually found their way to the 'House of Pained Style'. Most of the stores had better lighting than the main corridor of the mall, and the House was no exception.

A few demons and other damned souls were milling about the store. They paid little attention as a tall man in an armored black trench coat staggered in, still carrying his sword. They equally ignored the shorter and clearly not as intoxicated woman with violet hair who followed a step or two behind the man.

"I have a sword!" Sephiroth announced to the store. "Do I get a discount?"

"Not like you actually pay for anything anyways," Kuja said. She looked around. "Where's Kefka?"

"Back at the register," Sephiroth pointed over a clothing rack. He followed Kuja as she made her way to the back of the store, trying not to knock too much stuff over along the way.

"Kefka?" Kuja called inquiringly as they reached the counter that Kefka was standing behind. He had his back turned to them, and was wearing headphones. Some sort of music, the kind that was best described as being 'really loud', was blaring through the headphones. "Kefka! _Kefka_!!"

"I don't think heeee can heeeear you," Sephiroth said, leaning on his sword again.

Kuja sighed in frustration. Leaning a bit over the counter, she grabbed Kefka by the ponytail and tugged down hard. He didn't seem to notice until the back of his head hit the countertop.

Kefka blinked a few times in surprise, then grinned widely. "Kuja-doll!" He pulled off the headphones, turning the volume down to a low shriek.

"So you have a joooob," Kuja said, still holding onto his ponytail.

"Uwee hee, yes I do!" Kefka giggled. "How'd you find me?"

Kuja released her grip on his hair and pointed at Sephiroth. He was humming, about to fall over despite the sword crutch. Kefka righted himself, scowling a bit at the bishounen.

"Did you have to bring him along?"

"He was the only one who knew the way," Kuja shrugged. "Besides, he's drunk. Can't do too much harm."

Kefka pursed his blood-red lips, fangs visible. "Are _you_ drunk?"

"I'm fiiiine," Kuja insisted.

"What all did you two drink?"

"Oh, the usual," she leaned on the counter. "A few Bloody Moogles, some tequila, a few rum drinks, and some of those drinks with the little umbrellas."

"No wonder he's so hammered," Kefka smirked. "We should leave him here when I get off work."

"When's that?"

Kefka shrugged. "Eventually."

"Well, what am I supposed to do until 'eventually'?" Kuja whined. Kefka glanced around the store.

"You could....try on clothes?"

Kuja made a face of disgust. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"N-nothing!" Kefka stammered. "You look fabulous!" He smiled at her appealingly. She gave a little snort.

"Well... the under-layers of my armor _are_ kind of annoying me," Kuja said, looking down. Kefka stared at her chest, tilting his head birdishly.

"Annoying how?"

"The metal is a bit chafing."

"Hmm..." Kefka narrowed his eyes, holding up his hands like he was framing a picture around her. "Might I suggest...a tank top?"

Kuja blinked. "A tank top?!"

"Just to replace the metal part against that wonderfully smooth skin of yours." He grinned. Kuja sweatdropped.

"Perv."

"Well, I'm just doing my job!" Kefka insisted.

"Is mentally molesting the customers part of your job description?" Kuja wondered doubtfully.

"Actually, it is."

"...."

"It _is_!"

"Sure."

Kefka pouted. "Not like I need an excuse to do it."

Her response was cut off by Sephiroth hitting the floor behind her. Kuja turned and bent over Sephiroth.

"Sephy? You okay?" She waved a hand over his face.

Kefka bristled. "_Sephy_?"

"She just trying to get back at you fer staring at her chessssst," Sephiroth managed. Kuja's tail wiggled as she stood back up.

"When did he get a pet name?" Kefka wondered, looking down at Sephiroth in annoyance.

"Somewhere between the third Bloody Moogle and the second umbrella drink," Kuja said, tail still wiggling mischievously.

"I want a pet name too," Kefka pouted.

"I thought you were going to help me find a tank top," she said with a smirk.

"Pet name!" Kefka hopped in frustration. "No pet name, no service!"

"...."

Sephiroth hummed drunkenly from the floor. Kuja sighed.

"Fine... Keffy. Show me to the tank tops."

"Uwee! This way!" Kefka grabbed Kuja by the wrist and dragged her gleefully away from Sephiroth.

Kefka stood behind Kuja as she studied her reflection in a mirror. He was looking at her lower backside, but she ignored this.

"You know, my pet name rhymes with Sephiroth's," Kefka said.

"I'm not that creative," Kuja shrugged. She itched just below her collarbone. "Hmm..."

"Sephy and Keffy," Kefka said.

"I think it sounds cute," she smiled. Kefka smiled, still looking at her butt.

"How's the top fit?"

"You really must've been staring at me a lot to get my size right on the first try," Kuja said with a twisted smirk. "Considering I've never bought women's clothing before."

He glanced at her skirt, but didn't comment.

"I...uh.... It was a lucky guess," he fibbed.

"Suuuure it was," Kuja said, turning to face him. The inner layers of her armor had been replaced by a gold-trimmed white tank top that stopped a few inches above her belly button. "Well?"

He eyed her eagerly. "I like it!"

"You like any excuse to stare at my chest," Kuja sighed, turning back to the mirror. "Or lack thereof."

"I wanna seeeee!" Sephiroth cawed, having managed to get back to his feet.

"You can't see, you're not special enough!" Kefka shouted back as Sephiroth tried to regain his bearings.

"I am too special!" Sephiroth hiccupped. "I have a sword!"

"It's okay, Kefka, he'll see it eventually anyways." Kuja was snickering.

"Not if he falls on his sword and pokes his eyes out," Kefka said, rubbing his hands together with an evil glint in his eyes. Well, more evil than normal.

"Kefka!"

"Pet name!"

Kuja glowered at the blonde for a moment. Finally, she cleared her throat.

"Keffy, leave Sephiroth alone!" Kuja whined, pushing her voice up into a falsetto.

Sephiroth blinked a few times as he hobbled toward the dressing rooms. "Thaaaat was disturbing."

"It was," Kefka agreed, sweatdropping. Kuja cleared her throat again.

"So I still don't sound like a girl. I don't see you helping!"

"How are we supposed to help with _that_?" Kefka wondered, again fixing her with a lusty stare.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Humor me."

"Ooh, I can do that!" Kuja cringed as Kefka grinned broadly. "Uwee hee hee..."

---

_end chapter 6_


	7. Seeing Red

Disclaimers and Notes: Since it's been a few chapters, I'll recap. Square owns Final Fantasy and all its characters. If you don't like what I do to the characters, just remember I'm only doing this 'cause I love 'em. Or something like that.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 7: Seeing Red

Sephiroth finally made it up to where Kefka and Kuja were standing.

"I wanna see," he restated his earlier demand.

"Nuh-uh!" Kefka stood in front of Kuja, blocking the taller man's view. "Mine!"

"Since when?!"

"I saw her first!" Kefka snapped.

"Actually, I think Sephiroth saw me first," Kuja piped up from behind him.

"Stay out of this!" Kefka hissed over his shoulder. Kuja glared at the back of his head.

"See, she likes me better!" Sephiroth said with drunken haughtiness.

"You two are acting like a couple of middle-schoolers!" she shrieked in annoyance, pushing Kefka aside.

"Funny, most girls would like having two guys fighting over her," Kefka said, rubbing his arm.

"I'm not like most girls," Kuja grumbled.

"Ain't that the truth."

"She's better than most girls!" Sephiroth hiccupped. Kuja gave him a crooked smile.

"Kiss up," Kefka hissed.

"Flattery will get you farther than fighting," Kuja said evenly. Kefka considered this, but was called away by a customer.

"Can we leave now?" Sephiroth whined, wobbling against his sword again.

Kuja turned to look at her reflection in the mirror again. "I thought we were gonna wait for him to get off work."

"But that could be a while." They watched as Kefka argued with a customer.

"You could be ri--" Kuja stopped, blinking in surprise as the hulking form of a demon stomped out from the back room of the store. The demon roared loudly, and then swallowed the person Kefka had been arguing with whole.

"You're free to go for now, Kefka," the demon said in a deep growling voice.

"Thank you, sir!" Kefka giggled, darting away from the demon quickly. He ran over to them, grabbing Kuja by the wrist and dragging her out of the store. "C'mon, Kuja-doll! Let's get out of here before my supervisor decides he needs another snack!"

"Snack?!" Kuja flailed a bit as she was dragged out. Kefka didn't stop until they were several stores away from his workplace. Sephiroth ran after them, as best as he could.

"Uwee, my supervisor likes to eat customers in order to keep the number of customer complaints down."

Kuja regained her breath. "Wouldn't that just cause more complaints?"

"He eats them if they _try_ to complain," Kefka giggled.

"Eew."

"Something like that."

They sat on one of the mall benches while regaining their senses. Kuja was sandwiched between Kefka and Sephiroth. Sephiroth leaned against Kuja, resting his head on her shoulder. Kefka whacked him on the back of the head.

"Alright, _now_ who's touching my butt?!"

:

Eventually, after various smacking and shrieking and...groping... the trio headed back to their designated hall. Along the way, however, things got out of hand...again.

Sephiroth's sword shrieked as it struck against the metal railing that lined part of the path along Wretched Souls Blvd. "You suck!" Kefka cackled, dodging each of Sephiroth's attacks.

"Can't you guys wait until we get back to beat the snot out of each other?" Kuja called as Kefka shot a Flare at Sephiroth.

"No!"

She sighed and shrugged. "Idiots."

The area they were fighting in probably wasn't the best place for a duel. Wretched Souls Blvd. was placed alongside one of hell's large fiery lava pits. Not that any permanent damage would be done by falling in, but there were signs placed all over that read 'No Swimming'. Kuja watched them attack each other again, looking faintly amused.

Sephiroth managed to trip Kefka with his sword. The shorter man landed flat on his face.

"Kheh heh heh!" Kuja covered her mouth, trying not to laugh outright.

"I thought you said you didn't like guys fighting over you!!" Kefka shouted, spitting gravel as he got back to his feet.

"I can change my mind!" Kuja shouted back indignantly.

"Yeah!" Sephiroth chimed in. Kefka growled.

"Women!" he hissed, throwing another Flare at Sephiroth. He managed to dodge the attack this time, and swung at Kefka with his sword. He missed, but did manage to clip off the end of Kefka's blue feather.

Kefka gasped, whirling away. "You bastard! That was my favorite feather!"

"Well now it's _less_ of your favorite feather!"

Kefka growled again and tackled Sephiroth. He caught the bishounen off guard, and Sephiroth lost his grip on his sword. It went flying, and the handle struck Kuja in the forehead with enough force to send her flying backwards.

Into the lava pit.

"Whaaa!!" Kuja let out a surprised cry as she took the long plunge down. There was a faint splash as she landed in the lava pit.

"Uh-oh," Kefka and Sephiroth sweatdropped. "That's not good."

"This is your fault!!" Kefka snapped, turning and pointing an accusatory finger at Sephiroth.

"_My_ fault?!" Sephiroth balked, picking up his sword. "I didn't knock her in!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did--"

"_Will you two shut the fuck up!?_" A deep, angry, familiar voice screamed behind them.

Both men blinked and turned back in the direction of the lava pit.

"K-Kuja?" Kefka squeaked in surprise.

"Eh?" Sephiroth blinked again, brushing away a red feather as it landed on his nose.

Kuja floated in front of them, looking red, feathery, and generally pissed off.

"You two are so _stupid_!!" Trance Kuja shrieked, her long red tail lashing angrily behind her. "You knocked me into that damn lava pit!!"

They were staring at her, mouths hanging open. Kefka was drooling. Sephiroth looked like he was about to.

"You've got tits now, Kuja," Sephiroth observed. Kefka nodded in agreement.

"Gah!" Kuja crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't know why I put up with you two!!"

"Because you like us?" Kefka suggested, still staring.

"How could I like a pair of idiots like you two?!"

"No other options?"

Kuja growled. "I have options!"

"Like?"

"_Ultima!!!_"

Kefka and Sephiroth were flattened by the powerful blast of blue and violet energy that Kuja shot at them.

"Wow," Sephiroth coughed, sitting up and brushing his coat off.

"We can add that to the list," Kefka said to Sephiroth, who nodded eagerly in agreement. Kefka pulled out his notepad and wrote something down quickly.

"What list?" Kuja snapped, hovering a bit closer.

"Our list of reasons why we like you," Sephiroth said with a sheepish grin.

"We had to start keeping track," Kefka said softly, tucking the notepad away under his cloak.

She blinked her red eyes a few times. "...why you like me?"

They nodded, still weary of being zapped again.

Kuja looked a bit perplexed. "What....what did you add to the list?"

"You cast a nice Ultima," Sephiroth said.

"And that you look really good in red," Kefka grinned. Kuja blushed, looking down at her red-feathered form.

"I...I... you guys..."

"You don't have to apologize, Kuja," Sephiroth grinned.

"Yeah, it's not your fault that we're stupid males."

"I used to be a stupid male too," Kuja said uncertainly.

"We don't hold that against you," Kefka giggled.

"Yeah, we like you better as a chick!"

"Uwee hee, even if you do get some whacked-ass kind of PMS!" Kefka gave another insane giggle.

Kuja landed in front of them. "Well, I... I forgive you two for being stupid males."

"Uwee hee!"

"You're not gonna be able to get rid of us now," Sephiroth grinned.

"I'll find a way," she said dryly.

The men hesitated for a moment, then both leaned down and gave Kuja a quick peck on the cheek. She blushed heavily, frozen in place for a moment.... before decking them both in turn.

"No one said you could do that!!"

"She punched me first!" Sephiroth giggled.

"No fair!"

Kuja sighed, her cheeks still as red as the rest of her. "You two are impossible."

"We know," Kefka grinned from where he was still slumped at her feet. "Hey, you've got nice toes too!"

"Another reason!"

Kuja sighed again as they high-fived each other. Closing her eyes, she took a step backward. There was a blue flash of light, and when the light faded Kuja was laying on the ground.

Kefka and Sephiroth got to their feet, leaning over her. The trance had faded, leaving her back in her usual garb.

"I think she fainted," Kefka giggled.

"I'll carry her back!" Sephiroth hooted.

"No you won't, you'll just stab her with your sword!" Kefka hopped a few times. "_I'll_ carry her!"

"You'll just stab her with _your_ sword!" Sephiroth growled. Kefka blinked a few times before catching Sephiroth's drift.

"Better me than you!"

"Hey!"

"There will be no stabbing me with swords of any sort!" Kuja hissed from the ground, opening her eyes.

"Aw, she didn't faint," Kefka pouted.

"I was just catching my breath," Kuja snapped. "Now help me up!"

"Yes ma'am!!" They both took an arm and pulled Kuja to her feet.

"Can I carry you anyways?" Sephiroth asked, looking hopeful.

"I can walk just fine," Kuja glowered at him.

"Can't blame me for trying."

"I can!" Kefka said, trying to edge himself between Kuja and Sephiroth as the trio continued their return to the Villain's hall.

Kuja stopped in midstep. "Will you two behave?"

They stared at her with cute drool-y expressions. "Anything for you, Miss Kuja."

She sighed, again.

Their stares fixed on her chest. Kuja flushed, glancing down.

"I think that trance thing had some positive effects," Kefka grinned, wiping a bit of drool off his chin. Kuja growled.

"Will you two stop looking at my chest?!"

"Do we have to?" Sephiroth whined. "There was never anything to look at before..."

Kuja's arm jerked, but she restrained herself.

"It's like you just hit puberty!" Kefka grinned, giggling wickedly. Kuja didn't restrain herself at _that_ comment, and left an imprint of her boot in Kefka's crotch. He doubled over, squealing in pain. "Uweeee!"

"Harsh," Sephiroth said, and tried to look cute and innocent. Kuja growled at him, but didn't bother hitting him.

"You can carry _him_ back," she smirked after a moment. She continued walking.

"How about I carry you, and we leave him here?" Sephiroth trailed behind her. "He's like a puppy, he'll find his way back!"

"I'm not a puppy!" Kefka said, voice strained as he staggered after them.

Kuja mused as she continued walking. Sephiroth and Kefka trailed a few steps behind her like... well, like faithful puppies.

"Maybe I should get some new shoes," she said. "I bet it'd hurt more if I kicked you wearing heels."

"Anything you want," Kefka said, pulling his cloak around himself for protection. "But Sephiroth gets the next kick."

"Hey!"

----

_end chapter 7_


	8. Tail of the Genome

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before! (This is kinda a pointless chapter, but oh well.)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 8: Tail of the Genome

Sephiroth was hunched over the table, sleeping off his hangover. Kuja was leaning back in her seat, feet propped up on the table. She was dozing, occasionally waking up to look around in confusion for a moment before falling back asleep. Meow x17 was curled up in his chair, holding onto a few of the drink umbrellas that Kuja had brought him. The only one awake at the table was Kefka.

And he was enjoying the view.

"Uwee hee hee," Kefka giggled to himself. "She should take naps more often. I can be a complete letch 'cause she's not awake to stop me!" He continued to stare, craning his neck to get a better angle.

There was a delay, but eventually a retort came from the subject of his review.

"I heard that," Kuja muttered sleepily, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Damn."

She smirked, but didn't open her eyes. Kefka hummed evilly, resuming his somewhat perverted hobby.

Sephiroth shifted, scratching his chin as he mumbled something in his sleep.

"Quit trying to be cuter than me!" Kefka hissed, flicking Sephiroth on the forehead. He batted lightly at the spot, but didn't wake up.

Kefka pouted for a moment, then returned his gaze to Kuja. Her feet were within reaching distance, and she had taken her boots off. Kefka looked at her socks with an amused smile. They were purple, like her armor, with lacy gold trim. Very feminine socks for someone who had bought them while still male. Still, now they served to make Kuja even cuter in Kefka's warped view.

Curious, he leaned closer, studying the skin visible above her socks. He noted, with a faint giggle, that Kuja's legs were completely smooth.

"She's gonna kill you if she wake up and finds you like that."

Kefka jerked, sitting up straight. He giggled guiltily. "Yes, she'd try at least. Uwee hee!"

Meow x17 hopped onto the table. "What're you looking at now, you perv..."

"N-nothing!" Kefka stammered, a blush creeping up through his pale facade. He leaned back toward Kuja's feet, pointing at her leg. "But she doesn't have any hair on her legs!"

Meow x17 sweatdropped. "She's not supposed to, she's a girl!"

"So?"

"So maybe she shaved," the Cat shrugged. Kefka rolled his eyes.

"When would've she done that?"

"....."

"My point."

"But the Cat's right, I _will_ try to kill you when I find you like that," Kuja's low-toned voice cut through Kefka's re-inspection. He yelped, sitting up again.

"K-Kuja-doll!" he giggled.

Kuja sat up, dropping her feet to the floor. "What the heck were you doing down there?!"

"Just looking!" Kefka said, trying to look innocent.

Kuja sighed. "You're a relentless pervert, Kefka."

He grinned. "I know."

"Kefka's worried 'cause you don't have hair on your legs," Meow x17 snickered. Kuja blinked the sleep from her blue eyes.

"No hair...." She pushed up a sleeve, studying her arm. "Well, no, I don't have any unnecessary hair, silly."

"'Unnecessary hair'?" Kefka echoed, propping his chin in his hand. "I don't catch your drift."

Kuja ordered a drink from the waitress before turning her attentions back to Kefka and Meow x17.

"Well, as I mentioned before, I was... engineered." She bent and pulled her boots back on.

"So what's so weird about that?" Meow x17 wondered. "Sephiroth was part of a cloning project, I think, and someone used their chemistry set on Kefka."

"Yeah, we're all science experiments here," Kefka nodded. "So how's that explain the hair?"

"Well, the guy who created the Genomes--that's what I am--controlled our appearances down to the smallest detail."

"Right down to the hairs?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I was a reject, kind of a first-generation model. Zidane was one of the better models. Although he made some improvements for the new model, we still have some stuff in common."

"Like the tails?" Meow x17 purred.

"Yes. Although he made the tails on the new models shorter. We also have the same eye color, and almost the same basic face and body structure..." Kuja smirked. "I have more attributes of my ancestors than my little brother does. The feathers, the hair color, the longer tail... the better looking Trance..." She tossed her hair with a chuckle.

"So your creator made you not have hair on your legs?"

"Right. Or anywhere that was deemed unnecessary. Arms, legs, torso..." She cleared her throat. "...anywhere not needed."

Kefka considered this, staring at Kuja's midsection. "Then why'd you get all fluffy when you Tranced?"

She shrugged. "I just do. And it was feathers, not fluff."

"Oh." Kefka grinned. "I liked it. Although I didn't expect you to cast Ultima on us."

Kuja looked at her nails. "It was a mood swing."

"A very strong one."

"I blew up a whole planet the first time I tranced," Kuja giggled, leaning against the table. "All that's left of it now is some charred debris in an alternate dimension."

"And all you could do was disrupt the balance of magic on your planet," Meow x17 snickered. Kefka zapped the feline.

"I destroyed most of the surface too," Kefka sniffed. "I just didn't blow it all up. I would've if I hadn't been stopped."

Kuja twirled a loose lock of violet hair around her index finger. "Yes, but if you hadn't been stopped, you wouldn't be here trying to look down my tank top right now."

"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka grinned at her. "Maybe, maybe not. I probably would've ended up here eventually...."

Kuja sat up as her drink arrived. "True, but maybe Sephiroth would've beaten you to the punch." She whispered something to the waitress, who nodded and departed again.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were encouraging us to hit on you," Kefka said, watching her raptly. Kuja shrugged lightly, taking a sip of her drink.

"Eternity is a long time to spend alone," she sighed. "Even if it's not as the gender I intended on spending it as."

"So which one of us do you _like_?" Kefka looked on curiously as the waitress brought back a pitcher of water.

"Why do you think I'd like either of you?" Kuja said, smirking. She traced an idle finger around the rim of the pitcher.

"Because you keep on toying with us," Kefka said.

"I toyed with people in life, why not in death?"

"I dunno..." Kefka tilted his head, looking at Sephiroth for a moment. "But still, which of us do you like better?"

Kuja stood, pitcher in hand. "I'm not going to decide."

"What?!"

"No one ever said I had to." She grinned, dumping the contents of the pitcher onto Sephiroth's head.

"Whaaaa!!" Sephiroth sputtered, sitting up as the water made contact. "I'm up! I'm up!!" He blinked, looking around. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Kuja said as she handed the pitcher back to the waitress. Sephiroth blinked again, pushing damp strands of silver hair out of his eyes.

"I'm guessing this was your doing...." he said wryly, wringing the excess moisture from his hair.

"Yeah," she grinned. "Have a nice nap?"

Sephiroth rubbed his eyes, then looked at Kefka. "Well, I was hoping he'd be gone by the time that I woke up."

"No such luck," Kefka smirked.

Kuja sipped her drink, chuckling. "Yer head still hurt?"

"Well... no... just kind of wet right now."

"Khehehe..." she giggled.

Sephiroth scowled. "I'm glad you find this amusing."

"Oh, greatly."

"She was just telling me that she plans on toying with us for eternity," Kefka sighed. The men looked at each other while Kuja gave them a wicked smile. She finished her drink, setting the empty glass on the table.

Kefka and Sephiroth looked at each other, and then at Kuja. And then at each other again.

"Sounds good to me!" Sephiroth grinned broadly.

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja blinked. "You're enthused about me just...using you... forever?"

"We liiiiike you, Kuja-doll," Kefka giggled, wiggling his fingers at her.

"Speak for yourself," Meow x17 said, chewing on one of the drink umbrellas.

"So I've noticed."

They both fixed cute adoring stares on her.

"This is sickening. I think I'm going to go jump in a lava pit again."

"Can we come?"

"No!"

"Aww..." They pouted.

"Perhaps encouraging you isn't the best idea," Kuja said, looking between them. "You do that well enough on your own."

"But we like having you here, Kuja," Kefka pouted. "Things were so boring before you arrived."

"For him at least," Sephiroth said.

"I'm not a player like you," Kefka snapped at him.

"I'm not a player! I just know how to appreciate exceptional beauty..."

"Especially when you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk!" Sephiroth hissed.

"You are most of the time!"

Sephiroth whacked his sword on the edge of the table. "I am not! Only when things get too boring to stand!"

"Yeah, then you can lay on the floor in a stupor instead of standing!"

Kuja yawned while watching them argue. Meow x17 yawned too, jumping down into his chair. He curled into a ball and fell back asleep.

"Good idea," Kuja mumbled as the men continued to argue.

"Well, it's not my fault you're stupid!"

"_I'm_ stupid!"

"I'm not the one who ran around killing people like a madman!"

"You're one to talk!"

"I _am_ a madman! It's different when I kill people!"

"Says you," Sephiroth sniffed in annoyance. "Kuja, what do you--"

They paused in mid-argument, looking at her. Kuja had slumped over the table, her face hidden in her arms.

"Kuja?" Kefka called softly. No response. "She must be asleep again."

Sephiroth leaned over. "Aw, she's even cuter asleep."

"Yeah!" Kefka giggled. "You should see her socks."

"Her socks?"

"Yeah, she even wears cute socks!"

"I wanna see," Sephiroth said, bending underneath the table. "Darn, she's got her boots on."

"Well, _duh_..."

"Ooh, make sure we don't tell her to get a bra!" Sephiroth said with an evil giggle.

"Huh?" Kefka bent under the table as well. "Uwee!"

"She really should take naps more often," Sephiroth said.

"That's what I was thinking," Kefka agreed.

"I think this better than socks," Sephiroth giggled.

"I dunno, they were awfully cute socks."

"....."

"Just kidding."

"I guessed as much."

"I bet you won't ever get to see the socks," Kefka said in a slightly snide tone.

"I will too!"

They sat up. Sephiroth bumped his head on the table while sitting back up, causing Kuja to stir. She mumbled something, but didn't wake up.

"She'll have to take her boots off again for that to happen," Kefka said.

"I bet I can get her to take them off," Sephiroth said.

"Bet you can't..."

Sephiroth looked at the sleeping form of Kuja. He smirked. "Bet I will...."

---

_end chapter 8_


	9. Misleading

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before! (I apologize in advance for the inexcusable raunchiness of this chapter. In fact, that being said, all raunchiness in this chapter is not meant to be taken seriously. I suppose this would just be a reminder that they _are_ still 'evil'...)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 9: Misleading

Sephiroth yawned. Meow x17 yawned.

Kefka and Kuja were arguing. Actually, the argument was borderline knock-down-drag-out fighting, except neither had thrown any punches yet. Sephiroth had given up trying to mediate. The Cat was down in his chair, trying his best not to be noticeable.

Sephiroth wasn't even sure how the argument had started. The last thing he remembered Kefka had been asking Kuja about something tail related. Now they were just sitting there yelling at each other. Kefka had the tantrum capabilities of a five-year-old, and was using them to his fullest while fighting with Kuja.

"Don't even suggest that that is what I was trying to say!" Kefka shrieked, flailing a bit.

"Funny, it sure sounds like that's what you were saying!"

They'd been going at it for a while, only stopping once for a break so that Kuja could have a drink. Fortunately, no one else was paying much attention to the bickering.

Based on the way the language of the argument was fouling, Sephiroth had a good idea of where this was heading. He and Kefka had discussed this earlier... He would have to be ready.

"No, I don't think that you would ever do that with your tail!" Kefka insisted. "It's probably not even that flexible!"

"Of course it's that flexible!"

"Reeeally?" Kefka perked with interest. "Have you tried?"

Kuja growled. "I thought you said that you weren't saying that!"

"I'm not!"

"Then don't look so _eager_!"

"I'll look as eager as I want to!" he said, sticking his tongue out at her.

"Don't stick your tongue out at me, young man!"

"Young man?!" Kefka shot back in disbelief. "How dare you call me that, you little---little... freak!"

"_Freak_?!" Kuja bristled, gripping the side of the table tightly. "At least I was born this way, and wasn't some lab rat!"

"At least I don't have a tail like you!"

"At least my tail is fully functional, unlike your _brain_!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well....well... screw you!" Kefka hissed. Kuja colored darkly.

"Screw you too!" She pushed away from the table, getting to her feet.

"You--!" Kefka turned, cheeks flushed. He and Sephiroth exchanged a glance, then nodded faintly. Sephiroth jumped up from his seat, followed a moment later by Kefka. Kuja was dragged to the floor by Sephiroth.

"Hey!" Kuja cried in annoyance. She looked at Sephiroth, and then up at Kefka. He was smirking down at her, hands on his hips. "What?! No! No! I didn't mean it like _that_!"

"Now, now, you really need to watch what comes out of your mouth," Kefka said gleefully.

"No! Lemme go, Sephiroth!" She struggled, but was easily held down. "Lemme go!"

"Sorry, Kuja," Sephiroth said, smiling faintly. Kuja growled.

"This is no way to treat a lady! Now let me go, you--!"

"Now, don't make a scene," Sephiroth said softly, putting a hand over her mouth. Her eyes widened in a panic as Kefka crouched at her feet. Kuja tried to kick him away, but Kefka was holding down her feet.

"Nononononono!" it was muffled under Sephiroth's hand, but the message was still clear.

"No sense in fighting, uwee hee...." Kefka chuckled evilly as he undid the clasps on her boots.

Kuja made another noise of protest, but Sephiroth didn't loosen his grip on her. Kefka pulled one boot off, and then the other. And then he stood up, her boots still in hand.

"See, Sephiroth? I told you she had cute socks."

The silver head turned to look at Kuja's feet. "Hey, you're right!"

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja blinked up at them in confusion as Sephiroth released his hold on her and stood up.

"What--the--the--" Kuja panted, pushing herself up into a sitting position. She glared at Sephiroth, but he averted his gaze to look at her feet. He was blushing. Kuja turned and looked at Kefka. "You!!"

She jumped to her socked feet and tackled Kefka, wrapping her hands around his throat as they hit the floor.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Kuja hissed angrily. Kefka tried to push her off, but he was laughing too hard to muster the strength.

"Don't strangle Kefka, Kuja," Sephiroth sighed. "It's just as much my fault as his."

Kuja growled over her shoulder. "I'll deal with you later!"

"Oh, c'mon!" Kefka gasped with laughter. "You didn't really think we were gonna do _that_!!"

"You had me fooled," she hissed.

"We may be stupid and evil, but we're not _that_ stupid and evil!!"

"I don't care!" she shrieked, still trying to choke the breath out of him. "I didn't give you two permission to man-handle me like that!"

"Ow!" Kefka yelped as she ground her knee into his crotch. "Gah! Stoppit!"

"Apologize!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Kefka squeaked in pain.

"Not good enough!"

"Oh, come on now, Kuja," Sephiroth said. "He apologized. Let him go." He bent down, easily plucking Kuja off of Kefka. She kicked and struggled, but again failed to escape. Sephiroth kept his arms wrapped tightly around Kuja's waist. Her feet were dangling in the air, and she continued to try to kick him.

"Let me go, you brute!" Kuja wailed. Sephiroth looked at Kefka, who had pulled himself back into his chair. Kefka shrugged mildly.

"Let her go, she won't do much more damage," Kefka sighed.

"Unless she bites you," Meow x17 said from where he was hiding in his chair.

With a slight shrug, Sephiroth deposited Kuja in her chair. He sat in his own, watching for a reaction from Kuja.

He didn't have to wait long.

"What the hell was that all about?!" Kuja shrieked. She was flushed and still gasping for breath.

"I wanted to see your socks," Sephiroth said sheepishly. Kefka giggled.

"You could have just _asked_," Kuja said evenly.

"Yes, but it was a lot more fun this way," Kefka said. "Uwee..."

Kuja slumped over the table, propping her chin on her arms. "You two are complete idiots." She closed her eyes. "Complete and totally, utterly perverted...._idiots_."

"But that's all we're good at being," Sephiroth said. Kefka nodded in agreement.

"What the hell am I gonna do with you two," she grumbled. "I can't even trust you for five minutes..."

"Would we be down here if we could be trusted?" Kefka said.

"....." She cracked an eye open. "Would I?"

"Huh?" They both looked at her. She smiled faintly.

"Thank you for the thrill, boys," Kuja said, closing her eyes again. Kefka and Sephiroth looked at each other, mouths hanging open in surprise.

"Fhu---whuu-wha?" Sephiroth sputtered.

"You mean you weren't really mad?" Kefka said.

"I was a little mad," Kuja said, still giving them the same crooked smile. "But..."

"Ooooh, you're _evil_!" Kefka giggled.

"Would I be down here if I was an innocent maiden?" Kuja snorted. "Hmph. Don't treat me like some shrieking virgin."

"You were certainly shrieking," Sephiroth said.

"You know what I mean," Kuja said. They nodded, still looking a bit puzzled.

"So if you weren't mad, why did you try to strangle me?"

"I have my reasons," she said slowly.

"Tell us!"

Kuja beckoned Kefka with a finger. He leaned closer, and she whispered something in his ear.

"What?!" Kefka balked, sitting back in his chair. "I thought you said you weren't going to ever decide!"

"Say what?"

"I _didn't_ decide anything, Keffy," Kuja said with a faintly cruel smile. "I just wanted to experiment."

"....you knew we were going to tackle you, didn't you?"

Kuja smirked. "You honestly think I'm dumb enough to bait you two like that?"

Kefka giggled again. "You're even more evil than we thought! How wonderful!"

"That also explains why you didn't trance..." Sephiroth said in a mildly thoughtful tone.

"Hmm?" Kuja looked at him curiously.

"You could have tranced and easily kicked both our asses," he said.

"But you didn't, because you're really just a dirty little pervert like us!" Kefka giggled.

Kuja sweatdropped. "I would go _that_ far. Although I did used to be quite the lady-killer."

"And now?" Kefka smirked.

"Now I've been killed and I'm a lady," she said, pursing her lips. "So I need a bit of retraining."

"We can help!" Sephiroth said with an eager grin.

"I'll try not to look too eager to take you up on that offer," Kuja said dryly.

"Uwee hee..."

She sat back, propping her feet up on the table. "So, you like my socks, huh?"

"Uh huh," Sephiroth nodded. She wiggled her toes. "They're cute."

"That _was_ our whole reason for playing out that little charade," Kefka said, tapping a finger on her big toe. She giggled.

"Foot fetish?"

"Naw, just a general Kuja fetish," he said with a grin.

"And I suppose all that tail insulting was just part of the sock plan?" Kuja said, looking down at her tail.

"Mostly," Kefka said, still grinning. "Although I did really want to know if you could do that with your tail."

She sweatdropped. "I am not going to demonstrate for you."

"Aw, c'mon!"

"Better her tail than you," Sephiroth smirked.

"Lucky tail," Kefka sighed. "It gets to touch your butt all day."

Sephiroth's eye ticked in annoyance. "Definitely better her tail than you."

"Better my tail than _either_ of you," Kuja smirked, wiggling her toes again.

They both pouted.

"Perverts..."

-----

_end chapter 9_


	10. The Underlayers of Hell, part 1

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 10: The Underlayers of Hell, part 1

"Any idea what this is about?" Kuja wondered as the trio plodded down Wretched Souls Blvd.

"Not a clue," Sephiroth said.

"....." Kefka didn't say anything. He was distracted by a large pillar of flames that seethed in a nearby lava pit.

"Kefka?"

"....uwee hee...fire!"

Kuja sweatdropped. "Keffy, quit being a pyro and pay attention to the situation at hand."

Kefka blinked, forcing his attention away from the fire. "Nyah?"

"Situation. At hand."

"Where?" Kefka looked at his hands cluelessly. Kuja and Sephiroth sighed.

"Never mind."

"Okee!" Kefka turned back to watching the fire.

The trio had been summoned by some demon or another to fulfill a task. That was a much as the courier would say, before running away screaming from the table.

"Demons and Co.," Sephiroth said, looking up at a sign on a tall office building.

"Wow, you read that whole sign by yourself?" Kuja asked sarcastically. "I'm impressed."

"Hey, I once read a whole library just to find out the truth of my existence!"

"And then you went crazy," Kefka said, his attention shifting back to the group.

"....."

"Were there pictures in the books, Seph?" Kuja looked at him with a smirk. He flushed.

"Some of them."

"I'm just _naturally_ crazy!" Kefka giggled, twirling around a few times.

"I thought it was the experiment that they did on you that made you go nuts."

He paused in mid-twirl. "That too, uwee hee."

"We all go crazy for different reasons," Kuja said, craning her head to look up at the building.

"What's your excuse?"

"I found out that I was going to die, right when I reached the peak of my powers," she said, making a face.

"Aw, poor baby."

Kuja cleared her throat. "Anyhow, enough with the pitiful reminiscence on our lives. Let's go see what this Mr. Kurshplat wants."

:

The inside of the Demons and Co. office building looked like any other office building. Except for the flames coming out of the fountain in the lobby.

"Ooooh, pretty!" Kefka squealed, again distracted by the fire.

"We need to put blinders on him," Sephiroth grumbled, dragging Kefka behind them.

They went to the main desk at the lobby.

"May I help you?" a man in a black cloak said, sounding bored. Kuja looked at him and giggled.

"Garland?" she said, covering her mouth as she laughed. "You work here?"

"The lady demon that... owns me... makes me work the front desk while she works," Garland sighed. He looked at Kuja, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "You look different somehow..."

"Khee heh heh...."

"Of course, the last time I saw you, you were tranced..." Garland squinted, and then shrugged. "Anyhow, what do you miscreants want?"

"We were summoned by a Mr. Kurshplat," Sephiroth said.

"Ah, yes.... he's expecting you." Garland heaved a sigh and pointed at the elevator. "Go to the fifth floor. His is office number 12."

"Thank you, sir," Kuja said, still giggling at her creator's fate.

"Who was that?" Kefka wondered as they went to the elevator.

"That was the guy who created me," Kuja sighed, hitting the up button.

"Oooh, we should go back and thank him!" Kefka giggled. Kuja rolled her eyes.

:

"Go right ahead, Mr. Kurshplat is waiting for you," the demonesse secretary on floor 5 told them upon arrival.

Kurshplat was a tall, ugly black and red demon. He looked like a mix between a goat and a bunny rabbit, along with big black bat wings and bloodshot eyes.

"Sit." He snapped, pointing to the floor in front of his desk.

They sat.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you," Kurshplat said, fluffy red bunny tail wiggling absently behind him.

"Uh, yeah."

"Well, you see... I lost something. And I need someone to go get it back for me."

"What'd you lose?" Kuja wondered.

"You'll find out when you get to where it is."

They blinked cluelessly.

"What I lost was last seen in the ninth underlayer of hell," Kurshplat said. "If it's still there, it shouldn't be too hard to find."

"The ninth underlayer?" Kefka tilted his head. "But normal damned souls can't get to the underlayers."

"I know. That's why I've hired you a guide."

"Why us, sir?"

Kurshplat shrugged. "Randomly chosen by the computer. I've sent several dozen teams looking for it, but none have come back."

"Right..."

"Yes. Now, I'll just get you your guide, and you'll be on your way."

"Do we get anything for doing this?" Sephiroth wondered.

"No."

"Then why should we?!"

"Because I said so!" Kurshplat roared. "I'm a high ranking demon, and you three are just piddling middle-class damned souls! You have to do what I tell you to!!"

The trio sweatdropped. "Sounds like a good reason to me."

"Yes, I thought so too." Kurshplat smirked. He turned to a door. "Ms. Flaure! Get your pathetic butt in here!"

"Comin' sir!"

A blonde woman came out through the door. She was wearing a black halter top and black cargo pants, and had long curly blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail.

And she was cute too, Kuja noted with a measure of distaste.

"Oooh, a girl!" Kefka crowed. He and Sephiroth looked at the woman with interest. Kuja glowered.

"Mr. Kefka, Mr. Sephiroth, Ms. Kuja, this is Ms. Flaure," Kurshplat said. "She'll be your guide."

"Hello there!" Flaure said brightly. She offered her hand, which the men eagerly shook.

"Hi there lady," Kefka said, staring... down.

Flaure giggled. Kuja gritted her teeth. "Ain't ya'll a cute bunch!"

"Very cute," Kuja said through her teeth. Flaure ignored her.

"All right, ya'll, let's get a move on!"

"Yes! Move on!" Kefka giggled. Sephiroth nodded in agreement.

"Someone shoot me now," Kuja sighed as the followed them out the door.

:

Flaure used a passcard to take the group to the first underlayer of hell. It looked a lot like the main layer, except for the fact that the rocks there seemed to be bleeding.

"This is the first underlayer, where general bad stuff is kept," Flaure said cheerfully. Kefka and Sephiroth were following her doggedly, while Kuja trailed behind by several yards. She grumbled occasionally.

"We're supposed to be going to the ninth underlayer," Kefka said.

"I know, but we've got to cross each layer to get to the gate to the next layer," Flaure shrugged.

The second layer was a bit darker than the first. The rocks here weren't bleeding, but most of the demons and souls that milled about looked like they were.

"What a sinister looking bunch," Sephiroth commented as they neared the gate to the next level. The path to the gate was blocked by a mob of what looked like male human teenagers.

"They're quite terrible," Flaure said. The group stopped, and Kuja eventually caught up.

"What _are_ they?" Kuja wondered, her eye twitching.

"Boy bands," Flaure said evenly. "To get to the third layer, a soul must be brave enough to get past the swarms of boy bands that plague the second underlayer."

The mass of boys were singing, all in a cheesily romantic manner. A few of them were dancing.

Kuja held her ears. "How awful."

"Who would come up with such a dreadful thing?" Kefka asked.

"They came from a planet known as Earth," Flaure said.

"Baby, baby, gotta have your love toniiiiiight," the boy bands crooned.

"What the heck is wrong with the people on that planet?" Sephiroth shuddered. Flaure shrugged.

"Ya gots me. But don't worry. Just ignore them, and you should be able to get to the gate just fine."

"Right, right..."

The group made their way through the sea of boy bands. Sephiroth had to knock a few aside with his sword to clear a path through the swarm. Eventually though, they made it through to the third gate.

"All right, just let me get it open," Flaure said. Kefka and Sephiroth looked over their shoulders wearily at the boy bands.

"Don't tell me you don't want meeee....." they continued to sing.

"Please make it quick," Kefka said, paling even more than normal.

"Hey, where's my sword?" Sephiroth wondered after a moment. "I just had it a minute ago..."

"I dunno," Kefka shrugged. "Maybe you dropped it?"

"Why would I drop it?" Sephiroth looked around. He stopped as Flaure returned. "Better question."

"What's that?"

"Where's Kuja?"

----

_end chapter 10_


	11. The Underlayers of Hell, part 2

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 11: The Underlayers of Hell, part 2

"Ungh, my head...."

Kuja managed to open her eyes a few minutes after regaining consciousness.

"What the hell?" her voice echoed in the strange looking room. She sat up, looking around.

The room was darkly lit, with rounded walls that eliminated any corners.

"Where am I? What happened?"

There was a smell to the room. One that Kuja dimly remember from times past. One of pain and screaming and other things that had used to have been quite the turn on...

"The rack?" Kuja whispered in wonderment, squinting as she looked around. _That_ was the smell. It was one from the Desert Palace... of a torture room.

:

"Where's my sword?!" Sephiroth wailed. "Where's my Kuja?!"

"_Your_ Kuja??" Kefka glared at the distraught bishounen.

"Maybe she just wandered off for a few minutes," Flaure suggested.

"Shouldn't we wait for her?" Kefka wondered, suddenly anxious.

"No, we need to press on," Flaure said, opening the gate to the third underlayer. "Now, move it!"

Kefka looked at her uncertainly, but nodded. "Okay..."

They proceeded on to the third layer. It was pitch black, lit by flames in places.

"Lovely," Kefka said dryly. Sephiroth whimpered.

:

"What the ding-dong is going on?" Kuja wondered. She rubbed a spot on her forehead that throbbed faintly. The last thing she could remember was following Flaure and the men through the swarm of boy bands. Sephiroth had been hacking a few of the crooners aside, and then there had been a flash...

"Well, hello there, Ms. Kuja...." a deep voice rumbled behind her. Kuja's tail bristled as she turned quickly.

"Kurshplat?!" Kuja jumped to her feet. "What's going on? Where am I? What am I doing here?"

"So many questions," Kurshplat said, clucking his tongue as he hopped toward her. Kuja backed away a few steps. "I suppose you want answers for them?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want answers!" Kuja said nervously.

Kurshplat gave her a lecherous look. "I don't think you can handle all the answers."

Kuja paled, "Aiya..."

:

"What's this layer for?" Kefka wondered as they followed Flaure.

"It's a storage level..."

"Do they store swords and Genomes here?" Sephiroth asked hopefully.

"No..."

"Then what?" Kefka wondered.

"It's where darkness is stored..." Flaure said mysteriously. "Where the universe's darkest fears and desires are kept."

"Kinky," the blonde said, but it sounded halfhearted.

"Indeed..."

:

"Well, at least tell me what I'm doing here!" Kuja said.

Kurshplat continued to advance on her, and she continued to try to keep a distance between them.

"Oh, I'm sure you can guess _that_," he chuckled. Kuja swallowed nervously.

"The last time someone came at me looking like that, they just wanted to see my socks," she said. "But I get the feel that that's not what you're after."

Kurshplat chuckled again. "How very astute of you."

Her back hit the wall. "Uh...well... where are Kefka and Sephiroth?!" She tensed suddenly. "They're still with that...that...woman!"

"Yes, they are," he smirked. "And soon they'll be part of her collection."

"C-collection?"

"Flaure is a soul collector," Kurshplat said, looming over Kuja.

"A what?!"

"She collects souls," he smirked. "Puts them into little glass bottles."

"But... why would you send us with a guide that was just going us, if you wanted someone to find your whatever it is?!"

"Only worthy souls may enter the deeper underlayers of hell," Kurshplat said. He was trying not to be obvious as he looked down her shirt. Kuja flushed angrily and crossed her arms over her chest. "If they can escape the soul collector, then they're worthy."

"You rotten bastard, sending us into a trap like that!" Kuja snapped.

Kurshplat shrugged. "Really I was just going after you... their disposal is inconsequential."

"They won't think so!" Kuja glared at him. "I know all about toying with souls! I used to do it professionally." She slid along the wall, trying to get away from goat-bunny demon. He turned, watching her.

"What do you think you're doing?" he looked amused. "Trying to get away?"

"Uh, duh, yeah!" Kuja darted away to the other side of the room. "Getting away seems like a really good idea!"

Kurshplat laughed. "Silly girl, you can't get away."

Kuja looked around the room as Kurshplat hopped toward her again. A glint of something metallic behind a table caught her eye.

"What's that?" she whispered to herself. Kuja moved in the direction of the object. Kurshplat was talking as he pursued her.

"Oh yes, Ms. Demona told me that her little pet Garland talks about you sometimes," Kurshplat said. "Said that you were a lovely little toy..."

"I'm no one's toy anymore!" Kuja hissed. She moved behind the table and looked down. At her feet rested a long familiar object.

'Sephiroth's sword!' her brain shrieked joyfully. She crouched a bit.

"Ah, but you're my toy now..." Kurshplat said, facing her at the opposite side of the table.

:

The fourth layer looked a lot like the main layer's lava pits. It was mostly that--lava pits. The path to the fifth floor gate was pretty straightforward, but about halfway across the layer, Flaure stopped.

"Why'd we stop?" Sephiroth wondered, looking around. He remembered the time they'd accidentally knocked Kuja into a lava pit. He wondered where she was now.

"Yeah, I thought you said we had to keep moving!" Kefka said.

"Oh, we do, we do..." Flaure chuckled. "At least, I do..."

"What?"

"You see, boys.... your trip ends here."

"Huh?!" Sephiroth and Kefka stepped back in surprise.

Flaure threw her arms wide, laughing wickedly. She began to change form, growing nearly twice as tall. She turned into a huge black demon, long horns sprouting from her forehead and a long tail curling from her rear. The rest of her body remained fairly human in shape, except for becoming bulky and furry and really not as cute as before.

"Eep!" Kefka squeaked, trying to hide behind Sephiroth. The bishounen was trying to hide behind Kefka.

"Mommy!" Sephiroth wailed.

"Do something!"

"I can't, my sword's gone!"

"_Fools_!" Flaure roared, breathing a mass of flames at them. The men shrieked and did their best to run away.

"Ice3!" Kefka attacked Flaure, but it didn't have any effect on her. "Uh...ur....shit! Run away!"

"We can't get back through the gate without a passcard!" Sephiroth wailed as they neared the gate.

They turned back to face Flaure. She loomed large over them, cackling in a terrible voice.

"_I am the Soul Collector!_" Flaure snarled, pulling two small glass jars out of thin air. "_And now I shall collect you!_"

Flaure cackled in triumph as Kefka and Sephiroth let out a pair of fairly uncharacteristic screams.

:

"I told you, I'm no one's toy!" Kuja picked up the sword and swung it at the demon. She missed terribly, but did manage to cut clean through the table. "Shit, no wonder Sephiroth is so in love with this damn thing!"

Sword in hand, Kuja hopped away from the demon with agility that would have made her little brother proud.

"Oh, now what have you there?" Kurshplat chuckled.

"Let me go!" Kuja shouted, brandishing the sword. "I have to go save my friends from that blonde bitch!"

"I'm afraid I can't let you go," he shrugged.

Something echoed in Kuja's mind. A scream. A very weird one at that.

"Kefka! Sephiroth!" Kuja blinked. She pointed the sword at Kurshplat. "They're the only people in the whole damn underworld who give a fuck about me! I can't let them become part of someone's collection!"

"And just how do you plan on saving them? They're in the fourth underlayer."

"I..." Kuja thought. "I need a passcard! Give me one!"

"Silly girl, I'm not letting you _leave_, let alone go and try to save them from one of the bitchiest demons in hell." He reached out quickly, knocking the sword from her hand and effortlessly throwing her to the floor. "Now..."

"No!" Kuja gritted her teeth as she tried to get back up. Kurshplat held her down easily with his paw.

"Time to play."

"_I said NO, dammit!_" Kuja shrieked angrily.

"Hey!" Kurshplat quickly pulled his paw away as a flash of bright blue light burned it.

Trance Kuja bounced up from her fallen position and tackled Kurshplat, sending him flying.

"What the hell?!"

"Never underestimate a lady with a tail!" Kuja snapped. She picked up the sword. "Come, Masamune, we've got work to do!"

Kuja made an exit in the wall and disappeared through it.

Kurshplat sighed.

"Why are the pretty ones always such bitches?"

-----

_end chapter 11_


	12. The Underlayers of Hell, part 3

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 12: The Underlayers of Hell, part 3

"_Yes! Scream like the little sissies that you are!!_"

"We're not sissies!" Kefka shouted back as they fled from the demon. "We used to hold whole planets cowering in fear!"

"I want my sword!!" Sephiroth wailed.

Flaure glared as they ran around her and tried to get away. "_Will you two hold still? I can't catch you if you keep moving!!_"

"That was the general idea!"

"_You're supposed to be paralyzed with fear, trembling at the mere sight of me!!_" Flaure hissed and shot another volley of fire at the men.

"You're ugly, not scary!"

Flaure growled. "_I should find smaller bottles to put your pathetic souls in!_" she snarled. "_How could such weaklings ever be true villains?!_"

"Dying kind of kills your confidence!" Sephiroth shouted. They continued to flee, looping away from the gate again.

"_I said hold still!_" Flaure roared. She lashed out, knocking both men off their feet. Kefka landed in a heap, but Sephiroth was sent over the edge of the path.

"Aaaii!" Sephiroth clamped his eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable lava burn. But instead of feeling himself hit the lava, he felt something pass quickly over his shoulder, stopping his descent. "Huh?" He opened his eyes in surprise.

The Masamune extended from the wall, pinning Sephiroth up by the collar.

"My sword!" Sephiroth cried happily. "You came back!"

"Peek-a-boo, you blonde bitch!" A red form appeared on Flaure's head.

"_What the--?!_" Flaure attempted to throw the form off, but failed.

"Kuja!" Kefka hopped to his feet. "Uwee hee hee! You're all right!"

"Of course I am!" Kuja snapped. She hit the soul collector on the head repeatedly with her tail. "No one messes around with my men, especially stupid blonde little soul stealing bitches!"

"Uh, a hand?" Sephiroth called. Kefka scrambled to the side of the path, leaning over. "Hey! Help me up!"

"I dunno..." Kefka tapped his chin and looked thoughtful. "If I let you fall, I think I'd have an easier time getting Kuja."

"_Kefka_!!" Sephiroth kicked the wall.

"Right, right..." Kefka floated down and held Sephiroth by the arm. Sephiroth pulled the sword free, and they returned to the path.

"_I thought I got rid of you!_" Flaure shouted as Kuja jumped off her head and landed in front of her.

"Yes, you did. And while being Kurshplat's play toy was just _so_ much fun, I'm afraid I have more important things to be doing!"

"_Of course, you weren't so red and molting when I sent you back to Kurshplat_," Flaure smirked. "_I suppose I'll just have to collect you too!_"

"You won't be collecting anyone!" Kuja hissed, tail lashing angrily.

"Her tail really is cute," Kefka whispered to Sephiroth, who nodded in agreement.

"I think she's cuter when she's mad," Sephiroth whispered.

"Actually, I think she's not cuter when she's mad, I think she gets _sexier_," Kefka observed.

"Oooh, you're right!"

"Do you two perverts mind?!" Kuja shouted over her shoulder. "I'm trying to save your butts, and all you two can do is discuss my sex appeal!"

"Sorry, Kuja-doll! Continue saving our perverted little butts!" Kefka called, waving cheerfully.

Flaure sweatdropped. "_And you're really sure you _want_ to save them?_"

Kuja shrugged. "They may be idiots, but aside from a Gimme Cat and a little brother in heaven, they're all I've got."

"Aw, she claims us!" Kefka giggled.

"_You're a very strange woman,_" Flaure said. She snarled. "_You will make a very interesting addition to my collection!_"

"Still with the collecting thing?" Kuja sighed, floating up to eye level with the demon. "I fought too hard for my soul to let some ingrate like you have it!"

"Can we help?" Sephiroth called.

"_You couldn't help before, what good will you be now?_" Flaure laughed.

"Ah, but I have my sword now!" Sephiroth waved the Masamune to make his point.

"_Hmph. Give a man a sword, and suddenly he thinks he's worth something._"

"Hey!" Kefka hopped a few times. "He's not worth anything _with_ the sword!"

"You're not helping!"

"I knooow," Kefka giggled.

Sephiroth ran up behind Kuja. He whispered to her. "Do you think you can handle her?"

"I think so..." Kuja tilted her head. "You two just distract her!"

"Right!" He ran back to Kefka.

"_I'll start with you, you feathered freak!_" Flaure hissed. She threw one of the little glass bottles at Kuja. With a flick of her long red tail Kuja slowed the bottle and intercepted it. "_Hey!_"

"You just don't listen!"

"_I don't have to listen, you pathetic fool!_" Flaure threw the second bottle at Kuja, but it was intercepted by the blade of Sephiroth's sword. The bottle shattered and fell in fragments to the ground.

"Yoo-hoo, Miss evil tour guide!" Kefka catcalled from behind Flaure. The demon whirled around to face him.

Kuja landed next to Sephiroth. "I think that if we can turn her back to her more human form then we can actually deal with her."

"How do you plan on doing that?" Sephiroth wondered. They saw a flash from Kefka's direction, and heard him laughing giddily as Flaure roared in annoyance.

She looked at him. "_I'm_ not going to."

Sephiroth sweatdropped. "Let me guess, I get to?"

"You're the one with the sword." Kuja waved a pale hand. "Just cut her tail off."

"You make it sound so simple."

"Don't worry, you've got me and Kefka for backup!" With that, Kuja jumped up, landing on Flaure's back.

"Right..." Sephiroth heard Kefka laughing again. "Hell, if that nut can fight, so can I!"

"Yee-haw!" Kuja laughed, hanging down from one of Flaure's horns by the tail. "Hi there! Are you having as much fun as we are?"

Flaure roared angrily, trying to throw Kuja off of her head.

"Oooh, bad breath!" Kuja held her hands up in Flaure's face. "FlareStar!"

Sephiroth gave a wicked chuckle as he heard Flaure roar again.

"My turn!" He leapt toward Flaure, and with a quick swing of his sword removed the demon's tail.

Flaure's eyes bugged wide. "_My tail!!!_"

Kuja bounced away, landing next to Kefka. Flaure roared in pain, and in a flash of light returned to her more diminutive form.

"You bastards!" Flaure hissed.

Sephiroth posed, sword at the ready.

"How dare you!" Flaure shouted, brushing her hair back in an angry motion.

"Oh, it's not that hard," Kuja smirked, standing between Kefka and Sephiroth. "You see, I know something you don't."

"What's that?"

Kefka pointed. "There's a big ugly spider about to jump on you."

Flaure shrieked, turning around. "Where?!"

"Right here!" Kuja pounced on the soul collector, pinning her to the ground.

"Hey, get offa me!"

"No, I don't think so..." Kuja smirked again, pulling the passcard from Flaure's pocket. She tossed the card to Kefka.

"What are you doing?"

Kuja leaned over Flaure and gave her a sinister grin. "Oh, you really should do better research on the souls you're collecting."

Kefka giggled. "Uwee hee!" He waved the passcard.

"Bye-bye, Flaure," Kuja hissed, holding up the bottle.

"You can't do that!"

"Oh yes I caaaan!" Kuja slammed the bottle on Flaure's forehead.

"No!" Flaure wailed as she was sucked into the bottle.

"Oomph!" Kuja let out a little grunt as she landed on the ground. "Gotcha, you little blonde bitch!"

"What are you going to do with her?" Kefka wondered as Kuja got to her feet.

"I have an idea." She looked at the lava pits that surrounded the path.

"Oooh, that's a _hot_ idea!" Kefka giggled.

"I thought so too," she grinned.

Kefka grinned as he watched Kuja hurl the bottle into the lava.

"Somehow I get the feeling that you were a little jealous of Flaure?"

Kuja watched the bottle disappear into the lava. "Don't flatter yourself."

He giggled.

Kuja went over to where Sephiroth was still standing, sword in hand.

"Something wrong, Sephy?" Kuja wondered. He looked at her, eyes wide.

"N-no!" he grinned. "I'm great!"

"You look a little disturbed."

Sephiroth smiled. "More than usual?"

"Well..."

"I just haven't felt a thrill like that in a long time!" Sephiroth said, resting the Masamune on his shoulder.

"Ah, yes, the thrill of beating the snot out of your enemies..." Kefka hopped over to them.

"Do you think what Flaure said was true?" Sephiroth wondered.

"'Bout what?"

"Have we gone soft? Are we not evil enough anymore?"

Kefka shrugged. "Maybe. But hey, we're dead. Not much else we can do anymore."

"Maybe..."

Kuja looked between them. "I wouldn't worry about it. After all, we handled _her_ without too much trouble."

"Yes, but you came to our rescue!" Sephiroth said, grinning sheepishly.

"Our heroine!" Kefka giggled. Kuja smiled and turned to Sephiroth.

"Thank you," she said, standing on her tip-toes and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Sephiroth flushed, squeaking wordlessly in surprise. Kefka made a strangled noise.

"F-for what?" Sephiroth managed.

"For carrying that damn sword of yours around all the time," Kuja said, stepping back.

"Wha---eeh---" Kefka continued making little confused noises.

"Oh!" Sephiroth grinned.

"After all, I wouldn't have been able to save your butts if Flaure hadn't been dumb enough to send the sword with me," Kuja said as she walked toward the gate to the fifth underlayer.

"Wait for me!" Sephiroth said, sticking his tongue out at Kefka as he followed Kuja.

"H-hey, no fair!" Kefka cried, chasing after them.

"Come on, you guys, we've still got to find that...whatever it is!"

---

_end chapter 12_


	13. The Underlayers of Hell, part 4

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 13: The Underlayers of Hell, part 4

"Are we there yet?"

"Nope."

"Damn." Kefka scuffed his shoes on the tiled floor of the eighth underlayer of hell. "This sucks."

"I don't think it's that bad," Sephiroth said cheerfully.

"You wouldn't."

"Boys, quit arguing," Kuja said with a smirk. She adjusted her skirt.

"Kefka's just jealous," Sephiroth said in a mocking tone. Kefka growled.

"I'm not jealous!" he hopped indignantly.

"Jeal-ous."

"Oh, come on. It's not like I necked him or anything!" Kuja laughed at Kefka's discomfort.

"You didn't have to do it in front of me!" Kefka pouted. Sephiroth made a little mocking motion behind his back.

"You two are just _so_ mature."

"I'll be even more mature if you give me another little peck like that," Sephiroth said with a hopeful grin. She rolled her eyes.

"Don't press your luck."

"Yeah, let someone else have a turn," Kefka said.

They arrived at the gate to the ninth underlayer. Kuja pulled out the passcard.

"So... we're supposed to find out what we're looking for when we get there, right?"

"I think so."

"I wonder what we're looking for," Kefka said, trying to edge Sephiroth away from Kuja.

"A bit of sanity, perhaps?" Kuja smirked, sliding the card into the gate. There was a beep, and the gate unlocked.

"Sanity?! Ha!! Who needs it?" Kefka hooted with laughter as he followed Kuja through the door. Sephiroth trailed a step behind, yelping as the gate slammed shut behind him.

"Stupid door," Sephiroth muttered, checking to make sure that his sword was all right.

"Besides," Kefka said to Sephiroth as they followed Kuja into the jungle that was the ninth underlayer. "She was tranced, so it didn't count."

"Huh?" Sephiroth blinked. "What do you mean it didn't count?!"

"She acts weird when she trances," Kefka said.

"So? It still counts!"

"Think what you want, it didn't count."

"_Boys_." Kuja glared at them over her shoulder.

"We're still even," Kefka said under his breath.

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are _not_."

"Are--OW!!" Kefka whirled to face Sephiroth. "Whattid you do that for?!"

"Do what, clown boy?" Sephiroth snapped.

"You poked me with your sword!"

"Did not!"

"Uh, Kefka?" Kuja suppressed a giggle.

"What?"

"You've got a lizard on your butt."

"Huh?" Kefka looked over his shoulder. There was, in fact, what looked like a red iguana clamped onto Kefka's posterior. "Ah! Get it off! Get it off!"

"Hold still!" Kuja laughed. "It's just an iguana."

"I don't care what it is! Get it off me now!"

"Well, just... hold still already!" Kuja grabbed him by the collar, and he stopped squirming. Kuja grabbed the lizard and managed to work it loose.

"Sqwark!" the iguana chirruped in annoyance.

"Bad lizard! You shouldn't be biting people's butts, even if they do deserve it." Kuja looked at the iguana curiously.

"Does that mean you want to bite my butt?" Kefka asked hopefully, inspecting his cloak for teeth marks.

Kuja sweatdropped. "Sure, it means I want to bite your butt."

"Uwee!" Kefka turned and stuck his tongue out at Sephiroth. "Nyah nyah!"

Sephiroth managed to ignore Kefka's taunting--mostly. "Uh-urm--hey! Is that thing wearing a collar?"

"I think you're right," Kuja said, noticing the black leather band going around the iguana's neck. A little gold tag hung from the collar. "Let's see what it says."

"Sqweerk..."

"His name is Ferness, and--"

"Furnace?" Kefka said with a puzzled look. "Why would anyone name an iguana Furnace?"

The lizard looked at Kefka, opened its jaws, and shot a stream of flame at him. He yelped and jumped back.

"That's a pretty good reason," Sephiroth said with a smirk.

"Very funny."

Kuja cleared her throat. "Ferness belongs to Kurshplat."

Kefka looked at the lizard in annoyance. "You mean _this_ is what we went through all this trouble to find?"

"I guess so."

"Sqwer-sqwerk." Ferness wiggled a bit.

"Oh no, you're staying with us for now," Kuja said, holding the lizard tighter.

"Sqwerrrk!" Ferness snuggled against Kuja, snout stuck under the edge of her tank top.

"Like owner, like iguana," Kuja said, blushing heavily.

"Lucky lizard," Kefka grumbled.

"Aw, I think he likes you," Sephiroth snickered.

"Get in line, lizard!" Kefka snapped at Ferness. The iguana hissed at him.

"Ah, hey, that tickles," Kuja giggled. "Can we get going before I make one of you hold this thing?"

"Right, right..." Kefka took the passcard from her and they started back.

:

"Back so soon?" Garland looked at them curiously as they returned to the Demons and Co. building.

"Yes," Kuja sighed. Garland looked at her with a blink.

"Why do you have an iguana looking up your--hey, when did you get breasts?"

"You're just so observant," Kuja growled.

"I don't remember giving you them," Garland scratched his beard thoughtfully.

"Yeah, but they're nice, aren't they?" Kefka leaned around her and grinned.

"Sqweee..." Ferness made a noise of agreement. Kuja blushed again.

"You can see 'em better when she trances," Sephiroth noted.

Kuja cleared her throat. "Is Kurshplat in?"

"Yes, go on ahead..."

"Thank you." Kuja led them off toward the elevator. Garland watched them depart with a curious stare.

"When _she_ trances?"

:

Kurshplat was waiting for them when they arrived.

"So you fools finally came back," the demon growled in greeting.

"Lucky for us," Kefka glared at Kurshplat. The demon shrugged.

"What happened to Flaure?"

"She's taking a lava bath," Kuja smirked, following Kefka and Sephiroth into the room.

"Ferness!" Kurshplat hopped to his feet. "You found him!"

"Yes..." Kuja pulled the iguana loose and set him on the floor. "He's very...friendly."

The demon scooped up the iguana and hugged him gleefully. "Yes, my Fern-werny loves the ladies!"

Sephiroth and Kefka snickered.

"Excuse me for asking, but why do you have a fire breathing iguana as a pet?" Kefka asked.

"He's not an iguana, he's a demi-dragon," Kurshplat said.

"A demi-what?"

"A demi-dragon. A _leeeetle_ one." Kurshplat set the lizard on his shoulder. "I've had Ferness ever since I was a little demon."

"And how did he get all the way down to the ninth underlayer?"

Kurshplat shrugged. "He snuck out while I was in a meeting one day. Was probably off chasing tail."

"Sqweerk!"

Kuja adjusted her tank top. "That I can believe."

"We got what you wanted, can we leave now?" Sephiroth said in a slightly whiny tone. Kurshplat waved a hand.

"Of course, you're free to go now. You could have just left Ferness back at the desk instead of bringing him all the way up here..." He gave Kuja a toothy grin. "Unless you just wanted to see me again.."

"No, no she didn't!" Kefka snapped defensively. He and Sephiroth stood in front of Kuja. Kurshplat shrugged.

"Suit yourself. But if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me!"

"Right..." Kuja made a face. She grabbed Kefka and Sephiroth by the elbows. "C'mon guys, lets get out of here."

"I'm right behind you!"

"No, _I_ am!"

"Hey, me first!"

Kuja shook her head and continued making a bee-line for the elevator while they squabbled behind her.

"Umm, gentlemen?" Kurshplat spoke up after a few minutes.

"What?" They paused in mid-squabble.

"She already left," the demon said, pointing toward the door.

"Damn!"

"Kuja-doll, wait for us!"

She was down in the lobby talking to Garland when they finally caught up with her.

"I can't believe he got into heaven."

"He wasn't a bad guy, Garland," Kuja said with a shrug.

"Yes, that was quite an unfortunate development," Garland sighed.

"No, _this_ is an unfortunate development," Kuja said, pointing at her chest. "Zidane being a good guy was just fate."

"Perhaps."

"Ooh, can we point at your chest too?" Kefka giggled and hopped up behind her. Sephiroth trailed a few steps behind, trying to catch his breath.

"Do they follow you everywhere?" Garland wondered, eyeing the bishounen and the blonde.

"Not everywhere, but they try."

"Yes, we're getting better at it!" Kefka grinned.

"How comforting."

"So you're the guy who created Kuja?" Kefka asked, leaning around her.

"Yes, that's right."

"You did a very good job," Sephiroth grinned.

"You're the first to think so," Garland said in a sour tone.

"Actually, I think _I_ was," Kefka said. "He was just copying me."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

Garland watched them squabble for a moment, then cleared his throat. "Excuse me, gentlemen?"

"Huh?"

"I thought you two followed...her... everywhere," Garland said.

"We do!"

"Then why aren't you _now_?"

"Wha?" They turned in unison to find that Kuja had already started off for the door. She was, in fact, standing next to the fiery decorative fountain and yawning.

"Kuja-doll, wait for us!"

"Yeah, wait for us!"

They ran off after her. Garland looked puzzled and scratched his beard.

"We have to escort you to make sure no one tries to do anything dirty and kinky to you!"

"Yeah, that's _our_ job!"

----

_end chapter 13_


	14. Tails in the Tree

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 14: Tails in the Tree

Kuja awoke from her nap with a snort. Looking around, she was curious to find that the only other occupant of the table was Meow x17. The Gimme Cat was chewing his claws.

"Lookie who woke up, meow," Meow x17 said. He sounded about as bored as he looked.

"Where's Sephiroth and Kefka?" Kuja wondered, sitting up and stretching.

"Sephiroth went off to see his Mommy, or something, and Kefka's at work," Meow x17 said.

"His _Mommy_?" Kuja echoed doubtfully. The Cat nodded.

"Yeup. Had to get a day pass and everything. He'll be back later."

She waved the waitress over and ordered a drink. "You mean his mother's in heaven?"

"I think so," Meow x17 shrugged. "His parentage is kinda confusing."

"Isn't everybody's."

"Not mine! Botha my parents work down in the petting zoo in the first underlayer."

"Right..."

"And at least you know where your creator is," Meow x17 said keenly.

"Yeah..." Kuja twirled a strand of hair absently around her pinkie. "I bet it'd be nice to have parents though."

"Sometimes," the Cat said. "Other times they're a real drag."

Kuja smiled. "Well, then perhaps they're not too different from just a creator."

"Probably not."

Kuja made a faint noise of surprise as a pair of hands closed over her eyes.

"Guess whoo?" a voice asked in a silly falsetto.

"Hands off the face, Kefka," Kuja said with a chuckle.

"Close enough!" Kefka giggled, pulling his hands away. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before flopping down in his chair. Kuja looked at him curiously.

"Why so chipper?" she wondered.

"Ooh, no reason!" he said, watching as the waitress brought Kuja her drink. "Uwee hee!"

"Good time at work?"

"It was the usual," Kefka said with a slight shrug. "Although..."

Kuja sipped her drink. "Although what?"

"I met someone," he said with a grin. Kuja arched a brow.

"Who'dya meet?" Meow x17 wondered.

"Yeah, who?"

"A nice woman who works at the Hell's Bells Insane Asylum," Kefka said.

"They tried to lock you up again, Kef?" Meow x17 snickered.

"I thought hell was just one big insane asylum," Kuja said. "They have a special place to put crazy people?"

"Uh huh," Kefka nodded.

Kuja pursed her lips. "Then why aren't you there?"

"Because I didn't attack anyone when I arrived in hell," Kefka said. "Otherwise I'd be spending eternity in a nice padded room." He smirked. "I wasn't out-of-control enough to be locked up."

"What a pity."

"Don't you want to hear more about the lady?" Kefka wondered, fidgeting a bit.

"I don't suppose there's anything else to talk about until Sephiroth gets back..."

Kefka grinned. "I thought you might be interested in hearing more about her."

Kuja sipped from her drink again. "Then go ahead."

"Her name's Azera Tribel, and she's one of the key-keepers at the Insane Asylum," Kefka said matter-of-factly.

"Tribel?"

"Mm-hmm. She came into the store to get a new...um...something or other. She's got long white hair, and blue eyes... very pretty. We talked for awhile."

Kuja sweatdropped. "You were hitting on her?"

"No! Of course not!" Kefka giggled. "I talked to her because I thought she looked like you."

"I don't have white hair."

"I know that," he shrugged. "But she had your face... and..."

"And what?"

Kefka leaned toward her with a smirk. "She's got a long white tail."

"A tail?" Kuja blinked. "Really?"

"Uh-huh. And that's not all." Kefka leaned back in his chair. "I asked her where she was from, and when she died, and why... the usual ice breaker stuff."

"You _were_ hitting on her."

"A little. Couldn't help it."

"Anyhow."

"Yes, anyhow! She's from a planet called Terra, and died probably about five thousand years before you arrived.. give or take a few decades."

Kuja looked intrigued. "From ancient Terra..."

"I knew you'd be interested," Kefka giggled.

"I thought the Terrans were all good people though, I wonder how she ended up in hell," Kuja said.

"She said she was one of the last of her people to die," Kefka said. "That she got sent to hell for being a manipulating, backstabbing bitch. And for creating some guy who was supposed to watch some tree."

"One of the ones who created Garland?" she looked at Kefka. "Do you think I could find her somewhere?"

"Azera works at Hell's Bells most of the time," Kefka said. "You should be able to find her there."

"Thank you, Kefka," Kuja said, standing up. She paused. "Would you like to come with me?"

"Sure!" Kefka giggled. "As long as you don't leave me there."

"Leave him there!" Meow x17 called as they departed.

:

Hell's Bells was just a short walk past the far side of the Great Mall of Hell. Considering the massive dimensions of the mall, that isn't something to be taken lightly. But they got there eventually.

"Mr. Palazzo, I thought you were trying to stay away from here," one of the orderlies sneered at Kefka as they entered.

"I'm _visiting_," Kefka said, trailing closely behind Kuja. He whispered to her. "Don't let them lock me up. They really really want to."

"Right..." Kuja smiled, going up to the desk.

"How can I help you, miss?" the demon behind the desk asked.

"I was wondering if a Ms. Tribel was working now?"

"Yeah, she's down on cafeteria duty," the demon said.

"May I speak with her?"

"Are you carrying anything that can be used as a weapon?" the demon asked, reading off a small checklist.

"Not intentionally."

"Are all your shots up to date?"

"Probably."

"The asylum is not responsible for any damage you may incur while on the grounds. Are you insured?"

"She's dead!" Kefka piped up with a giggle.

"Good enough," the demon shrugged. He handed her a visitor's pass. "Have a nice stay, please don't taunt the residents."

"Right, thank you..." Kuja looked at the pass.

"I'll show you where the cafeteria is!" Kefka said, holding her by the arm and dragging her off down a hall.

"You've been here before?"

"A few times. I have to come in every once in a while to make sure I'm still not worthy of being committed."

"How comforting." Kuja followed him down the hall. "Why do they have a cafeteria if there isn't any food?"

"They're crazy, they don't know there isn't any food," Kefka said with a shrug. Kuja muffled a laugh.

The cafeteria was brightly lit and painted in annoying shades of green. Kuja cringed as they entered, but got over it. Long tables were full of people, most of whom were staring at empty plates. The rest were drinking orange juice.

"That's right folks, eat it up. You're not getting any saner," a haughty female voice called from the opposite side of the lunchroom.

"That would be Azera," Kefka grinned, steering Kuja off in the direction of the voice.

Azera Tribal was about the same height as Kuja, wearing a tight dark red nurse's uniform. Her white hair was pulled back into a ponytail, except for a smattering of white feathers that were brushed back against her head. And true to Kefka's word, a long white tail curled out from the woman's backside.

"Well, I can see why you were hitting on her, she's wearing your favorite color," Kuja said to him. Kefka giggled.

"I promise, I wasn't hitting on her!"

"We'll see about that."

"Well, what do we have here?" Azera said as the pair approached. "If it isn't Mr. Uwee-hee."

"Hello, Miss Tribel!" Kefka waved cheerfully.

"Who's your lady friend?" Azera looked at Kuja keenly.

"This is Kuja," Kefka said with a smile. "The one I was talking about earlier."

"Oh yes," the white-haired woman smiled. "So you're from Terra?"

"I was," Kuja said.

"Ooh, orange juice!" Kefka hopped off. Kuja shook her head slightly.

"He's...uh...somewhat easily distracted."

"I see." Azera looked around to make sure her charges hadn't broken anything, then offered Kuja a seat. They sat at the table. "So, what brings you here?"

"Kefka was telling me about you, and based on what he said I thought I might benefit from talking to you..."

"Peterson! I told you not to chew on the glass!" Azera shouted over Kuja's shoulder. She looked back at her. "Yes, well... do you have any specific questions?"

"Kefka said that you were one of the people who created Garland?"

"That's right," she nodded and smiled. "The last of us created Garland, so that he could work on restoring Terra."

"Yeah... that restoring thing..." Kuja blushed for a moment.

"How is it going, anyways?" Azera wondered. Kuja drummed her fingers on the table.

"It...uh...isn't."

"What? Why not?!" Azera pounded a fist on the table, which was mimicked by several other people nearby. "I didn't sacrifice myself and donate my genes to the project just for it to be stopped!"

"It wasn't my fault! Not totally..." Kuja looked away for a moment.

"I've been here a long time, Kuja," Azera said. "Tell me what happened to Terra."

She looked at the table. "I happened."

"How's that?"

"Well, uh, you probably already knew that Garland was going to create Genomes to become the homes of Terra's sleeping souls, right?" Azera nodded. "Well, the planet Gaia was being cleansed of its souls so that it could become Terra. But the process wasn't going fast enough for Garland's liking, so he started work on the Genomes early. He used one of the earlier models to become his angel of death for Gaia... me."

"There were five of us that left our genes to be used to create the Genomes..." Azera looked thoughtfully at Kuja and smiled. "I admit, I see a bit of Sethe in you..." She smiled wistfully, then shook her head.

"Kefka said that I looked like you," Kuja said. "Except for the hair color, of course."

"Well, I was always a bit of a freak," Azera laughed. "I think that's why I was one of the samples." She squinted at Kuja. "Yes, I suppose I do see the resemblence."

"Well, Garland almost immediately decided he needed a better model of Genome, so he fiddled with the older versions until he came up with his final one. "They had blonde hair, shorter tails, and no feathers..."

"How dreadfully dull," Azera said. Kuja nodded in agreement, looking over her shoulder as Kefka returned with a glass of orange juice. He sat next to Kuja.

"I got some!" he giggled.

"Yes, the tranquilizers will do you some good," Azera said with a smirk. Kefka looked at the glass and shrugged.

"Well, when I found out that I was being replaced, I got upset, and kinda freaked out."

"Major freak out," Kefka grinned. He took a gulp of the orange juice.

"What did you do?" Azera wondered.

"I sorta blew up Terra."

"You what?!" Azera's shriek echoed off the walls of the cafeteria.

"Oooh, nice echo!" Kefka giggled. He finished the glass of orange juice, and looked around. "Hey, are you gonna finish that?"

"There's still a husk left," Kuja said, surprised at how sheepish she sounded.

"I can't believe this!" Azera glared at her angrily. "I can't believe Garland would be dumb enough to create something that would destroy the very purpose of its creation!"

"I was _upset_!" Kuja shot back. Both women glared at each other. A hint of red was appearing at Azera's hairline.

"Uh oh, I know where this is going," Kefka said as he finished his second glass of orange juice. He hiccupped. "Now, uwee, don't go blowing shtuff up again, Kuja-doll."

"There's nothing here to blow up," Kuja said with an annoyed sniff.

"I think I can find something worth blowing up," Azera said, digging her nails into the table.

"I think you need shum medicashun yershelf..." Kefka said, his voice becoming slurred.

"And I thought just having a creator who thought I was a worthless doll was bad," Kuja said with a sneer.

"Kuja-doll..."

"I think you two are both completely insane," Azera hissed slowly, standing up. "I'm going to have you both locked up."

"Not that...." Kefka squeaked faintly and slumped against Kuja.

"You can't lock us up! We're just visiting!"

Azera smirked. "Just watch me."

----

_end chapter 14_


	15. Lady Palazzo

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 15: Lady Palazzo

"Kefka, I think now would be a good time to leave," Kuja said. He make a faint moan of reply before slumping further. His head landed on her thigh. Kuja sweatdropped, her brow twitching. "_Kefka!_"

"I don't wanna go to school, mommy..." Kefka muttered into her leg.

Kuja growled and pulled him up by the ponytail. "Kefka Palazzo, get up or they're gonna lock you up!"

His eyes popped open. "Oww! But Kuja, you said you wouldn't let them lock me up!"

"I didn't expect my relative to be a _psycho_," Kuja said, eyeing Azera as she pulled a whistle out from somewhere.

"Then maybe we should get the hell out of here?" Kefka said, wincing as Kuja released her grip on his hair. She nodded curtly.

Azera blew the whistle loudly, causing both villains to cringe. "Guards! We have two residents attempting to escape!"

Kuja and Kefka fled for the cafeteria's exit, but were intercepted by two big ugly demon guards.

"And where do you think you're going?" the guards sneered down at them.

"We were just leaving!" Kuja said with a nervous laugh.

"Lock them up!" Azera shouted, not very far behind.

The guards looked down at Kuja and Kefka again, then shook their heads. "But we can't, Ms. Tribel."

"What?! Why not?!"

"She's got a visitor's pass, and he's Mr. Palazzo," one of the guards said.

"Yeah, he hasn't been admitted yet, so we can't lock him up," the other guard said.

"You have to be kidding me!" Azera stomped her foot.

"Sorry, ma'am..."

"Then I'll just have to deal with her myself...." Azera looked to where they'd been standing. "Hey, where'd they go?!"

:

Kefka and Kuja gasped for breath when they finally came to a stop several blocks away from Hell's Bells.

"That was close," Kefka wheezed. Kuja nodded in agreement.

"I'm starting to wish I didn't have any relatives," Kuja said, sitting down for a moment. "They all seem to be really really short tempered.."

"Even Zidane?"

She nodded. "Even Zidane. Well, maybe not quite as bad as the others..."

"You're lucky though, you have a brother," Kefka said after a moment. Kuja looked at him doubtfully.

"I really don't see how that's lucky."

Kefka shrugged. "I was an only child."

Kuja considered this, getting back to her feet. "I have a brother but no parents..."

"You've got a creator."

"True... But what about _you_, Kefka? You had parents, didn't you?" Kuja wondered. Kefka shifted uncomfortably.

"I don't remember them," he said. "The infusion I got wiped most of my childhood memories..."

"Oh, I'm sure you at least know what happened to them," she persisted.

"Well.." Kefka hesitated.

"Come on, Keffy, you've met the closest thing _I_ have to family. You could at least tell me what you remember about yours."

He shuffled his feet. "Well.. okay..." Kefka looked at a burning column of flame as they started an aimless walk. "My dad was the lord of an estate give to him by the emperor. That's why I was able to get into the royal troops so easily."

"Where are they now?"

"My dad's in heaven, my mom's down here in hell," Kefka said quickly. "The emperor killed them off a little while after I got the infusion... They were both going to go to hell, but my mom took the blame for my father, so that he'd be able to get into heaven."

"The blame for what?"

A tiny frown crept across Kefka's lips. "For me. For being my parents."

"That's pretty harsh punishment just for being your parents," Kuja said in surprise. "They weren't responsible for what happened to you."

Kefka shrugged. "That's just the way things are. But my mom was a saint during life, she should've been the one to get into heaven."

"Do you ever see her?"

"I've visited her a few times," Kefka said. "She lives in a condo down by the lake of fire... quite a scenic location."

"Is she mad at you?"

He blinked. "What for?"

Kuja shrugged. "I dunno. Seems my relatives were none too pleased with my world-destroying habits."

Kefka smiled thinly. "My mom doesn't hold it against me. To her I'm still the innocent, ignorant little teenager I was when I went to join the royal military. She doesn't blame me for what I did."

"That's awfully nice of her."

He looked wistful for a moment. "Yeah, she was always nice."

"Hey, why don't you go pay her a visit?" Kuja suggested. "She might like to see you."

"Maybe..." Kefka absently twirled a finger in the tip of his ponytail. "It _has_ been a while..."

"I'll go with you, if you want," she offered. Kefka perked.

"Uwee! Really?"

"Sure. You've had to put up with Zidane, Garland, _and_ Azera. I should return the favor."

Kefka giggled. "Okay! We'll go visit my mom!" He took her by the arm and led her off in the direction of the lake of fire.

"Kefka, are you sure you're _not_ still the innocent, ignorant little teenager that your mother remembers?" Kuja laughed as she was nearly dragged by Kefka.

"Nonsense!" Kefka smiled brightly. "I'm neither innocent nor ignorant anymore! And I'm not a teenager either."

"How old were you when you died?" Kuja wondered.

"Let's see... um... thirty-something. I don't remember exactly." At Kuja's doubtful look he laughed. "Honest! The magitek stuff slowed my aging process down, so I don't look much older than I did when I first got the infusion."

"Hence your mother's general confusion."

"Maybe," he giggled. "You rhymed."

"How observant of you..."

:

It took a while to walk to where Kefka's mother lived, but neither really seemed to mind. Kefka hopped along with a strangely boyish enthusiasm, and Kuja watched on in amusement. (Author's note: If that had been a musical, there would have been some cheesy number right here...)

Their path eventually became blocked by a large gate. There was a guard manning the gate, and he glared down at the pair as they approached.

"None shall pass," the guard growled.

"Oh, come on Larry, let me in! I'm here to see my mom!" Kefka shouted up at the guard.

"None shall pass," the guard droned again.

"I wanna see my mom! Lady Palazzo! Now let me in!" Kefka hopped a few times. The guard pulled off his sunglasses and peered down at Kefka.

"Oh, it's you, Kefka. I thought some other nut was trying to get in."

"Very funny. I'm one of a kind!"

"And for that the universe is thankful," the guard snickered. "All right, just a second."

"What was that all about?" Kuja wondered as the guard disappeared.

"It's a very exclusive place to live," Kefka explained, taking her by the arm. "They don't let non-relatives in."

"Then what about me?"

"You're my guest," Kefka grinned.

"Oh..."

The guard appeared down at the foot of the gates. "Sorry about the confusion, Mr. Palazzo. Have a nice stay."

"No problem, Larry."

"Mr. Palazzo, eh? How upper-class."

"I know," Kefka scrunched his nose up. "Isn't it horrible?"

"Just dreadful," Kuja laughed.

Kefka looked around. "C'mon, this way!"

Kefka led the way up to the third floor of one of the condos.

"Mom lives in 213C," Kefka said chipperly.

"You seem awfully excited to see her," Kuja noted.

"Uwee hee hee," Kefka giggled, but didn't comment. He stopped in front of the door to 213C and rang the doorbell.

There was a pause, but eventually Kuja heard footsteps approaching on the other side of the door.

The door flew open, revealing an angry looking black-haired woman standing behind it.

"Get off the porch, you cad! I just swept!" the woman whacked Kefka over the head with a broom, ignoring Kuja.

"Ow! Ow! Stop it! _Mo-om_!!" Kefka covered his head, trying to defend himself.

"Is that my darling Keffy I hear?" another voice lilted from inside the doorway.

"Gah! Stoppit!" Kefka continued his ducking.

"You stupid little creep, how dare you come back here again and bug the Lady!" the black-haired woman stopped hitting him, but held the broom ready.

"She's my mother, I can bug her if I want!"

"Not while I'm here!"

"All right, Koura, you've had you fun, now leave Kefka alone," another woman said as she appeared. She was best described as a female version of Kefka. She was a bit shorter, but had the same blonde hair, pale skin, and freaky blue eyes. She was wearing a violet colored housecoat. Her eyes glimmered with a warped enthusiasm as she shooed the black haired woman away.

"I can't believe you still have her as a housekeeper, Mom," Kefka whined faintly, rubbing his forehead.

"She's your cousin, Keffy," Lady Palazzo said dismissively. "And she can clean. Why should I get rid of her?"

"'Cause she's mean to me!"

The Lady chuckled, pulling Kefka into a bear hug. "Aw, but she's just jealous that our side of the family is better looking."

Kefka sweatdropped. "Yeah."

"Oh, well, I shouldn't keep you standing outside! Come in, my dear boy, come in!"

"Uh, but Mom...." Kefka resisted his mother's tug on his arm.

"What is it, Kefka?" she blinked at him curiously.

"Uh... I brought a friend..." Kefka pointed at Kuja, who was partially hidden behind him.

Lady Palazzo pulled out a pair of delicate glasses and perched them on her nose. "Hm? Oh! So you did!" She looked at Kuja critically, apparently noticing her for the first time. "She can come in too."

"Thank you," Kuja said softly.

For living in a condo in hell, Lady Palazzo was fairly well off. Koura grumbled as she went off into the kitchen. Lady Palazzo led Kefka and Kuja to the sitting room, which happened to have a nice view of the lake of fire.

"Now, let's have a look at you," the Lady said, adjusting her glasses. Kefka gave an embarassed 'uwee', and turned to look out the window. Lady Palazzo circled around Kuja.

Kuja recognized the keen look the Lady was giving her. Kefka had used it on her many times when they first met.

"Ooh, a tail..." the Lady hummed to herself as she peered at the appendage. The tip of Kuja's tail had anxiously curled out from under her skirt. It ducked back into hiding when Lady Palazzo poked at it.

The Lady finally concluded her inspection of Kuja, and stood in front of her. She took her glasses off and put them away.

"Well, young lady, what's your story?" she pointed to a chair, and Kuja sat obediently.

"I...uh...sit at Kefka's table?" Kuja offered, unsure what else to say.

"Hmm..." Lady Palazzo peered at her thoughtfully. "The _real_ story."

Kuja blushed and glanced at Kefka's backside. He shrugged.

"Well... I...." Kuja looked at her hands. "I was an evil mass-murderer, blew up my home planet, tried to destroy all of existence, got killed, was sent to hell where I became a woman..." Kuja looked at Kefka again. "...I was sent to the same place where Kefka is condemned. I sat at his table--or at least, he let me because he thought I was _hot_. And that's about it."

"Much better," Lady Palazzo nodded. Kuja blinked. "So, are you his girlfriend or a stalking victim?"

Kuja blushed again.

"She's...something in between," Kefka said, finally turning away from the window.

"The girl has a tongue, she can speak for herself," Lady Palazzo snapped at her son. He made an apologetic noise and plunked himself into the chair adjacent to Kuja. "Well?"

".... voluntary stalking victim?" Kuja offered. Kefka giggled.

"Works for me," Lady Palazzo smiled. She turned her attention back to Kefka. "So what brings you here today?"

"I just wanted to see how you were," Kefka said. "After all, I haven't visited in a while."

"She guilted you into it, didn't she," the Lady said, indicating Kuja.

"A little bit."

Lady Palazzo smirked at Kuja. "Good work."

"Thank you..." Kuja tilted her head, flushing slightly. "Pardon me for asking, but do you have a bathroom?"

"Of course!" Lady Palazzo pointed down the hallway. "Third door on the right."

"Excuse me for a minute," Kuja said, hurrying off to the bathroom. Mother and son watched her depart.

"So what's wrong with her?" Koura's voice called from the other side of the room.

"There's nothing wrong with her!" Kefka said defensively.

"Oh please," Koura laughed. "If enough of the voices in your head could agree that they like her, then there _must_ be something wrong with her."

Kefka snorted in annoyance. "Nonsense. They _all_ agree."

"Like I said."

"There's nothing wrong with her!" Kefka pouted for a moment. "She's a lot nicer than you, at least."

"Very funny."

"Why don't you two grow up?" Lady Palazzo sighed.

"Yeah, why don't you quit picking on me?" Kefka said, hands on his hips.

"You _killed_ me, you feather-headed freak!" Koura hissed. "I'm going to pick on you for the rest of eternity!"

"Oh, that's right," he gave her a self-satisfied smirk. "I _did_ kill you."

"Now, now, it might have been an accident," Lady Palazzo said.

"He tied me up, had me tarred and feathered, and then fed my remains to his pet chocobos!!"

"I had to make sure she was _really_ dead," Kefka said. "But then, I did that to a lot of people."

"I hate being one of your sadistic statistics."

Kefka smirked. "Not like you can do anything about it now."

Koura reached for her broom. "I'm sure I'll think of something eventually."

"Uwee..." Kefka looked at the broom nervously. "I'm going to go see what's keeping Kuja so long."

Lady Palazzo looked on curiously as Kefka scurried off down the hall.

"Why does he get so nervous around brooms?"

"Bad experience when he was in the royal military," Koura smirked.

"Kuja-doll, are you okay?" Kefka adjusted his cloak as he arrived outside the bathroom door. It was cracked open, but no response came. "Kuja-doll?"

Still no response. He poked his head in the door. Kuja was standing at the sink, staring raptly in the mirror.

"Whatcha looking at?" Kefka wondered, looking between Kuja and her reflection.

Her voice was detached when she finally spoke. "I'd forgotten how much fun it was to just stare at myself in the mirror..."

"Hmm?" Kefka looked at her with an amused expression.

"It's hard to be a narcissist when you don't have mirrors around you," Kuja smirked, breaking her stare as she looked at him.

"That's what you've got me for," Kefka grinned. "And Sephiroth too, unfortunately."

"Who needs mirrors when you've got people to tell you that you look good, eh?" Kuja laughed, looking back at the mirror for a moment and running her fingers through her hair.

Kefka cringed as he heard Koura shouting something in the other room. "You want to go for a drink?"

She looked back at him. "I thought you don't drink."

He heard his name come up in whatever Koura was bitching about. "I feel like a drink all the sudden...."

----

_end chapter 15_


	16. Meanwhile

Disclaimers and Notes: Lets see. Square owns Final Fantasy, and its characters. Like the ones from FF4, FF5, FF6, FF7, and FF9 that I use in this chapter. Sue my butt and get nothin'. 'cause that's all I have.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 16: Meanwhile

Sephiroth glared over his shoulder at the guards that followed him as he trod through the cheerful streets of Fantasy Terminus. The place in heaven where all that was good in Final Fantasy went when it died.

He'd never seen so many moogles and chocobos in his life. Or afterlife. The place, on a whole, was somewhat nauseating.

Sephiroth continued down the main street, ignoring the curious looks from the people that watched him from the safety of anywhere that was more than ten feet away from him. He skulked along, a dark smudge amongst the cheery scenery.

"I wish I had my sword," he sighed to himself. He would've made mincemeat of the whole town in a matter of minutes. Of course, the security in heaven was fully aware of this, and held his sword back in customs.

He was starting to wish that Lucrecia didn't live on the far side of town. But oh well, it was still fun making some of the more skittish residents scatter with his mere presence.

"Not like I can do anything with dumb and dumber following me," Sephiroth grumbled and cast another glare back at the guards that had been assigned to follow him so that he didn't cause trouble. The angels glared back.

After some more walking, Sephiroth neared an outdoor cafe. There was a collection of people gathered around several tables that had been pushed together, talking and laughing.

And eating, Sephiroth noted with a pang in his stomach.

"Stupid munchie-less hell..."

There were three blonde men at the tables, along with two brunette women and a purple haired woman. Two green haired women were sitting at another table playing cards. Sephiroth recognized a few of the people and froze in his tracks.

"Aw, shit..." Sephiroth muttered, looking for another way. There was none. "Just my frikking luck..."

The people at the table had stopped talking and had turned to look at him curiously.

"Who's that?" Edgar wondered.

"Ar, I dunna know," Faris said with a shrug.

Garnet squinted at Sephiroth. "Hey, isn't that..."

"Sephiroth! Hey!" Zidane jumped out of his seat and hopped over to the black-clad villain. "How's my sister?"

Sephiroth blinked, looking away from the table. "Your sister?" He noted the excited crème-colored tail waving behind Zidane. "Oh, that's right. You're Kuja's brother."

"Yup."

"She's doing all right, I guess..." Sephiroth cringed as he noted another of the blondes at the table get up.

"Something wrong?" Zidane wondered.

"H-hide me..." Sephiroth took a step back, a silver eyebrow twitching anxiously.

"Huh?" Zidane turned to see what was making the villain so upset.

"You creep! What do you think you're doing up here?!" Cloud knocked the genome aside as he stomped up to Sephiroth.

"Gee, I think you've gotten friendlier," Sephiroth said dryly.

"Answer my question!" Cloud punched Sephiroth in the stomach.

"And stronger," Sephiroth winced, unhurt.

"Cloud, just leave him alone! He can't do anything here!" Tifa called from the table.

"Why don't you just go back to hell with all the other worthless evil souls!"

"Hey, my sister's down there!" Zidane snapped defensively, getting back to his feet.

"I thought you hate your sister, Zidane," Cloud said, turning away from Sephiroth for a moment.

"I..." Zidane hesitated, brushing off his vest as he looked at Garnet. She shrugged. "I never said that. I may not really be too fond of her, but I don't hate her!"

"Anymore, at least," Garnet piped in.

"It's not Kuja's fault that she was evil, that's just what happened," Zidane said. "And from what you've told me, the same's true for Sephiroth. Neither of them could control how they were created. So just leave 'em alone!"

Cloud turned back to glare at Sephiroth. "It's not the circumstances of birth that matter, it's what you do with the life that counts!" He pointed at Sephiroth. "And you wasted your life!"

"Death is turning out a lot better," Sephiroth said with a shrug.

"Ay, he does have a point there, Cloud," Faris said, hiccupping.

"No one asked the drunk-cross dressing-pirate's opinion," Cloud said over his shoulder. Faris harrumphed and took a sip of her drink.

"I still say 'ee's a jerk," Faris said to Tifa.

"He has his moments," Tifa sighed.

"We could have both turned out bad just like them," Zidane said. "But they did instead. You can't hold it against them."

"You really are a sap, Zidane," Sephiroth smirked. The blonde grinned.

"Yeah, I know."

"I don't care what anyone says, I still don't have to like you," Cloud said, turning away and stalking off down the street.

Sephiroth scratched his head curiously as he watched the spikey-haired man enter a flower shop. "Someone sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed this millennium."

"He's been grumpy lately," Tifa said with a sigh. "How he got into heaven with a grudge like that is beyond me."

Zidane waved his tail cheerfully. "You want to have a drink with us, Sephiroth?"

"Uh, well..." Sephiroth looked back at the angel guards, who shrugged. "Sure, I guess so."

Sephiroth sat between Tifa and Faris at the table. The pirate looked at him curiously.

"Yer a tall fellow, aren'tcha?"

He smirked for a moment. "You should see my sword."

Faris considered this, then burst out laughing.

"She's had a bit too much to drink," Garnet said apologetically.

"Arrr..."

"So I see," Sephiroth said, sweatdropping.

"So what are you doing here anyways, Sephiroth?" Tifa wondered.

"I was gonna visit my mother," Sephiroth said, accepting the drink that Zidane set on the table. "But it's an awfully long walk."

"You mean Lucrecia?" Edgar wondered. Sephiroth nodded.

"How did you know?"

"Cloud likes to bitch," Tifa said with a faint sigh. "He really doesn't like you, Sephiroth."

"I don't know _why_," Sephiroth said in a slightly sarcastic tone.

"Probably for the same reason I still don't like Kefka."

"Or why I don't like Kuja," Garnet said.

"You leave Kuja out of this," Sephiroth grumbled defensively. "Hey, can I have another drink?"

"Sure."

"Hey, how did you get a Bahamut card?" one of the green-haired women snapped from where they were playing cards.

"I've always had it," the other green haired woman said.

"You've never used it before," Rydia said.

"Because I don't want to lose it!" Terra hissed back.

"All those darn arrows, how are you going to lose it?"

The drinking party looked over at the women.

"What're they doing?" Sephiroth wondered as he was brought another drink.

"Playing Tetra Master," Edgar shrugged. "That's all they seem to do anymore."

"Terra's trying to win back her 'Save the Queen' card from Rydia," Garnet whispered with a smirk.

"Oh, I see," Sephiroth said, although he didn't.

:

Several drinks later...

"So what does Kefka do now?" Edgar wondered, leaning on the table. Faris was passed out in his lap.

"Not much, moshtly," Sephiroth said, his voice somewhat slurred. "He tries to shteal Kuja from me. Or I try to shteal her from him. Shumthing like that..."

"You two really seem to like her," Garnet said.

"Yeup..." Sephiroth smiled faintly. "Ish more fun to drink with her than you guys. She knows better drinking games."

"What a honorable comparison," Edgar said dryly.

"Yeah, I think so too," the silver haired villain smiled again.

Zidane looked keenly at Sephiroth. "You know, most people look for love when they're _alive_."

Sephiroth shrugged. "Well... I was busy while I was alive, now wasn't I?"

"I guess so." Zidane watched as Sephiroth continued to drink. "But why Kuja?"

"She's priitty," the villain hiccupped. "An' she's niiiice..."

"Must be a villain thing," Zidane said, sweatdropping.

"Maybe," Sephiroth said, humming thoughtfully for a moment. "You gonna finish that?"

"I..uh... I thought you were going to go visit your mother."

Sephiroth scrunched up him nose. "I was, wasn't I?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think I'm gonna now," Sephiroth said, scratching his chin.

"Why not?"

"I shouldn't visit her when ineb...immebe....drunk."

"Probably not."

"Sir, if you don't continue to plan on visiting your mother, then we're going to have to return you to where you came from," one of the angel guards said.

"I'd fergotten about you ash-holes," Sephiroth muttered, glancing over his shoulder. "How much more time do I have left before I have to go back if I _did_ visit my mommy?"

"About an hour."

"Then let me shtay here," he said, turning back to the table.

"I'm afraid we can't--"

"Let me shtay here!!" Sephiroth snapped, pounding a fist on the table. Faris snorted at the noise and lifted her head.

"Ey....whas goin' on?"

"Don't worry about it," Edgar said, patting her on the back of the head. "Go back to sleep."

"Riight...." Faris passed out again, her head returning to Edgar's lap. He smirked.

The guards eyed the other occupants of the table. "Well..."

"Let him staaay!" Zidane said, pouting. "We're trying to help him with his girl problems."

"Lemme shtay..."

"Yeah, we're trying to help make him a better member of society," Tifa said. Sephiroth hiccupped.

The guards looked at them doubtfully. "An hour, then he has to go back."

"Thank yoooou!"

"So ya'll are gonna help me figure out how to get Kuja to like me better than Kefka?" Sephiroth said, leaning on the table.

"Shure!" Zidane grinned. "We'll figure something out...."

"That's rilly nice of you guysh..." Sephiroth hiccupped again.

"You want another drink?" Zidane offered.

"Shuuuure.... I've got an hour..."

-----

_end chapter 16_


	17. A Few Drinks Later

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 17: A Few Drinks Later

"You know what I really hate?" Kefka said, his voice wobbling despite having drunk a fairly small amount of alcohol.

"What's that?" Kuja said.

"Moogles."

"Moogles?" Kuja blinked at him curiously. "I've never seen anything wrong with them."

"They're nasty little buggers," Kefka said, scowling for a moment.

"Got attacked by one, eh?" she grinned, taking another gulp of her drink.

"Yeup..."

"The ones on Gaia weren't that bad," Kuja said thoughtfully. "The 'kupo'-ing got annoying after awhile, but they weren't really the attacking kind."

"The moogles on my planet....danced," Kefka said, scrunching his nose up.

"Eeew, dancing moogles?"

"Yeah.... they were fun to hunt though," Kefka said with a smirk. He wiggled his fingers at her. "They can dance, but they can't run from an well-armed maniac."

"Moogle flambe..."

Kefka giggled. "Almost as good as a barbecued chocobo, uwee hee!"

"Mmm, you know what goes really good on barbecued chocobo?"

"What's that?"

"Honey mustard," Kuja said, nodding sharply. She hiccupped. "Yup."

"Hmm... you know what I'd like to do with some honey mustard?"

Kuja brought the glass to her lips again, casting a slightly suspicious glance at him. "What?"

Kefka leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She blushed.

"Kefka!"

"Uwee hee hee!"

"That's...disgusting! I think..." Kuja considered it again and shook her head. "Besides, you'd need a lot of honey mustard to do that."

"I know," Kefka said with a shrug. "But I still think it'd be fun to try."

"Sephiroth wouldn't let you," she said with a smirk. Kefka snorted and leaned on the counter.

"You like to bring him up, don't you?"

"Maybe."

Kefka glared at the countertop. "Every time I'm having a good time hitting on you, you have to go and bring up that stupid sword toting jack-ass..."

"His name is Sephiroth," Kuja said, not noticing the flush on Kefka's cheeks. "And I happen to like his sword."

"What about _me_?" Kefka said, somewhere between snapping and whining.

"You don't carry a sword."

"I know _that_," Kefka grumbled.

Kuja looked faintly thoughtful. "Your name is Kefka."

"At least you know that much."

"And your mother's name was Rosalynn," she said, finishing her drink with a flourish. Kefka looked at her in mild surprise.

"How'd you know that?"

"She told me," Kuja said.

"The hell she did," Kefka laughed. "She didn't tell me what her name was until I was almost 19."

"Well... might've been a lucky guess."

"Sounds a bit more plausible..." Kefka sat up. He looked at Kuja, who seemed to be considering what her next drink order was going to be.

Kuja was only dimly aware of how close Kefka was leaning when he finally spoke.

"What would you do if I kissed you right now?" Kefka asked.

"Probably slug you," Kuja said, smirking faintly. "Why?"

He smiled. "Just wondering..."

After a moment it keyed in that Kefka's face was hovering only a few inches from hers. "Oh..."

A pause. Then:

"There you guysh are!" A familiar, intoxicated voice crowed behind them. Kuja blushed, turning away quickly. Kefka cringed and cursed, mostly under his breath. "I figured I'd find you two here."

"Hello, Sephiroth," Kuja said, motioning for the bartender.

"Hi there, Kuja." Sephiroth made a threatening motion toward the person sitting at the next stool. They quickly fled, and Sephiroth took the seat.

"I suddenly feel ill," Kefka muttered, leaning on the counter again.

"What'll it be?" the bartender asked.

"Another Bloody Moogle," Kuja said, nudging her glass across the countertop.

"Shumthing blue and with a little umbrella," Sephiroth said with a hiccup.

"Something to put me out of my misery," Kefka sighed. The bartender nodded and departed.

"You already look like you've had a bit to drink," Kuja said, watching as Sephiroth swayed a bit. He used his sword for support.

"A little bit," he nodded in agreement. "The alcohol'sh better in heaven."

"So you visited your mommy?" Kefka asked with a faint sneer.

"Nope, never got that far."

"We visited my...uh...bitchy ancestor," Kuja said. "And then we visited Keffy's mom."

"That explains how you ended up here," Sephiroth said. "Meow x17 shaid you went to visit shumone."

The bartender returned with their drinks. "Here you all go. A Bloody Moogle, a blue drink with an umbrella, and a Figaro Shotgun-in-the-Mouth special."

Kefka looked at the glass of dark green liquid curiously. Then, with a slight shrug he downed the entire contents of the glass. With a faint convulsion he asked: "What the fuck was in that?"

"Something in an unmarked bottle, a little bit of vodka, a little bit of rum, some tequila, a little more vodka, a pinch of garlic, some blue food coloring, and some liquid drain cleaner."

Kefka gagged, leaning against the counter. "Then I suppose it's better that I'm already deeeead..."

Sephiroth hiccupped as he twirled the drink umbrella between his fingers. "Idiot."

"Poor Keffy," Kuja sighed, taking a sip of her Bloody Moogle.

Kefka turned and looked at Kuja blearily. Then he looked at Sephiroth. "Mm, the spotsss aren't big enough to coveerrr him..." He turned back to the bartender. "Can I have another ooonne? With a bit more garlic this tiiime..."

"Sure thing."

"Maybe you shouldn't," Kuja said, watching as Kefka clutched the counter for dear life. (Or death....whichever.)

"I'm fiiiine." He convulsed again, his left eye ticking repeatedly.

"Sho much for not drinking," Sephiroth snickered.

"I'll drink if I damn welllll want to," Kefka said. The bartender returned with another drink. "Frank you."

"Let him drink," Sephiroth said. Kuja sighed. The bishounen took a sip of his drink. "Thish ish good blue shtuff."

Kefka took a gulp of the green liquid and shuddered. "Frigging fish."

"I shaw your little brother when I wassh up there," Sephiroth said to Kuja. "He'sh a chipper little bugger."

"You were drinking with him, weren't you."

"Uh huh," he nodded.

"Murgle..." Kefka took another gulp of his drink.

"Oh, that reminds me..." Sephiroth leaned back, feeling around in the pockets of his coat. "Zidane gave me shumthing to give you."

"Really?" Kuja perked a bit. "That's...odd."

"He told me not to read it, sho I didn't," Sephiroth said, fishing a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. "There you go."

"Thank you." Kuja unflolded the piece of paper and read it.

"Zidane has funny handwriting," Sephiroth said, leaning so he could see the note's contents. "It'sh all blurry."

She laughed and swatted him away. "That's because yer drunk, you snoop."

"That'sh a pretty good reashun," the silver haired man hiccupped. "What'sh it shay?"

"None of yer drunken business," Kuja said with a smirk.

"Darn." Sephiroth watched as Kuja tucked the note under her skirt. "You know, I could have done that for you."

"Always looking for a free excuse to grope, aren't you?"

"I didn't know I had to pay," Sephiroth said with a grin.

"I'm thinking about starting to charge you guys a toll," Kuja giggled. She turned slightly. "How about that, Keffy?"

"Mraoo..."

Kefka had finished most of the contents of the glass. A small glimmer of green had dribbled onto his chin, and he was staring vacantly at a spot on the counter. Kuja snickered.

"I think you've had enough..." She reached over and wiped the green spot from his chin. After a moment of curious consideration, she licked the green substance from her finger. "Blaggh! How the hell can you drink that, Kefka?"

"Verrry carefully," Kefka whispered, blinking slowly.

"At leasht you don't have to worry about any brain damage," Sephiroth snickered into his glass. Kuja giggled again and patted Kefka on the shoulder.

"Poor widdle Keffy, do you think you're gonna be able to walk back to the room?"

"Not voluntarily," Kefka said with a faint wheeze.

"I could beat shum senssse back into him," Sephiroth offered.

"You're just as drunk as he is," Kuja said with a laugh.

"I can walk, 'cuz I have a shword!" he hiccupped. "Beshides, I can shtill kick hish ash..."

"You wiiiish," Kefka said, sneering at Sephiroth again.

"Now boys, behave," Kuja laughed.

"My feet feel kinda nummmb," Kefka muttered, looking down.

"Maybe your shoesh are too tight," Sephiroth snickered.

"I'm wearing shoes?" he looked mildly surprised. "Wow."

"I could cut yer feet off..." Sephiroth said, wobbling the sword a bit.

"I neeeeed my feet!" Kefka snapped.

"Fer what?"

"Umm..." he looked at Kuja. "What do I need my feet for?"

"To keep your shoes on," she said with a shrug.

"Yeah! To keep my shoes on," Kefka nodded in agreement.

"I shtill might cut them off..." Sephiroth muttered. He finished his drink and burped daintily.

"Maybe you two should take a break before you try walking back," Kuja suggested.

"We can walk baaack just fine," Kefka said.

"You just told me you couldn't feel your feet."

"I don't need my feet to walk back!"

She blinked. "You don't?"

"No!" Kefka hiccupped. "I can float."

"Well, don't bump into anything that might try to eat your soul," Kuja said, patting him on the shoulder again before pushing her chair back.

"Where're you going?" Sephiroth said, picking his head up off the counter.

"Don't worry, I'll meet you two back at our table," she said with a smile. Kuja hopped off her stool, pausing for a moment while she regained her balance.

"Awright..."

"Thish ish your fault," Sephiroth hissed at Kefka once Kuja had departed.

"_My_ fault? I don't thiiiink so!"

"I'm gonna kick yer ash," the bishounen fumbled on the grip of his sword. Kefka laughed mockingly.

"Oh yeah?" he said, fluffing himself up a bit. "Bring it on, sword-boy!"

"Ash shoon ash I figgure out where that chirping noish ish coming from..."

-----

_end chapter 17_


	18. Between Heaven and Hell

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before! (Sorry if this drifts off the humor bend for a bit. My bad. ; "Rayle" is actually a little town in Georgia that me and my mom drove through. She thought it would make a good name for a girl. Khee hee...)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 18: Between Heaven and Hell

"Is there anywhere between heaven and hell that we can go to talk?"

Perhaps Zidane wasn't the best person in the afterlife to ask about this. But he was the only person she felt that she _could_ talk to without being mocked. Openly mocked, at least.

He smiled brightly, frantic crème colored tail betraying his true emotions. "I think I can think of a place."

Zidane managed to convince the guards that he could be trusted with guarding Kuja for a little while. He _was_ a hero, after all. Villains could be trusted in the care of heroes, right?

The guards were dumb enough to agree with the tail-boy's simple logic.

"Okay, you can open your eyes now," Zidane's amused voice prompted her.

Kuja opened her eyes. She was laying on her back, staring up into darkness. Zidane was sitting next to her.

"What the--where are we?"

"I had to bring you through the last place you were when you died," Zidane said with a shrug. He got to his feet.

Kuja sat up, brushing herself off. "...the Iifa Tree? We're back on Gaia?"

"Sort of," he grinned.

Kuja looked between her feet. A large root had slammed through the ground there. Kuja sweatdropped. "Not the _exact_ location, I assume?"

Zidane looked at the root, then at his sister, and shrugged with a grin. "Something like that."

He pointed up a spot of light overhead as Kuja got to her feet. "Up there."

"We have to _climb_?"

"Oh, it's not that far," Zidane laughed, hopping to a near-by root. "Come on!"

"This is ridiculous," Kuja muttered as she jumped after him.

"Girls..." Zidane sighed and shook his head.

"Hey! I resent that!"

"You resemble that."

"I bet I could beat you to that hole," Kuja said, hands on her hips.

"You're on!"

It was close, but Kuja _did_ manage to climb through the hole just before Zidane. Her little brother flopped onto the branch that they had climbed out onto, out of breath.

"I didn't think you were that fast," Zidane wheezed.

"You don't think _much_, Zidane," Kuja smirked, looking around curiously. "I ran from Bahamut, remember?"

"Yeah, back then I was hoping that he'd barbecue you."

"And now?"

Zidane shrugged. "Still would have been interesting."

"How heartwarming."

"I thought so..." Zidane got to his feet. "Come on, this way."

Zidane led Kuja up and around several more of the large branches of the Iifa Tree. It was a lot greener than she remembered, but that was probably just natural. Or Nature.

Finally Zidane stopped on a high branch and sat down. "Here's good."

Kuja sat next to him, looking down. "Why here?"

"No real reason," Zidane said, smiling faintly. "Although it has a really nice view."

"Of what?"

Zidane pointed down toward the base of the Tree, which was easily visible from where they were seated. A small figure was making its way along the base.

"Who's that?" Kuja squinted, but she couldn't make the figure out any better.

"Rayle Tribal," Zidane said with a smirk. Kuja sweatdropped.

"Let me guess...."

"One of my descendents," Zidane grinned with a nod. "Well, one of Mikoto's, actually."

"She seems to be ascending at the moment," Kuja noted.

"Yeah, she comes up here once in a while."

"Why?"

"To talk to me," Zidane grinned again.

"To you? Why you? You're dead."

"She likes to try to communicate with the spirits of her ancestors," Zidane said, wiggling his fingers. Kuja looked toward the horizon and noted a small village there.

"Zidane, _when_ are we?"

"How very observant of you," he said with a laugh. "Well, this is a few millennia ago. But...about 500 years after you died."

"Why now?"

Zidane shrugged. "Just because."

"Right."

"Now..." he took his gaze away from the slowing climbing figure of the girl. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Well... Sephiroth delivered your note," she said.

"Oh really? Did he read it?"

"No, he was a little too drunk to manage," Kuja laughed. "Of course, _I_ could barely read it. Your handwriting's terrible, Zidane!"

"I was a little drunk at the time," he grinned.

"Excuses, excuses," she said, waving a hand dismissively. "Anyhow, I came up here to talk to you about my little problem."

"I'm sure Kefka and Sephiroth would love to hear you refer to them in that fashion."

"They'd love to hear me refer to them in any fashion."

Zidane laughed. "So what's the problem?"

She hesitated, looking thoughtlessly across the expanse of the Iifa Tree for a moment. "I don't know which one to chose."

"That _can_ be a problem," Zidane agreed.

"I mean, I feel like I'm actually starting to really like them... but I feel like I have to chose one over the other."

"And you want me to help you chose?"

"Sort of.... I mean, I guess I could use some help."

Zidane hummed to himself. "Well, Sephiroth seems to like you," he said after a moment.

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm." A faint nod. "And I haven't had the dubious honor of chatting with Kefka, but based on what Edgar tells me, he's a complete nutjob."

"Edgar or Kefka?"

Zidane laughed. "Kefka... since he's crazy, he probably likes you too."

"Very funny." Kuja sighed "I know that they both are interested in me. And their affections seem...real enough, although I'm not totally sure what they're focused _on_..."

"You used to be a guy, what do you _think_ they're focused on?"

Kuja flushed, looking down at her chest. "I have a slight idea."

"Do you think that's all of it?"

She looked back up, studying Zidane out of the corner of her eye. "Perhaps. Maybe. With them I'm not totally sure."

Zidane swished his tail thoughtfully. "I'm afraid I'm not too good at helping out with this kind of thing."

Kuja laughed. "I could always ask Garnet."

Zidane made a face. "It's probably better that you came to me for this, in that case."

"I thought you'd think so."

He smiled. "Umm... well... let's see." Zidane's tail continued to curl.

"Don't think too hard, you might sprain your tail."

"Ha ha." Zidane tilted his head. "Well, um... tell me the first thing you remember about each of them."

"You mean like how I met them?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I met Sephiroth first," Kuja said. "He was drunk, had an Alexandrian soldier on his arm, and was telling people that he had a sword."

"Sounds...interesting."

"Was a bit unnerving," Kuja smiled, shrugging. "Kefka was equally...odd."

"He does look pretty weird."

"He didn't _do_ anything to freak me out," she laughed. "That's just his natural presence."

"So you can't rule either out based on the 'do they scare the figs out of me?' criteria."

"I didn't know that that was a criteria..."

"I think it is." Zidane hummed again. "Well, what do you like best about both of them?"

Kuja caught a loose strand of silver-violet hair and twirled it around her finger thoughtfully. "Well, let's see..."

"Maybe I shouldn't have asked just a difficult question."

She smirked. "It's not that hard." After laughing a bit to herself, Kuja cleared her throat. "My favorite thing about Sephiroth would have to be his...presence."

"Presence?"

"Yes, you know, the way he carries himself. And his looks," she smiled, continuing to twirl the lock of hair around her finger. "Yes...hee hee..." She started off vacantly for a moment, until Zidane cleared his throat. "Oh? Right..." She giggled.

"Perversion is still a trait of the genomes, I see," Zidane smirked. Kuja giggled again.

"It sneaks up once in a while," she said. "And let's see... my favorite thing about Kefka would have to be his enthusiasm."

Zidane blinked. "Enthusiasm?"

"Yes, he's quite energetic," Kuja said. "Even if it is a bit unnerving at times." She shrugged, pulling her finger from her hair. "He tries."

"So you like Sephiroth for his presence and Kefka for his personality."

"Yes, something like that."

"Too bad you can't just combine the two of them," Zidane said with a laugh. "Then you'd have the perfect guy."

"Ah, my silly little brother," Kuja shook her head. "The perfect man already existed."

"Really?"

"Yes," she smirked. "But now I'm a woman."

Zidane sweatdropped. "It hasn't hurt your ego any, now has it."

"Nope." Kuja flourished her arms and posed a bit, despite being seated. "How an ugly old coot like Garland ever managed to create something so beautiful and wonderful is beyond me."

"And what about me?"

She shrugged, lowering her arms. "What about you?"

"You really haven't changed."

"No, not...not that much." Kuja laughed bitterly and shook her head. "Mm, no..."

They lapsed into silence. After a few minutes Kuja leaned and peered down into the Iifa Tree.

She looked down at Rayle. "You must come here a lot, if she's expecting you."

"Frequently enough, I guess," Zidane said, following her gaze. "You know, she's in a bit of the same jam as you are."

"How's that?"

"Rayle's trying to decide between two men. I'm betting she chooses the nice one, even though he isn't that bright."

"You're biased," Kuja smirked. "So...which one does she chose?"

Zidane shrugged. "Don't know."

"But this is in the past, can't you just look and find out?"

"Sure I could," Zidane smiled. "But I don't want to jump ahead in the story."

"You're strange."

"It runs in the family."

Kuja sighed. "I suppose that her case is a bit like mine. But I'm trying to chose the better of two evils, it would seem."

"Well... you seem to like both of them. Don't you have the option of not choosing?"

Kuja blinked slowly. "I suppose. But I don't think it would be fair to them."

"When have you ever been fair?"

She smirked. "You may have a point... but still, I feel like I should choose one."

Zidane scratched his head thoughtfully. "Well...um... which one is more like what you would have looked for in a person while you were alive?"

The smirk lingered. "Sephiroth. He looks more like a woman."

"Verrrry funny."

"Well... I don't know what I looked for in a person while I was alive," Kuja said. "I didn't spend much time looking for people. Other than myself."

"You were the only person you ever really loved, eh?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Something like that."

"I suppose you'll have to try things differently now that you're dead."

Kuja laughed. "It's odd though... since I've been dead, I've developed a great sympathy toward all the women I hit on while I was alive."

"I'm _supposed_ to feel bad about being such a tail-chaser when I was younger," Zidane said. "But...well..." He shrugged.

"Old habits die hard."

"Pretty much." Zidane grinned. "After all, me and Garnet _did_ have five kids."

Kuja's eye twitched. "_Five_?"

"Yup."

"Lucky sonnavabitch," Kuja sighed. "Now I remember why I hate you."

Zidane laughed. "You're just jealous that I got to peg Garnet."

"Uh-huh."

"You know what'll make you even more jealous?"

She sweatdropped. "What's that?"

"I'm still pegging her."

"Gaaaah!!" Kuja jumped to her feet. "Quit reminding me about that, you little _tail_!"

Zidane hopped to his feet as well, tail waving eagerly. "Oooh yeah, she really likes it!"

She tackled him, nearly knocking the both of them off the branch. "Shut up shut up shut up!!"

:

Rayle Tribal hummed as she climbed the Iifa Tree. She always liked climbing the tree. The climb never failed to relax her. She got the feeling that things were always at peace on the big old tree.

"Huh?" she blinked curiously, brushing a blonde feather from her eyes as she squinted up at the higher branches of the tree. Her tail twitched. "That's odd..."

She could have _sworn_ she heard a taunting laugh float down from one of the highest branches....

----

_end chapter 18_


	19. Throwing Angels

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. Mmmyup.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 19: Throwing Angels

Kuja was surprised to find Kefka waiting for her when she got off the transport back from heaven. He hopped a bit upon spotting her, having apparently regained the ability to walk while she was gone.

"Kuja-doll! There you are!" Kefka intercepted Kuja before she'd gotten far from the 'Arrivals' platform.

"What are you doing here, Kefka?" she wondered.

"Waiting for you," he grinned. "I figured you'd have to come through here eventually..."

"How did you know I went up?"

He shrugged. "I asked the demon over at Departures if any lovely girls with purple hair had come through recently."

"And?"

Kefka pursed his lips. "He said 'None'." Kuja blinked. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose."

"Perhaps..."

"But then I stuck around anyway because you never went back to the table," Kefka said with a smirk. "I guessed that you went off to visit...someone."

"Well, aren't you a smart one?" Kuja laughed.

"So where did you go, huh?" Kefka asked, hopping a bit as they walked.

"I went to talk to Zidane," she said with a mild shrug.

"Zidaaane? Why would you want to go talk to that goody-goody?"

"I had my reasons," Kuja said. Kefka snorted lightly, but didn't say anything else on the subject.

"Well, I'm glad you came back," he said with a giggle. "I was getting bored."

"You of all people should've been able to find a way to entertain yourself," Kuja smirked.

"Ah, yes, but it's more fun to entertain myself when you're around," Kefka grinned. She arched a brow.

"I'm not going to ask..."

"Uwee hee hee..."

She glanced at him, still smirking. "So where's Sephiroth?"

Kefka scrunched up his nose. "He was back at the table last time I saw him."

Kuja chuckled at Kefka's annoyance.

"Stupid sword-toting bishounen," Kefka grumbled under his breath.

"Now, now, that's not a nice thing to say."

"I could think of worse things to say about him," Kefka snorted.

She gave his ponytail a light tug. "Poor disgruntled Keffy."

"Part of the problem with being dead is that I can't kill him to get rid of him."

Kuja snickered. "I'm sure he'd say the same for you."

"I know! That cad is always trying to upstage me!"

"He's already taller than you, better built than you, and better looking than you," Kuja said. "What the hell else could he do to try to upstage you?"

Kefka's brow ticked in annoyance. "Oh, I'm sure he could think of something."

"You're just jealous."

"Of course I am!" Kefka stomped his foot in mid-step, but continued walking. "I don't see why you like him better than me!"

She smirked at this.

"Besides, he's got the personality of a goldfish."

"Just a very cute goldfish," Kuja quipped. Kefka flushed.

"Can we talk about something other than him?!" He held up a finger before she said anything. "_Or_ his sword."

"Darn, there goes the next topic."

"Why don't you tell me what you did while up in heaven?" Kefka said.

"Like I told you, I went to talk to Zidane."

"Now what could he possibly have to say that would interest you?"

She stuck her tongue out at him briefly. "I was talking to him about you and Sephiroth."

Kefka perked. "Oh reeealllly?" He leaned toward her with a giggle. "What about us?"

"How terribly and relentlessly annoying you are," Kuja said with a smirk.

"Very funny!"

"Well, what would you expect me to say about you?"

"Oh, I dunno, maybe how charming and wonderful I am..." He hopped again in midstep. "Ooh! And what a snappy dresser I am!"

Kuja sweatdropped. "Are you still hungover?"

"Not at all, uwee hee!"

"Then you must just naturally suffer from delusions of grandeur," she smirked.

"I don't suffer, I enjoy them greatly!" Kefka giggled. "Why bother aiming low?"

"Depends on what you're trying to hit."

He flushed. "You wouldn't."

"I might, if you keep trying to grope me like that."

"Uwee hee..." Kefka gave her a pinch in the side. "I'll have to keep that in mind."

"Gah!" she laughed and swatted him away. "Stop that, Kefka!"

"Oooh, or what?"

"I'll...I'll..." She huffed a bit. "I don't know what I'll do, but you won't like it!"

"That sounds quite enticing.."

Kuja rolled her eyes. "You're hopeless."

"I can't be completely hopeless," Kefka said with a grin. "After all, I've still got you!"

She blinked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kefka merely giggled in response. Kuja snorted and shook her head.

They were passing the lava pits on Wretched Souls Blvd. when Kefka stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

He tilted his head, looking around. "I'm not totally sure, but..."

There was a loud, angry roar behind them. Kefka paled even more than usual.

"Th-that would be what's wrong," he said. Kuja sweatdropped.

They turned to see a huge ugly black demon towering behind them.

"_I've been looking for you_," the demon growled. Kuja and Kefka blinked.

"Flaure?!" Kuja balked. "But I thought--"

"_You fools! I know how to get out of my own bottles!!_"

"You know, I think she's gotten taller," Kefka said under his breath.

"So what do you want with us?" Kuja shouted. "We beat you, so get over it!"

"_I don't like losing_," Flaure growled.

"I don't think anyone does," Kefka snickered. Flaure fixed her glare on him.

"_So now I'm going to correct the error made at the end of the last round..._" A clawed hand quickly reached forward and picked Kefka up by the front of his shirt.

"Gaaah! Hey, put me down!" Kefka struggled, but the demon had a firm grip on him.

"Put Kefka down!" Kuja shouted angrily.

Flaure sneered down at Kuja. "_If you insist_." She effortlessly threw Kefka over the edge of the nearest lava pit.

"I didn't mean like that!"

"_Oh, you should've been more specific_," Flaure snarled as she reached for Kuja. She managed to duck away, but Flaure swung her hand back and knocked Kuja to the ground.

Kuja cursed loudly. Flaure grabbed her as she tried to get back to her feet.

"I am so going to kick your ass," Kuja growled.

"_Oh, I don't think so_," Flaure said, giving her a shake.

"You bitch!"

"_Takes one to know one, freak_," the demon said, giving Kuja another shake. "_And now you get to join your little clown friend in the pits_." She threw Kuja in the same direction as Kefka had went. "_Have a nice swim!_"

Kuja grabbed at the edge of the pit in vain as she fell. She squeezed her eyes again. "Not again!"

There was a long moment of falling before she stopped.

Her eyes opened in surprise as she felt someone catch her. She looked up to find Kefka grinning at her, his face surrounded by a mass of golden feathers.

"Kefka?!"

"Sssh," he shook his head and clamped a hand over her mouth. She nodded, and he removed his hand to point up.

They both looked up, seeing the ugly snout of Flaure peering over the edge of the pit. Kefka hovered underneath a small ledge, hoping to be less visible.

After a long moment, they heard a mocking and victorious roar from above, and the sound of the soul-collector stomping away.

They remained quiet for another long moment, until Kefka seemed satisfied that Flaure had really departed. He gave a relieved sigh and pushed away from the wall. Kuja tilted her head back and looked at him curiously, taking in the strange sight of the four expansive wings on Kefka's back.

"When did you get wings?" she wondered.

"I've always had them here," Kefka giggled, smiling wryly. "I had them when I died, so now I'm stuck with them for eternity."

"But... where are they usually?"

"Under my cloak," he grinned. He pointed to the cloak, which was currently hanging down his back along the junction of his wings.

"Wow..." Kuja tilted her head. "How do you fit all that wing under there?"

They reached the edge of the pit, and Kefka landed lightly. "Very carefully." He set Kuja down, and she stepped back.

"Well, they're very...ah...impressive."

"Uwee hee!" Kefka wiggled the small pair of wings behind his head. "I'm glad you think so." He reached behind his neck and pulled his cloak up, wings mysteriously disappearing as he returned the cloak to its usual position.

Kuja leaned around him, poking his back curiously. "So where are they now?"

"Oh, they're still there," he giggled. "Just very well hidden."

"I see...or rather I don't." She stepped back and grinned.

"We should be okay for now," Kefka said, looking around the area. "Flaure probably thinks that we're taking a long lava bath, so we shouldn't have to worry about her again for awhile."

"That's good to hear," she said, scratching her ear thoughtfully. "Thanks for catching me, Kefka. I wasn't too keen on falling into a lava pit again."

He grinned. "No need to thank me, Kuja-doll. I was already down there anyways..."

His words faded into muted surprise as Kuja leaned forward and left a soft kiss on his lips. She stepped back, giving him a lopsided smile.

"Thank you," she said again.

Kefka blinked in surprise, a blush tingeing his pale cheeks as he watched Kuja turn away and scan the area.

"Why do I get the impression that you only kiss people as a way of thanking them for saving your tail?"

She smiled faintly, glancing at him over her shoulder. "It's a place to start."

He tilted his head curiously. "Start what?"

Kuja shrugged mildly. "We should be getting back."

"Aw, c'mon, tell me!" Kefka hopped after her. "You don't go and kiss a guy and then start talking all cryptic and stuff!"

She laughed, looking at him as he caught up. "You're persistent, Kefka. You'll figure it out sooner or later."

"And what's that supposed to mean?!" Kefka said, pausing with his hands on his hips.

She waved a dismissive hand and continued walking.

Kefka gave a little frustrated snort. "Women!" He shook his head. Kefka noticed that she hadn't stopped when he did. "Hey, Kuja-doll, wait for me!"

----

_end chapter 19_


	20. Monocolor War

Disclaimers and Notes: Square owns Final Fantasy and all its characters. I own the story. Yeah, I'm claiming it... sue me and ya don't get anything, except maybe the certificate I got in the mail for making the dean's list again... Chapter 20. Dang. Am I the only person who's getting the feeling that this story is getting too long? Or is it not long enough? hmm...

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 20: Monocolor War

"It's a bunny."

"No, it is not a bunny!"

"Yes it is a bunny! It has long bunny ears, and bunny feet, and a little fluffy bunny tail! It's a bunny!"

"It's not a bunny!" Sephiroth hissed again. "It's supposed to be a crocodile!"

"Damn, Sephiroth, you suck at drawing!" Meow x17 snickered.

"No I don't!"

"Crocodiles don't even have ears!"

Sephiroth sighed, stabbing at the drawing with his sword. "Maybe they do where I come from."

"Sure they do. Crocodiles with bunny ears." Meow x17 finished his drawing and held it up. "Guess."

Sephiroth squinted. "It looks like a dragon."

"Very good!" Meow x17 smirked. "You may suck at drawing, but at least you know a dragon when you see one."

He glowered. "Shut up."

"What are you two fighting over now?" Kuja's voice sounded from behind Sephiroth.

"Yeah, arguing over who has more brain cells?" Kefka snickered. "I'd vote for the cat."

Sephiroth sneered at Kefka. "At least I'd be able to participate in the contest."

Kefka snorted as he sat down.

"Now boys, behave," Kuja sighed heavily as she flopped back down in her chair.

"Something wrong, Kuja?" Meow x17 wondered.

"No, just a bit tired," Kuja said.

"We got attacked by Flaure," Kefka added. Kuja nodded in agreement.

"And so how'd you escape being crammed into little bottles?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Very carefully," Kuja said with a yawn.

Sephiroth pointed at Kefka with his sword. "Why'd you save him?"

She shrugged. "I didn't."

The bishounen blinked cluelessly.

Kuja leaned on the table. "Kefka saved me."

"Score one for clown-boy," Meow x17 snickered. Sephiroth arched a brow, looking at Kefka.

"_You _saved _her_?" he said doubtfully. "How'd you manage to pull that one off?"

"I caught her."

"Caught her?"

Kefka nodded with a smirk. "We got thrown into a lava pit, and I caught her."

Sephiroth blink a few times. "How the hell...?"

"Very carefully," Kefka echoed Kuja's earlier sentiment.

"Lucky you," Sephiroth sighed.

"Uwee hee, yes, I know..." Kefka squirmed a bit. "I even got a reward!"

The bishounen looked suspicious. "A reward? For catching Kuja?"

"Uh huh!" Kefka giggled and nodded. "It was a good one, too!"

Sephiroth remained suspicious. "What _kind_ of reward?"

"I can't tell you, you'd be too jealous."

"Tell me!"

"I can't!"

"_Tell me_!!"

"Uwee hee, I caaaan't!"

"_TELL ME!!!_" Sephiroth shrieked, smacking his sword against the table in annoyance.

"Fine." Kefka leaned forward, smirking. "She kissed me."

"What?!" Sephiroth moved to stand up, but tripped over his sword and fell back into his seat. He pounded a fist on the table, accidentally waking the dozing Kuja up.

"Huuh?" she blinked, sitting up.

"You kissed him?" Sephiroth hissed, pointing toward Kefka.

Kuja scratched her ear. "Uh huh."

"How could you?" Sephiroth said. "That's just so...so...so..._gross_!"

"I didn't think it was that bad," Kefka said.

"Yeah, what've you got against me?"

Sephiroth sweatdropped. "I meant you kissing _him_, not the fact that you were the one doing the kissing!"

"And what've you got against me?" Kefka wondered.

"Everything," Sephiroth grumbled.

"Uwee hee, just the answer I was hoping for."

Kuja waved over the waitress to order a drink.

"So what were you two doing, anyway?" she asked.

"Drawing stuff," Meow x17.

"Ooh, I wanna draw!" Kefka reached for a piece of paper and a pencil.

"What did you guys draw so far?" Kuja asked, looking mildly amused.

"I drew a dragon," Meow x17 said, holding up his picture.

"Very nice..." she tilted her head, looking at Sephiroth's slightly slashed drawing. "Nice bunny."

"It's not a bunny, it's a crocodile!" Sephiroth sniffed in annoyance, trying to cover up the image.

"I didn't know crocodiles went hippity hoppity all over the place," she said.

"They do now!"

"I'm sorry, I haven't had enough to drink yet to make it look like a crocodile," Kuja smirked. Sephiroth muttered under his breath.

"I bet I could draw a crocodile better than you," Kefka said.

Sephiroth snorted, reaching for his sword. "I bet I could draw blood better than you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Bring it on!"

"Boys!" Kuja cut through the argument. "There's no sense in spilling blood on clean paper."

They both paused and blinked at her. "Huh?"

"Why don't you just try drawing something else?"

"Well.... okay," Sephiroth sighed, leaning back into his chair. "What should I draw?"

"How about something that you know how to draw?" Meow x17 suggested.

Sephiroth blinked. "Like what?"

"How about a bunny?"

He glared. "Very funny."

Kefka "uwee hee"'d in amusement as he drew.

"Do you want to draw too?" Meow x17 asked, offering Kuja a pencil.

She sweatdropped. "Eh, sure. Why the hell not?"

"You can't be any worse at drawing than sword-boy here," the Cat snickered as he rolled the pencil across the table.

"Will you just drop the damn bunny thing already?!"

"I was never much for drawing," Kuja admitted, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

"Then why don't _you_ try drawing a crocodile?" Sephiroth grumbled.

"Weren't you the one whining to have that subject dropped?"

"Yes. So why don't you humor me and draw the damned crocodile!"

"Alright, alright, you don't have to get your knickers in a twist."

Sephiroth flushed. "I'm not wearing knickers!"

Kefka paused from his drawing. "Uwee hee, I think I am!"

Kuja sighed. "Forget I said anything about knickers."

She took her drink from the waitress, sipping it and staring down at the blank paper thoughtfully. Kefka hummed, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth and brow furrowed in concentration as he drew. Sephiroth was leaning back and slouching a bit, pouting as he stabbed away at the paper with his pencil. Meow x17 was now gnawing on his pencil, but stopped occasionally to make a few marks on his own sheet of paper.

They worked in relative silence for a few minutes.

Eventually, Meow x17 set the remains of his pencil down. "Alright, everybody finished?"

"Uh-huh, uwee hee!"

"I guess so," Sephiroth sighed.

"Just a sec..." Kuja hurriedly finished her picture, and then her drink. She waved the waitress over, ordered, and then cleared her throat. "Okay, I'm finished now."

"So kind of you to join us," Sephiroth said dryly.

"You can't rush perfection," Kuja said, tossing her hair lightly.

"Good thing it was Kuja trying to be perfect instead of Sephiroth, or we'd be waiting for all eternity," Kefka smirked.

Sephiroth sneered. "Why don't we just see what everyone drew?"

"'Me first!" the Gimme Cat hopped in his chair, picking up his picture.

They looked at it.

"You drew yourself?" Kefka said, puzzled.

"No, that's my Momma Cat!" Meow x17 sniffed. "See the bow on her tail?"

"Oh, yes...." Kuja nodded. "Alright, how about you, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth glared at his paper for a moment before holding it up. "Guess."

"It's..." Kefka tilted his head, looking clueless.

"Umm..." Meow x17 wiggled his wings thoughtfully. "A goat?"

"A Griffin?" Kuja offered.

Sephiroth sweatdropped. "It's a chocobo!"

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja muffled a giggle. "Sephiroth, chocobos only have two legs."

Sephiroth looked at the picture and glowered at it. "_Fine_." He picked up his sword and slashed the front legs off the picture. "Is that better?"

The others peered at it.

"Yeah, it looks more like a chocobo now," Kuja chuckled.

"Good," Sephiroth said with a sniff, flopping back into his seat. He tapped his sword on the table. "Alright, lets see your crocodile, Lady Tribal."

Kuja snickered, offering up her drawing. "Well?"

"Hmmm..." Kefka scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"It looks more like a crocodile that Sephiroth's picture," Meow x17 said.

"It doesn't have bunny ears," Sephiroth agreed sourly.

"Or a fluffy tail," she smirked.

"It looks more like a lizard than a crocodile," Kefka said. "It needs to look more sinister."

She blinked. "More sinister?"

"What do you want her to do, give it a feather and an evil laugh?"

"And maybe some make-up," Sephiroth added.

Kuja looked down at the picture. "I thought the pointy teeth made it look sinister."

"It's a lot more sinister than Sephiroth's bunny-dile," Meow x17 grinned.

"Gah!" Sephiroth dropped his head onto the table.

"Alright, Kefka, let's see your, uh...masterpiece," Kuja grinned.

"Yeah! Mine mine mine!" Kefa pushed the paper into the middle of the table. "Uwee hee!"

Sephiroth picked his head up off the table. "Stick people. Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey, no one said I was an artist!" Kefka giggled.

"So who's who?" Kuja wondered, leaning over the table to get a better look.

"Uwee..." Kefka's gaze strayed for a moment to her backside, until Kuja swatted him in the arm. "Oh, right!" He pointed to the various stick figures.

"This ought to be good," Sephiroth muttered.

"This one is me," Kefka said, pointing to a stick person with a feather sticking out of its head. He pointed to one next to it that had an added squiggly line stuck above its legs. There were also two little lines sticking off the top of the figure's head. "That one's Kuja-doll..." He pointed to two little circles stuck together, with a set of wings, legs, and a squiggly tail. "That's the Cat..."

Kuja giggled, pointing to a figure that was laying on the 'ground' of the paper. "I'm guessing that one's Sephiroth?"

"Yup!" Kefka nodded. "Uwee hee, you're smart, Kuja-doll!"

"The sword gave it away."

Sephiroth peered at his stick person. "Hey, where's my head?!"

"You don't need one!" Kefka hissed.

Sephiroth growled. "Draw me a head!"

"Actually, I think that's what the stick demons over there are using as a ball," Kuja said, pointing to the side of the paper.

"That's not funny!"

"I thought it was..." Meow x17 said, tilting his head.

"Me too, uwee hee!"

"Me three," Kuja said with a grin.

"You're outnumbered, Sephiroth," Meow x17 snickered.

"I vote we cut off his head!" Kefka said. "Get his sword!"

"I second the motion!" Meow x17 crowed. They looked at Kuja. She shrugged.

"Leave me alone!" Sephiroth wailed, whacking his head on the table again.

"He's down, get his sword, uwee hee!"

"No! Leave! Me! Alone!" Sephiroth hopped to his feet, grabbing his sword. "Noooo!" He ran off with a wail, sword in hand.

The remaining three watch him run off.

"Aw, he's no fun..."

----

_end chapter 20_


	21. Bingo Hell

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. Yup yup.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 21: Bingo Hell

"So, when do you think Sephiroth's gonna come back?" Meow x17 wondered. He was halfway through eating his dragon drawing.

"I dunno, he seemed pretty freaked out earlier," Kuja smirked.

"And just 'cause we wanted to cut his head off!" Kefka said lightly. "What a wuss."

"He'll probably just come back drunk and threatening you with his sword anyways," Kuja said.

"I'm gonna kick your asssh!"

Kefka looked up at the newly returned Sephiroth. "Boy, you really are smart, Kuja!"

She smirked, turning to look up at Sephiroth. "Back so soon?"

"I'm gonna...gonna..." he paused, scratching the back of his silvery head. "What was I talking about?"

"You invited us to go play bingo," Kefka suggested. Sephiroth blinked.

"Yeah! I love bingo! I'm gonna kick your ass at bingo!" the bishounen cackled drunkenly and waved his sword a bit in Kefka's face.

"I bet you wouldn't even win a game!" Kefka said mockingly.

"Ha! We'll see about that!"

Kefka grinned at Kuja. "You want to come along?"

"To go play bingo?"

He nodded vigorously, giving her a hopeful look.

"Well...okay."

:

The (aptly named) Great Bingo Hall of Hell was right next door to the Great Mall of Hell. The trio arrived just as a game was nearly over.

"Oooh, let's sit over there!" Kefka hopped over to a table. Kuja and Sephiroth followed. She ended up being seated between them.

"Just my luck, I'll be attacked from both sides," Kuja said under her breath as they were brought bingo cards. Kefka scooped up some bingo chips from a bowl at the end of the table and deposited them in front of Kuja's card.

"Look, look, look!" Kefka giggled, picking up one of the little red plastic chips.

"It's a bingo chip," she observed, looking at the note on the bowl.

"I know that, but _watch_!" he gave the chip a little lick and then stuck it squarely on Kuja's forehead. She flushed a bit, angling her eyes up in a vain attempt to see the chip.

"Very funny..." Kuja picked up a chip and copied the motion, sticking it on Kefka's forehead between the two upper slashes of make-up. "Now we match."

"Uwee hee, we match!" Kefka giggled, overly enthused at this prospect.

"You want one too, Sephiroth?" Kuja wondered. The drunk looked at them, arching a silver brought haughtily.

"No, it looks shtupid."

"Aw, but they're good luck!" Kefka giggled.

"I'll do without," Sephiroth snapped at him.

"Hmph, suit yourself," Kefka turned his attentions back to Kuja. "Have you ever played bingo before?"

"No, I don't think so," she shook her head. "We didn't have it on Terra. Or Gaia."

"Oooh, then I'll just get to explain it to you!" he grinned, picking up another bingo chip. "This is a bingo chip. You use it to mark the little squares on this card." He pointed at the bingo card with the chip and set it down on a square as an example.

"Why would I want to do that?" she wondered.

"Well, the object is to get five squares in a row, or whatever the current rules are," Kefka said. "The bingo caller--" He pointed to the demon up at the front of the room. "-- will call out a letter and number, and if you have it on your card you can mark it off."

"So it's all random?"

"Mm-hmm! Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it quick," Kefka grinned. "And I'll help you."

"Thank you," she smiled, picking up a few chips.

Someone down at the front called bingo. After it was confirmed, a new game started.

"Ah, the rules for this one are blackout," Kefka said.

"I can do that," Sephiroth smirked.

"Without the alcohol," Kefka rolled his eyes.

"What's that mean?" Kuja wondered as the caller started calling numbers again.

"It means you have to fill in all the squares on your card to win," he said. Kuja nodded in understanding, looking down at the card. After another number was called, he pointed at her card. "See? I-17. You have that one."

"So I mark it?" Kefka nodded. "Ah... that isn't too hard..."

"Now you just keep listening and checking your numbers," Kefka grinned.

"Is there some sort of prize for winning?" she wondered.

"No, since this is hell," he said. "But I'll give you one if you do happen to win."

"I'll have to keep that in mind," Kuja said, quirking a brow.

"Uwee hee..."

They continued in relative silence for awhile, Kefka occasionally pointing out a number that Kuja had missed, and Sephiroth occasionally muttering to himself about rotten luck.

"What exactly is the draw of this game?" Kuja asked after awhile.

"Ooh, it can be quite addictive," Kefka said, wiggling a chip thoughtfully before setting it down on the card. "Or very frustrating, if you happen to suck at the game like sword-boy."

"How can you be bad at this? It's completely random."

"Bad luck, I suppose," he shrugged with a smirk.

"Why won't they call my numbers?!" Sephiroth hissed at his card.

"Because they hate you!" Kefka said, leaning around Kuja.

"Hey, watch it, you'll bump my card!" Kuja swatted Kefka's arm. He giggled and flopped back into his seat.

"Sorry, Kuja-doll," Kefka looked down and marked another square on his card.

Eventually someone down at the front called Bingo.

Kuja sighed, pouting a bit as she cleared the chips off her card. "I only had a few squares left."

"Don't worry, there's always next time!" Kefka giggled, patting her on the knee.

"Yeah, what's the next game?"

Kefka tilted his head, listening to the caller. "Just the regular 5 in a row."

"I want a new card!" Sephiroth grumbled.

"You can't have a new one!" the demonesse wandering around to check the winners snapped at him.

"Why not?!"

"Because this is hell, that's why!"

Sephiroth sighed heavily, looking back down at his card. "Dammit."

"Be quiet, I can't hear the numbers," Kuja snickered at him. Sephiroth whined something in response.

"I told you to put the bingo chip on your forehead, but would you? Nooooo..." Kefka giggled.

"I'm not putting the damn chip on my forehead!" Sephiroth snapped, glaring at them out of the corner of his eye.

"O-69..."

Kefka giggled. Kuja arched a brow.

"Don't even think about it."

"Uwee hee, too late!"

Several more numbers were called before Kuja paused, glancing down suddenly.

"Kefka..."

He glanced at her, a faint grin on his face. "Hmm?"

"Why is your hand still on my knee?"

He looked down at the table, the grin widening a bit. "I don't see my hand on your knee."

Kuja snorted lightly, shaking her head with a soft laugh. "Well, it had better not try going anywhere else under the table."

He pouted his blood red lips for a moment before grinning again. "O-kaaay..."

"I-20.."

"No! Call I-19! 19, dammit!" Sephiroth continued to have a small fit opposite of Kefka.

"He isn't taking this game too well, now is he?" Kuja muffled a laugh.

"He never was one for losing."

"B-3..."

"B-2! Come on!"

Kefka and Kuja paused to glare at Sephiroth. He looked back at them.

"What??"

"Will you please lose more quietly!" Kuja snapped at him.

"Am I going to have to remove you from the hall, sir?" the card-checking demonesse growled at Sephiroth. The bishounen squeaked.

"N-no! I'll lose quietly! I promise!"

"Good." The demonesse moved on. Sephiroth sighed heavily.

"This sucks."

"I'm having fun," Kefka grinned. Sephiroth snorted.

"That's just because you're trying to feel up my leg," Kuja said under her breath, marking off another square.

"Uwee hee hee hee hee hee...." Kefka gave her knee a little squeeze. She glared at him briefly.

"_Behave_..."

Kefka giggled with a wicked grin. "Will you spank me if I don't behave?"

She sweatdropped. "I am _so_ not answering that question."

He leered at her. "Oh, c'mon Kuja-doll, you know you want to!"

"Do you want me to remove your hand?"

"Uwee hee... from your knee or from my arm?"

"I haven't decided that far yet."

"Uwee..." He gave her knee another squeeze but didn't move his hand. Kuja sighed faintly.

"You're impossible."

"I know," Kefka smirked.

Several more games passed in this fashion without any of the trio winning. Kefka and Kuja came close a few times, but remained unsuccessful. Sephiroth was too busy trying not to get a wedgie from the card checker to really pay much attention to the game.

"Don't you find it at least _mildly_ disturbing that that demonesse keeps calling Sephiroth her bitch?" Kuja wondered, watching Sephiroth out of the corner of her eye.

"Nope," Kefka grinned wickedly. "I think it's cute."

"Sephiroth wouldn't agree..."

"I toooold him to wear the chip. But would he? Noooo!" He giggled wildly. "I hope she steals his pants."

"Kefka!"

"Well, it'd be amusing!" Kefka smirked. "And then she could make him win them back."

"Considering his current bingo luck, that could take a while."

"Uwee hee, I know!"

"Wicked, wicked Kefka," Kuja said with a laugh.

"Oooh, and that's what you love about me," Kefka grinned, patting her knee before finally pulling his hand away. She snorted lightly.

"Don't press your luck...."

"Can I press yours?" he giggled. Kuja opened her mouth to retort but stopped, looking down at her card. She set a chip down.

"I got bingo!" she whispered to Kefka. "What do I do?"

"Just...uh...shout 'bingo'!" Kefka giggled, looking at her card.

Kuja called bingo. Lucky for them, the card checker was already nearby. Sephiroth whined unhappily as the demonesse leaned over him to check Kuja's card.

"Yup! You got it alright," the demonesse nodded and grinned. "Congratulations." She turned and leered at Sephiroth again. He whimpered, sinking down in his seat. The card checker laughed and moved on.

"Too bad there aren't any prizes," Kuja said as they cleared off their cards.

"Oooh, but I promised that I'd give you one!" Kefka giggled.

A new game started.

"O-69..."

They looked at each other. Kuja sweatdropped. Kefka grinned broadly.

"No."

"Come on!"

"_No_!"

"Come on, it'll be fun!"

"Not in this millennium it won't..."

Kefka pouted lightly, setting a chip down on his card.

"Maybe next game..."

----

_end chapter 21_


	22. Family Obligations

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. Yup yup. Ah... yes...filler chapter. Well, sorta. Sorry if this one is boring. ;

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 22: Family Obligations

"I swear, if this demon tries to hit on me, there's going to be some heads getting busted," Kuja growled as she and Kefka headed toward an office building somewhere in hell. Kuja had been sent another one of those squirmy nervous little messenger people. It, like the last one, had run away screaming after delivering its message. Of course, Kefka poking it with a little fork (which he'd probably found while at work) probably didn't have anything to do with the messenger's hasty departure.

"Uwee hee, that's why I came along!" Kefka giggled. She glanced at him.

"Why, so you could help?"

He shook his head. "No, so I could watch!" Kuja laughed and shook her head.

"You could be a little carnage cheerleader..."

Kefka grinned. "I think you'd look better in the skirt."

"Suit yourself..."

They reached the appropriate office building and went inside.

"So what's the HDPM anyways?" Kuja wondered as they went to the desk.

"I'm not really sure..."

"It stands for Hell's Department of Preventative Measures," the demonesse behind the front desk explained. She looked fairly human, except for the horns and little bat wings.

"Preventative Measures?" they echoed curiously.

"What do you guys want with me?" Kuja asked.

"Do you have an appointment?" the demonesse asked.

"You sent one of those little wimpy messenger guys to me," she said. The demonesse typed something into a computer.

"Name?"

"Kuja Tribal."

After a moment the demonesse nodded. "Yes. Dr. Lerownzz wanted you summoned."

"What for?"

"You'll find out soon enough," the demonesse said, typing again. She paused, looking at Kefka. "And who's your companion?"

"This is Kefka," Kuja said, pointing idly at the mage. He grinned.

"Kefka Palazzo," he added. The demonesse nodded and turned back to the computer.

"So you'll have an escort?"

"Uh..." Kuja looked at Kefka and then back to the demonesse. "I guess so. But an escort for what?"

"For whatever Dr. Lerownzz wants you to do," the demonesse said. After a ding from the computer she tapped the screen. "He's in room 219. Go to the second floor."

"Right, thanks...I think." Kuja blinked at Kefka, who shrugged cluelessly.

"Hell has many mysteries," he said, wiggling his fingers as he followed her up a short flight of stairs.

:

Dr. Lerownzz was another demon. He wasn't as odd looking as Kurshplat had been, but he still had a weird presence to him. His head and upper body looked human, but his lower half tapered off into a long snakey tail.

"Ah, Miss Tribal, so good of you to come," Lerownzz gestured toward the chair in front of his desk. She sat. Kefka looked around, but there wen't any more places to sit in the sparely decorated office. He ended up standing behind Kuja.

"I'm starting to feel like I've been doomed to have to do community service for all eternity," Kuja said. "First that mess with the lizard--"

"Demidragon," Kefka added with a giggle.

"--whatever. And now this."

"Well, that's not really the case, because what I'm going to ask you and your frilly friend to do requires a bit of out of town work," Lerownzz looked at a few papers on his desk.

"Frilly?" Kefka blinked, looking down.

"Out of town work? Where's that?"

"Well, Miss Tribal... are you aware of what the HDPM does?"

"Like so much else in the afterlife, I hadn't heard of it until just now."

"Well... the Preventative Measures offices; with departments based in heaven, hell, and purgatory; sets about to make sure that certain bad things don't happen on the different planets in each of the parallel dimensions that comprise the universe."

Kuja blinked. "Come again?"

"So you go about changing events to affect the historical outcome of a planet?" Kefka piped up behind her.

Lerownzz nodded. "In so many words, yes."

She tilted her head, looking doubtful. "You guys must not be very effective, or me and Kefka here would've been stopped."

The demon shook his head. "Perhaps, but sometimes bad things are supposed to happen, to help better the structure of the survivors."

"....oh."

"But sometimes there are errant currents that have to be tidied up..." Lerownzz looked down at the papers in his hands again and nodded. "...in order to keep things from going bad when they shouldn't."

"Preventative measures..."

"Mm-hmm." Lerownzz tapped a finger on his desk. "It's be about five or six millennia since you died, hasn't it?"

"I've lost track."

"Well, that's what the records say at least. There's a bit of a time flux between the dead dimension and the living ones, but we still keep track best as we can. Either way, about five and a half thousand years have passed on Gaia since your death."

"And?"

"Things have changed in the political climate, to say the least," Lerownzz said with a smile. "We need you to go to Gaia to stop something from happening."

"Why me? If it's on Gaia, why not get someone more dependable, like Zidane? Or even that psycho Azera chick..." She trailed off as Lerownzz shook his head.

"Azera didn't die on Gaia, so it's none of her business," he said. "Besides, she got locked up for a few hundred years because of errant behavior... And Zidane would be a natural choice, but unfortunately this problem is partially his fault."

"_His_ fault?"

"Well, the problem stems around some of his and your fellow Genomes' descendents," Lerownzz explained. "And since you never...ah...bred... you can't be directly blamed. So you became our next choice."

"I feel so honored," she said dryly. "What the heck am I supposed to do?"

"Just stop a group of Genomes from killing the current regent of Lindblum, an event which would start a very large and pointless war."

"What's wrong with a large and pointless war?" Kefka wondered. "They happen all the time." Kuja nodded in agreement.

"A war may seem pointless, but we don't let them happen if they're truly pointless. Or if they feature undesired results."

"Which is it in this case?"

"Undesired results," Lerownzz said. "This war would wipe out most of the remaining human population on Gaia, resulting in the Terran descendants--the Genomes as they're still called on Gaia--pretty much taking things over." The demon pointed a finger at Kuja with a smirk. "And we worked very hard to prevent that from happening before."

Kuja tilted her head thoughtfully but didn't say anything.

"How is she supposed to stop this from happening? After all, we _are_ dead."

"Very dead," Lerownzz chuckled. "You'll be traveling back to Gaia in the spirit form... as ghosts, I guess you could say. You'll be able to make yourselves visible and audible, and Kuja will have the added benefit of being able to be physically tangible for a short while."

"Why not me?" Kefka pouted.

"You're...uh...just going along as backup," the demon said. "You didn't even come from the same dimension as her, let alone the same planet. So you won't be able to fully manifest your self."

"Rats."

Lerownzz smiled wryly. "Besides, it'll reduce the amount of...accidental... damage done while on Gaia."

"They don't want you breaking stuff, Kefka," Kuja laughed.

"The same goes for you, Kuja. This is just very temporary access to your living dimension. You're to do your job, and then get your butt back to hell."

"Yeah, yeah..." she sighed. "I suppose a change of scenery would be nice."

"Good." Dr. Lerownzz passed a few papers to Kuja. "This will tell you what you need to know. Go to the Tri-Head transport station as soon as you can."

"Right..." Kuja glanced at the papers as she took them. "I'm starting to feel like I'm in some weird role-playing game."

Lerownzz chuckled and shook his head. "Good luck."

:

"I'm glad you're letting me come along," Kefka giggled as he hopped next to Kuja. They were at the transport station, waiting for their clearance to come through. "I think it'll be neat to see where you came from!"

Kuja shook her head. "I blew up where I came from."

"Oooh, that's right!"

"Besides, it's been five millennia since I saw Gaia. I'm sure it's changed from the way it used to be."

"Yeah, you're probably right..."

"Miss Tribal, Mr. Palazzo?" a demon behind the counter called to them. "The HDPM has confirmed that you have permission to go to Gaia for...business purposes."

"Yes, that's right," Kuja nodded.

"Okay, come with me please..."

They followed the demon to a row of tables.

"Just pick one and lay down, please," the demon said, looking at a clipboard. "Based on the information we received from HDPM, you'll be arriving at the place of Ms. Tribal's death.. the, uh, Iifa Tree?"

"Sounds about right," Kuja said as she hopped up onto a table.

"Alright... just close your eyes, and you'll be arriving shortly..."

:

It was night on Gaia when they arrived.

"Dammit, couldn't they at least send us in during the day? I can't read what these papers say in the dark!" Kuja sighed as she squinted at the papers in the pale double-moonlight.

"We'll just have to wait until morning!" Kefka said cheerfully, hopping around the vine covered surface of the tree. Kuja sighed in agreement, looking around as she tucked the papers away.

"The tree looks the same, but that's not a huge surprise," she said, jumping up to the closest branch. Kefka giggled and floated after her. They walked out along the branch until Kuja stopped. "Oh...wow..."

The tiny little village that she had seen while visiting with Zidane had grown a great deal larger, spreading to cover most of the unforgiving terrain surrounding the grand Iifa Tree.

"Looks like they've been busy," Kuja said, looking at the town.

"Uwee hee, speaking of busy..." Kefka was looking down the side of the tree. "Looks like the Iifa Tree has become a make-out spot."

"What?!" Kuja looked to where he pointed.

Kefka grinned. "Does it give you any ideas?"

She sweatdropped. "Don't even suggest it, or I'm going to push them off the tree."

"Uwee! How'd you know that that's what I wanted to do?"

Kuja palmed her forehead. "Why don't we go see if we can find a lighted spot down in the town so I can read these stupid mission papers?"

Kefka giggled. "We could go do that too."

They made their way down out of the tree and into the town.

Kefka whined as they entered the town. "Can you smell that?"

"Smell what?"

His stomach growled. "Food..."

"Don't be silly, Kefka, we can't eat," Kuja smiled consolingly at him.

"I knoooow," Kefka huffed a sigh and peered in a window. "Eeew, horrible decorating sense."

She laughed. "We didn't come here to critique the Gaian home life, Kefka."

"I know, but still!" He stuck his tongue out, shaking his head vigorously.

They passed a dark little cafe that was still open.

"Everyone in there has a tail, Kuja," Kefka noted as he peered in the window.

"Must all be Genomes," she said, leaning over his shoulder to look. "They're probably all over Gaia by now, but this continent is where they first colonized."

Kefka turned away from the cafe, looking around again. "New North Alexandria... geez, these people even suck at naming towns!"

"Where'd you see that?"

He pointed to a newspaper stand. Kuja sweatdropped.

"At least someone here is observant."

"Come on, Kuja-doll, let's go find a place for you to read!" Kefka giggled and hopped off toward the town square. Kuja shook her head as she followed him.

"It's a good thing he can't break stuff...."

-----

_end chapter 22_


	23. Demons (FO, part 2)

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. Yup yup.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 23: Demons (Family Obligations, part 2)

They sat under a street lamp a little while later, Kuja carefully scrutinizing the papers she'd been given.

"Based on this, we're supposed to head to Alexandria, where the people who plan on killing the regent of Lindblum are currently gathering."

Kefka was hopping around boredly. "And then what?"

"And then we...um...stop them from killing the regent."

He paused, leaning over her shoulder. "Do those papers specify _how_ we're supposed to stop them?"

"Um..." Kuja rustled through the papers. "No, not really. This is mostly a recent history of Gaia."

"How useful," Kefka sighed, sitting down next to her on the cobbled street. "So, are we supposed to _kill_ these people that want to kill that regent guy, or are we just supposed to scare them shitless, or what?"

"Whatever works, I guess."

"Do they at least tell us where to find these Genomes?"

She glanced at the papers again. "Yes."

"Well, that's something..." Kefka looked around. "Just where is Alexandria, anyways?"

"Last time I was here it was southeast of here, on another continent."

"Splendid. How do we get there?"

Kuja chewed on her lip thoughtfully. "Walk, I guess. Or float. Or whatever ghosts do."

:

Dawn was breaking when they reached the southern coast of the Outer Continent. What had once been an abandoned beach, good only for chocobo treasure hunting, was now a touristy little resort spot. Kuja had managed--barely--to keep Kefka from running off to harass people.

"So Alexandria's that way?" he pointed indiscriminately toward the ocean.

"Somewhere over there."

A pause, then: "How the heck do we get there?"

She sweatdropped. "I don't know! Why don't you think of something?"

He tilted his head and gestured mildly toward his back. "We could fly."

"I'm not letting you carry me for that long."

He snapped his fingers. "Darn." Kefka looked up at the sky. "What, you're afraid I'll drop you?"

"You dropping me isn't really high on my list of worries..."

Kefka blinked a few times before looking back down at her. "Uwee hee, aw, c'mon! You know you like the groping!"

"It's an absolute ball." Kuja toed the sand.

"Oh, come on!" Kefka clasped his gloved hands together and gave her a pleading look. "Pleeeeease?"

She bit her lip, trying not to laugh. "Can't we just sneak on a boat or something?"

"Or something?" Kefka hopped in place, hands still clasped. "That could take a long time, Kuja! Whereas I am ready to pop out the big ugly wings at a moment's notice!"

She tilted her head. "I like your wings."

"I know, but for me they're just a constant reminder of my failures." He hopped again. "Pleeease? Come on, let me carry you!"

Kuja muffled a laugh with her hand. "You're whining."

"I knoooow."

She looked up and down the beach, then out at the ocean, and finally back at Kefka. "Well..."

He gave his best insanely cute pleading look.

Kuja sighed lightly, a smile curling the corner of her lips. "Alright. But if you so much as even try to grope me, I'm gonna pluck you feather by feather."

"Ooooh, torturous!"

"_Kefka_..."

"I'll be good, I promise!" Kefka giggled. "I'll save the groping for when we're on land."

She sweatdroppped again. "Fabulous."

He tossed back his cloak, wings mysteriously unfurling. "Shall we?"

She glanced along the beach again before shrugging. "What the hell..."

"Uwee hee!" With only a giggle of warning, Kefka hopped forward and knocked Kuja back, scooping her up into his arms.

"Ack! Kefka!"

"I'm not groping!" he giggled, teetering a bit as he regained his balance.

"Are you sure you can handle this?"

"Sure I'm sure! I was a god!"

"That's reassuring..."

"Uwee hee, I thought so too."

With a bit of a hop, Kefka managed to get airborne. They were lucky to be dead, of course, as he ran through a few trees before evening out and heading in the direction of the Mist continent.

"Uh..." Kuja tilted her head, watching as the ocean passed underneath them. Where was a silver dragon when she needed it? "When was the last time you actually flew, Kefka?"

"Lets see..." he hummed, long blonde ponytail fluttering behind him. "Probably right before I died. Why?"

"I suppose its a good thing we're already dead," Kuja said with a hint of nervousness in her voice.

"Uwee hee, don't worry! I won't drop you!" He tilted his head. "Or grope you!"

"Great..." She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned against him. "I think I'm gonna be airsick."

"Awww, poor Kuja-doll," Kefka giggled. "Just don't get sick on me, uwee hee hee!"

"Dear me, I'll try to be more considerate," she muttered sarcastically into his chest. Kefka perked and giggled a few times, but made an attempt to jostle her less.

"Don't worry, it can't be too far there..."

:

"Uwee hee, wake up, Kuja-doll!" Kefka giggled, giving her a shake. "We've arrived!"

She blinked, opening her eyes and sitting up with a groan. "What? Already?"

"You kinda fell asleep," he giggled, turning back to face her.

"Where are we?"

"I think we're near Alexandria," he said, pointing over his shoulder. Kefka had already put his wings away. "At least, it looks like you described. Waterfalls and a giant sword."

"That would be the place, I hope," Kuja said as she got to her feet. They were up on one of the mountains that surrounded the castle town. She stepped around him and looked to where he'd pointed. Alexandria Castle looked much the same, although the town surrounding it had sprawled to the feet of the surrounding mountains.

"So is that it?" Kefka asked eagerly. She nodded.

"Yep. Same old Alexandria."

"So where down there are we supposed to go?"

She pulled out the mission papers again. "According to this, the leader of this little murderous group is named Annel Torvel. We should be able to find him in a little church on the south side of the castle town."

"Heretics?"

She shrugged. "I guess we'll find out."

With a flex of her knees, Kuja started to hop her way down the rocky mountainside.

"Ooh, uwee hee, I could watch that all day!"

She paused about fifty yards below him. "Kefka, come on!"

"Coming!" He tilted his head and giggled madly at his own word, then started to make his way down after her.

:

Alexandria hadn't changed much once you got down into the city. It was still the same quaint little hick castle town as five millennia before, just...bigger.

"Well, this is the place," Kuja said. She and Kefka were on the roof of their destination, perched crouching like a pair of gaudy gargoyles. Kefka peered down into the street below.

"There aren't many people around," he said slowly. "But... there do seem to be a lot of Genomes here too."

"I noticed."

"Do you think its safe to make ourselves visible?" Kefka wondered.

"Well, it's not like anyone can hurt us, right?"

"As far as I know."

"We'd just get sent back to hell anyways," Kuja said. Kefka nodded in agreement, pushing himself up to his feet.

"And then we'd just get sent back here because we haven't finished your little task."

She snorted. "Little. Right." She brushed off her boots as she stood. "Let's just find that Torvel guy and get this over with."

"Right!"

They hopped down from the roof of the little chapel, landing on the cobbled street below. After checking to make sure that they weren't being watched, Kuja and Kefka shifted into visibility with a shimmer. Kuja used the added benefit of being more physically present to open the door and let themselves inside. (Walking through things wasn't as fun as it looked.)

She kicked the door shut behind Kefka and looked around.

"Nobody's home," Kefka noted as he made his way along the aisle that ran between several isles of benches. The chapel was fairly plain, most of the decoration being gathered at an arched altar at the end of the aisle.

"Seems that way," Kuja said, getting about halfway down the aisle before stopping. They both turned as the door behind them opened.

"Demon, be gone!" they heard a cry from a little girl that stepped through the door. Kuja made a noise of surprise as the little blonde Genome appeared at the far end of the chapel. Apparently they hadn't been as unobserved as they'd thought. She ran at full speed, stabbing a small dagger into the exposed skin above Kuja's boot.

Kuja winced, feeling a tiny prick of pain. Then she looked down with a laugh as the little girl pulled the blade loose.

"Be gone!" the little girl shouted. Kuja laughed again, looking a bit unnerved.

"Kuja, what's wrong?" Kefka hopped up behind her.

"Look!" Kuja snatched the dagger from the little girl and stabbed it through her free palm. The blade cut through cleanly, leaving no visible marks. "It doesn't even hurt!"

"Uwee hee, that's because we're dead, silly," Kefka giggled as Kuja curiously stabbed herself in the arm.

There was a _thunk_ in front of them as the little girl fainted. Kefka snickered. Kuja quickly lost interest in the game of unsuccessful self-mutilation and tossed the dagger aside.

"I wonder why she called me a demon..." Kuja said, peering down at the little girl. She had blonde hair and a crème colored tail. Kuja was vaguely reminded of what Zidane had looked like when he was little, but shook her head.

Kefka had turned away again. "Maybe it's because of this?" He pointed at the small altar at the far end of the room. Ignoring the little girl, Kuja and Kefka moved to get a better look at it.

"'The Soul Destroyer' and 'The Soul Restorer'?" Kuja read the words on the altar.

"That little figure looks kinda like you, Kuja-doll," Kefka noted with a giggle.

"And the other one looks like Zidane..." Kuja tilted her head and frowned. She ran her finger along a long line of text that stretched across the altar. "Kefka, this is all written in Terran."

"So?" he was peering at the little figure with violet colored hair.

"Well, I find it hard to believe that the Genomes would still know Terran after five thousand years. Especially since they were barely taught Terran anyways."

"They were taught...uh...Gaian?"

Kuja nodded, looking at the little figures, and then back at the text. "I had to learn Terran in order to properly control the Invincible and...lots of other things."

Kefka peered at the lettering. "What the heck does it say?"

"Si renkan kuja mavato ek moreot si danet tan sit kassal, qual si dane zida morata nu. Si renkan kuja vam mavo ek zona paora si dane tanet corva vailo nai, pa mos shant des moreota." She frowned.

"Sounds nice when you say it..." Kefka pursed his lips. "But a translation, please?"

Kuja sighed, shaking her head slightly. "The fallen angel tried to destroy the souls of this world, but the soul restorer stopped him. The fallen angel will try to return through the soul of a violet haired one, so all must be destroyed."

He noted where he finger stopped. "You only read half of it."

"It doesn't get much better," Kuja frowned, looked up at the altar.

"I thought I heard you and Zidane's names in there the first time..."

"Garland wasn't creative in his naming," Kuja sighed. "My name means 'angel' in Terran, and Zidane's is respelling of 'si dane'--'the soul'..."

"At least he gave you nice names."

Kuja burst out laughing at this. Kefka blinked.

"What's so funny?"

"It's just... nothing," Kuja's shoulders shook as she stared down, rubbing her eyes.

"Oh, come on," Kefka hopped a bit. "You can tell me!"

"Well... Tribal means 'death' in Terran... I really was supposed to be his 'Angel of Death'..." Kuja shook her head again, still laughing faintly.

"You okay, doll?" Kefka touched her shoulder, but she shrugged his hand away.

"See! There's the demon! I _told_ you!" They turned in unison at hearing the shrill shriek of the little Genome girl. Kuja cursed under her breath, realizing that she hadn't made herself invisible again, while Kefka had. The little girl wasn't alone. She had several older Genomes with her now. They were all blonde, Kuja noted with a cringe.

"Demon! You have no place here!" The oldest of the Genomes shouted.

"You don't know how right you are," Kuja said sourly.

------

_end chapter 23_


	24. Ghosts (FO, part 3)

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. Yup yup. I apologize for writing another multi-part story, but that's how it ended up being. ;

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 24: Ghosts (FO: Part 3)

"Demon! You have no place here!" The oldest of the Genomes shouted.

"You don't know how right you are," Kuja said sourly.

"Granpa, I heard another demon call this one's name!" the little girl said, her tail swishing restlessly.

"We can destroy it if we know its name," another one of the Genomes said. They nodded in agreement. Kuja stomped her foot in annoyance.

"'It'? I'm a 'she', you dolts!" She put her hands on her hips. "Besides, you can't destroy me. I'm here on official business."

"We'll see about that," the eldest Genome said, leading the group toward Kuja. He was holding a book.

"Kuja, is everything okay?" Kefka whispered. She nodded faintly. "Just let me know if you need any help!"

"Thank you," Kuja said softly. Kefka hummed, hopping up and sitting on the top arch of the altar.

"Don't thank us for anything, demon!"

"I wasn't thanking you, you idiots!" Kuja snapped back at them.

"She's talking to another demon!" the little girl whispered. Kuja rolled her eyes.

"Kefka may be strange, but he's no demon." Kefka giggled from up on his perch.

"Tell us, Essa, what is this demon's name?" the Genome holding the book said, pointing at Kuja.

"Kuja!" the little girl spat. The group that had assembled murmured excitedly.

"Apparently they don't get to play with demons everyday," Kefka said dryly. Kuja smirked lightly, watching with amusement as the Genomes got into a line.

"We shall destroy thee, demon!" the Genome opened the book and flipped through the pages. "Now where is that incantation..."

"Which incantation?" Kuja wondered.

"The demon destroying incantation, demon!"

She sweatdropped. "Try page...139."

"Bah, it's not on page 139!" the elder hissed at her. The other Genome flipped through the pages.

"Ah, sir? It's on page 139."

The elder turned back to Kuja in surprise. "How did you know that?"

"Lucky guess," she smirked. The Genome snorted in annoyance.

"Never mind that! We shall destroy you now!"

"Can you make it quick? I've got things to do."

The elder narrowed his eyes at her. "You won't be doing anything once we're done with you!"

"Yeah, you might die of boredom, or something like that," Kefka giggled. Kuja muffled a snicker.

"We shall begin!"

The Genome holding the book read out the incantation, and the other Genomes echoed it back. Kuja stood with her arms crossed, looking mildly bored.

After reading the incantation, the group looked at her.

"It didn't work," one of the Genomes whispered.

"Try it again!"

"Yeah!"

They read the incantation again, and then several times more for good measure.

Kuja rolled her eyes as the group looked at her again.

"Elder, it's not working!" one of the Genomes whispered. "What are we gonna do?"

"Shut up!" the elder snapped.

"I'm scared!" Essa wailed.

"You don't have enough intelligence to be scared!" Kuja snapped.

"Quiet, demon!"

Kuja sighed as they started the incantation again. "Are you going to quit doing that soon? I'm about to get upset and blow something up."

"We will do it as many times as it takes!"

"I'd like to do it as many times as it takes too," Kefka giggled loudly. Kuja sweatdropped.

The Genomes read through the incantation another two or three times, clearly perplexed that the spell wasn't working.

"You foul demon, why do you not be destroyed?"

"Because I don't have to be!" She growled, visibly beginning to lose her temper. "And why do you keep calling me a demon? I may be dead, but I'm no demon!"

"Oh, but you must be, for you look just like Soul Destroyer!" the elder said. The others nodded in agreement. "In fact, you are the closest representation of that terrible demon that we have seen in many generations!"

Kuja gritted her teeth. "I'm not just a representation, I'm the real deal!"

"You can't be!" the elder shook his head.

"What? Why not?"

"Well, because the Soul Destroyer was male, you see..." The elder stepped back in alarm as Kuja growled loudly and pulled back a fist.

"Flar-!" she stopped in mid-cast, her arm being held back by Kefka, who had jumped down from his perch on the altar.

"Kuja-doll, you can't blow them up yet, we don't know where to find that guy!"

She sighed heavily. "Yeah, you're right.."

"You see, children? This demon's wrath has been stopped by the hand of god!"

"No, it was just Kefka's hand," Kuja snapped at him. "Idiots..."

"Close enough though, uwee hee..."

She turned to Kefka. "Well, what am I supposed to do?"

"Uh, ask nicely?"

"Like they're really going to just tell me," Kuja sighed. "They thinking I'm a fucking demon."

"Who is she talking to?" one of the other Genomes wondered.

"Not only is she a demon, but she's crazy too!" another shouted.

"The evil must have driven her mad! We must destroy her!" yet another Genome from the group added.

Kuja whipped back around to face them. "Will you all just shut up?"

The group fell silent.

"Now listen, you pathetic excuses for Genomes," Kuja growled. "Where can I find your leader? This.."

"Annel Torvel," Kefka supplied.

"...Annel Torvel guy?"

The elder swallowed nervously. "Ah, well, he isn't here."

"Then where is he?"

"He's gone to Lindblum on very important business," the elder said.

"I'll bet it's important," Kuja snapped, turning back to Kefka. "Come on, we've gotta go! That idiot's already went to Lindblum!" She shoved past the group and started for the exit.

"Right behind you!" Kefka giggled, hopping through the crowd.

"How odd..." the elder murmured as the group watched Kuja depart. She paused at the door.

"Oh, and one last thing," Kuja added, pointing at the altar.

"What's that?"

The last thing most of the Genomes there heard was the 'demon' angrily shouting "Flarestar!" The subsequent explosion took out the altar, the little church, and much of the surrounding neighborhood.

"Serves you right for calling me a demon, you stupid pathetic fuzzy tailed bast-!" Kuja's ranting was cut off with a yelp as Kefka dragged her away from where the chapel had been.

"Now, now, Kuja-doll, it's nothing to be upset about!" Kefka giggled as Kuja wrenched herself free from his grip.

"I'm not upset!" she snapped, stalking toward the closest exit of the city. They switched back to invisibility with a pair of shimmers.

"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka said cheerfully as he hopped alongside Kuja. "It was a nice explosion though!"

She sweatdropped. "I sorta lost my temper, didn't I?"

"A little bit," he giggled. "But I thought it was cute."

"You would."

"Yep!" he hopped again.

She flushed a bit as they made their way out of the city. "We need to get to Lindblum before that Torvel guy does anything stupid."

"You mean like killing the regent?"

"No, I mean like tap dancing through the business district," she said sarcastically.

He blinked. "Why would he want to do that?"

"If this guy is crazy enough to want to kill the regent and start a war, then he just might be crazy enough to do that too."

"Oh..." Kefka looked puzzled, but continued to follow her.

:

The sun began to set as they made their way to Lindblum by foot.

"Ooooh, isn't the sunset romaaaantic?" Kefka giggled, hopping alongside Kuja in his usual show of boundless energy.

"You'll look for any excuse to get in my skirt, won't you?" She sighed lightly.

"Uh huh!" He nodded vigorously. "There's no point in trying otherwise."

She arched a brow. "What would you do if I ever actually consented to doing... that?"

"I'd probably die from happiness," he said with a grin.

"You're already dead, Kefka."

"Uwee, I know!" he giggled, clasping his hands together at the notion.

"You'd probably have a seizure or something," Kuja said with a laugh.

"Something like that!" Kefka hopped a few times. "Was that invitation, Kuja-doll?"

She paused, barely able to repress the urge to deck him. "No, it was not!"

"Just checking!" he giggled. Leaning toward her, he whispered. "After all, you know what they say about men with big wings..."

Kuja moved her arm to strike him, but stopped, looking up at the darkening sky.

"Did you hear that?"

He tilted his head. "Hear what?"

Not far away a loud monster-ish roar sounded.

"That."

The ground in front of them exploded as a large blast of lightning struck it. They managed to duck away, but Kuja tripped in the process and hit the ground hard.

"What's that?" Kefka shouted as he helped Kuja to her feet. A massive green form landed in front of them.

"A Grand Dragon," she said, rubbing her wrist and wincing.

The dragon looked down at them and let out a menacing growl.

"How does it see us?" Kefka wondered. "We're not supposed to be visible!"

"Monsters don't follow quite the same rules as people do," Kuja said.

"What do you think we should do?"

"Running seems like a really good idea," she said as the Grand Dragon cast Thundaga on them again. The electricity hit them both, throwing them to the ground.

"Kuja!" Kefka managed to get back to his feet and darted over to where she had fallen. "Are you alright?"

"Damn..." she groaned in response.

"C'mon, lets get away from this damn monster," Kefka said as the dragon began to charge for another attack.

"If I can just hit it..." Kuja stumbled to her feet.

She cast Flarestar on the Grand Dragon. It stunned the monster for a moment before it retaliated with Thundaga. She hit the ground hard.

"Kuja-doll!" Kefka ran over to her. He gave her a light shake, but there was no response. He looked back over his shoulder as the dragon roared. "Uh-oh..."

Just as the dragon was about to attack again, a bright bolt of red and pink light streaked down from the dusky sky and struck the monster in the back. The Grand Dragon collapsed with a loud roar, its eyes still wide from the shock of the deadly blow.

The light coalesced into a form that hopped off of the monster's back. The light faded further as the figure approached, revealing a more familiar form.

"You guys really need to be more careful wandering out here."

end chapter 24


	25. Angels (FO, part 4)

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. Uh huuuuh. Still no Sephiroth? My bad...

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 25: Angels (FO: Part 4)

"You?" Kefka stood up in surprise as the figure approached.

"Hey, no need to get upset," Zidane said with a nervous laugh. He leaned over the unconscious form of Kuja, giving her a light tap on the forehead with his sword. (The Angel Bless, wouldn't you know.) "Hey, wake up."

Kuja groaned, her eyes fluttering open after a moment. "Whu... Zidane?"

"In the flesh!" He grinned. "Well, in the spirit at least."

"What are you doing here?" Kefka asked as Kuja got to her feet.

"Saving your butts, I think," Zidane said, motioning to the dead dragon. Kuja brushed her skirt off as she looked at the fallen monster.

"Thanks..."

"Don't mention it," he said with another forced laugh. "It's kinda my fault you guys are here anyways. I thought I'd just lend a helping hand."

"I don't get it, though," Kuja said. She adjusted her jacket, ignoring the lecherous look from Kefka. "I thought that you weren't allowed to help in this matter."

"Well, technically I'm not supposed to," Zidane said, his tail swishing. "But I'm allowed to help if I really want to..."

"You really want to?" she looked surprised.

He nodded. "Yeah, I do. I was just as responsible for bringing the Genomes to Gaia as you were... more so, since I could have just left them all there to die."

"Which goes against your nature."

"Uh huh." The blond head bobbed in another nod. "And now the Genomes have practically overrun the planet. They control every continent, except the Mist continent. Right now they just control Alexandria."

"But they plan on killing the regent of Lindblum in order to start a war that will let them get the rest of the Mist Continent," Kuja said evenly.

"That's right. The royal family of Alexandria is pretty much descended from one of my and Garnet's kids," Zidane explained. "Our daughter, Synth. She was the only one of our kids born with a tail. The others had horns, but since Synth was the oldest, she inherited the throne. She married a Genome. Their heirs married Genomes... after a few generations, the royal family in Alexandria was completely composed of Genomes. That's how they got situated here."

"So it really is your fault."

He blushed. "Yeah." Zidane cleared his throat and shook his head quickly. "The Preventative Measures agency didn't want me to get involved, because they were worried that I wouldn't be willing to off one of my own descendents."

"Are you?" Kefka piped up.

"After this long the blood ties aren't as strong as they used to be," Zidane said in a serious tone. "I can take a tangible form too, Kuja. I... I want to help you two."

"Welll..." she looked over her shoulder at Kefka, who shrugged lightly. "I guess it's alright for you to tag along for now..."

"Great!" Zidane said, shouldering his Angel Bless. "Oh, and I've got a letter for you." He fished a piece of paper out of his pocket. "From Sephiroth."

Kefka's lip curled as Kuja took the paper from her brother. "What's he up to..."

"He was looking for you two," Zidane explained. "Seems you've been gone awhile."

"Like he cares," Kefka grumbled.

"'Hey, where are you guys? Hope you come back soon, the Cat is getting on my nerves. Kefka, you'd better not touch Kuja. If you do, well, you know the consequences...'" Kuja paused as Kefka laughed sarcastically. "...Kuja, come back in one piece. Why not try to leave him behind while you're at it? See you, Sephiroth.'"

"That sword-toting putz!" Kefka stomped his foot.

"Hey!" Zidane clutched his sword defensively.

"He meant Sephiroth, not you," Kuja said with a chuckle.

"...Oh."

"Still trying to one-up me," Kefka muttered as they continued the trek to Lindblum.

"You know, Zidane, I thought you said that you didn't skip ahead in the story," Kuja said thoughtfully after a few minutes.

"Hmm?" the blonde Genome tilted his head. "Oh, you mean with me watching things progress... well, I'm allowed to skip ahead if the time calls for it."

"Eh," she said with a light shrug. "So tell us, if the Genomes have so much power, why don't they start a war outright? Why depend on this Annel Torvel guy to get the job done?"

"It's all about placing blame," Zidane said. "If this Torvel guy is unsuccessful at completing the job, the blame for the attempt will only go to him, and not to all of Alexandria."

"Like when the old regent of Lindblum had you boys kidnap Princess Garnet," Kuja said.

"How'd you know about that?"

Kuja shrugged mildly. "I knew an awful lot back then."

Zidane withheld the obvious comeback, and continued with his explanation. "On top of merely being appointed by the royalty of Alexandria to commit this crime, Annel Torvel is also a bit of a religious fanatic."

"The papers I got didn't really say anything about that..."

Zidane shrugged and then grinned. "Remember, I sit around and watch things all the time. So I kinda know what's going on."

"Then enlighten us, brother of Kuja," Kefka drawled.

"I am, if you'll let me continue."

Kefka and Kuja stuck their tongues out at the blond as he briefly turned to check for monsters.

"All right, anyhow..." Zidane turned back to the villains. "Annel Torvel is a member of 'Si Moneum tansi Kujat'."

"Translation?" Kefka piped up.

"'The Church of the Angels'," Kuja supplied. Zidane nodded.

"You mean like in that chapel you blew up!" Kefka giggled.

"You blew up a church?" Zidane balked. She shrugged.

"I was upset."

Zidane shook his head. "I guess I shouldn't expect anything better from you two."

"Of course not!"

Zidane cleared his throat. "The church started off as more of a cult, a few hundred years after I died. They believe in a higher form, a god per say, but they believe that he conducts all his business through two angels."

"The Soul Destroyer and the Soul Restorer."

"Well, that's what they're called now. Originally they...well, we were referred to as the angels of Life and Death. Somewhere along the line, they started referring to the Angel of Death as a fallen angel-a demon- and the titles were changed."

Kuja grumbled under her breath.

"Torvel thinks that he has been given permission by the Soul Destroyer to kill the regent," Zidane continued. "He thinks that the Destroyer will give him the power he needs to complete the task."

"Why me and not you?"

"Because he's trying to kill someone, not save their life," he said simply.

"Oh..."

"And he thinks you'll protect him from the wrath of the Soul Restorer."

Kuja laughed shortly. "Fat chance."

"The church is a bit twisted, really," Zidane said. "They fear both the angel and the demon, and yet they pray to both for protection and aid."

"Strange."

"What about the god that they serve?" Kefka wondered. "Do they fear him?"

Zidane shook his head. "Not really. They view the god as something of a mediator between the angel and the demon."

"Pooh," Kefka sighed.

"They recognize the need for both the angel and the demon, which is why they pray to both," Zidane said. "Life and death are both needed to keep existence in balance."

"Then why did they try to destroy me?" Kuja said with a sour expression.

"Because they didn't think you were the real Soul Destroyer, probably."

"Yeah, they called you a representation, Kuja-doll," Kefka added.

"That's right...they thought I was just another run of the mill demon," she grumbled. "I'll show them run of the mill!"

"I think you already did, uwee hee hee!"

It had grown dark while they walked.

"How much longer is it until Lindblum, anyways?" Kuja said irritably. "I'm getting sick of walking."

"I could carry you," Kefka offered cheerily.

"No, you can not," she retorted a bit too quickly. Zidane snickered.

"You would think that the Preventative Measures people would have picked someone less whiny for this job..."

"I'm not whiny!" Kuja huffed. "I'm cranky!"

"You'd be cranky too if you'd been Thundaga'd on a few times," Kefka said. Zidane rolled his eyes.

"For villains, you two sure have gotten wimpy."

Kefka and Kuja glowered. Zidane sweatdropped, raising his hands in defense.

"Just... kidding?"

"You'd better be," Kuja growled. Kefka nodded sharply in agreement.

"But, uh... anyways, Lindblum should just be after this next mountain."

"That's what you said three mountains ago," Kefka snapped.

"I did? Oh, well, I mean it this time!"

:

Under the twin covers of darkness and invisibility, the trio eventually made their way into the massive city of Lindblum. Zidane hopped along eagerly, with the villains trailing behind tiredly. Despite the late hour, there was still a fair amount of traffic on the streets. They chose to remain invisible for the time being. They stopped at a city park a short distance within the castle town walls.

"I'm bushed," Kefka sighed, sitting heavily on one of the park benches. "Can't we stop for a little while a rest?"

"You're dead," Zidane said, annoyed. "You don't need to rest!"

"Says you," he said, closing his eyes.

"Besides, what if Annel Torvel is heading towards the regent's residence right now?" Zidane paced, tail twitching anxiously.

"Why don't you scout ahead, since you're so energetic," Kuja suggested, flopping onto the bench next to Kefka. "And we'll wait here for you."

"Fine! Sit here on your lazy asses, and I'll go find out where Torvel is!"

"Sounds good to me," Kefka said, slumping over a bit and resting his head on Kuja's shoulder. She sweatdropped, but didn't move him.

"Once a hero, always a hero," she said lightly.

"Yeah! I'll go find Torvel..." He shifted the Angel Bless on his back. Tail swishing, Zidane stomped off in the direction of the castle.

"Idiot," Kuja muttered under her breath.

They sat in silence for several minutes, the only sounds coming from the night traffic in the city around them. Eventually, Kefka shifted a bit.

"Is he gone?" the blond whispered.

"Yeah, he's gone," she nodded slowly.

"Good," Kefka sat up, brushing a few stray blond hairs as he did so. "Your brother is terribly annoying."

"Yeah. Don't worry, we'll get rid of him soon enough."

"Times like this I'm glad I went to Hell, so that I don't have to put up with those goody-goodies forever," he said, a wry grin twisting his blood red lips. Kuja laughed softly before stifling a yawn.

"Zidane means well, which I suppose is part of the problem..." she yawned again. "He just, I dunno..."

"Is annoying."

She laughed again, leaning heavily against Kefka. "Ugh, I need a nap..."

"You and your naps," he smiled. She shrugged lightly.

"I've always been a napper... even when I was alive..."

"Well, I'll wake you up when Zidane gets ba-" Kefka paused, looking at Kuja. Her head had nodded a few times before dropping against his shoulder. "Uwee, not such a bad idea."

Both villains were asleep when Zidane came running back about an hour later.

"You guys! Wake up! I found Torvel!"

"Hunnh?" Kuja lifted her head, blinking groggily. "Say what?"

"I found Torvel," Zidane repeated. "He's in a little chapel down on the other side of town."

"Good for him," she muttered, elbowing Kefka.

"He's been praying to the Soul Destroyer... based on what I heard, he plans to go kill the regent during the guard change just before daybreak."

"Oh...Then I guess we'd better get going..." she punched Kefka in the arm. He snorted lightly, inhaling in noisy surprise as he lifted his head.

"Whaaa?"

"Zidane found Torvel," Kuja said, indicating the Genome who was pacing in front of them. "Time to go."

"Great," Kefka rubbed his eyes. "Let's get this stupid charade over with already."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

"Just what is our plan anyways?" Kuja looked at Zidane, who shrugged.

"We'll see when we get there, I guess..."

-

end chapter 25


	26. Showdown (FO, part 5)

Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. And the before before that, and so on, and so forth... Note: This chapter is mostly drama and violence. Not much humor. ; I'm sorry! I'll do better next time!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 26: Showdown (FO: Part 5)

"So that's him?"

"Uh huh."

"You're _sure_?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Zidane hissed. "I heard him say his name while he was doing his prayers!"

"I guess god really does listen to people's prayers," Kefka said wryly. Kuja rolled her eyes.

"So what are we gonna do?" she wondered.

"I think I have an idea..."

:

"_Si renkan kuja zidoi quiy dane kam si dane zida..._"

A fairly young man with long blonde hair and a long crème colored tailed was kneeling in front of an altar. The altar, notably, was very similar in appearance to the one that Kuja had recently destroyed in Alexandria.

"_Quiy vamp Annel Torvel.. Si dane moreotai zidoi quiy dane... zenallo qui paoro quiy gesho... zenallo quiy dane... Si renkan kuja zidoi quiy dane kam si dane zida..._"

His dark blue eyes were closed tightly shut. He was so focused in prayer that he did not see or hear the form materialize behind him.

"_Quiy vamp Annel Tor_—"

"I know what your name is," Kuja said evenly, her still-masculine voice reverberating throughout the chapel. Annel Torvel gasped softly in surprise.

"_Si dane moreotai?_"

"Do not call me the Soul Destroyer," she sighed in annoyance. "My name is Kuja. Use it... with respect."

"A-as you wish..."

"Now get up and face me."

Torvel obeyed swiftly, rising to his feet and turning to face the 'demon'. His eyes widened.

"What foolishness is this?" he whispered. "You cannot be the Soul Destroyer!"

"And why not?"

"B-because the Soul Destroyer was male!"

Kuja narrowed her eyes. "Some facts are bound to change over time."

"So the Soul Destroyer was female..." Torvel said softly.

"She is _now_," Kuja snapped. "Got it?

Torvel nodded his head respectfully. "Yes, K-kuja."

"Now, why are you praying to me?" Kuja asked slowly.

"Did you not hear my words? I'm sorry, my Terran is not very good."

"I heard your words," she said. "But why do you want my aide?"

"To help me kill this regency's ruler!" Torvel said with a smile. "It has been ordained by the King of Alexandria!"

"And you want me to protect you from the Soul Restorer?"

Torvel nodded vigorously. "Oh, yes, great Kuja, please protect me from the Soul Restorer. He will do everything in his power to prevent me from completing my deed!"

She tilted her head a bit. "What makes you think that the Soul Restorer is even paying attention?"

"You were paying attention enough to hear my prayers, weren't you?"

"Not exac..." Kuja paused thoughtfully. "Not in the way that you may think."

"But you came! It must be because you want to aide and protect me!"

Kuja sighed, shaking her head softly. "Why should I help you?"

Torvel paused, looking at her as if she was crazy. "I wish to destroy! You are the protector of destructive forces, are you not?"

"Well, no, I mean..." Kuja bit her lip. "You guys have misinterpreted me, I think."

He shook a finger at her, brightening suddenly. "I know! This is a test, isn't it?"

She blinked. "A test?"

"Yes! A test to challenge my faithfulness! To see if I'm truly worth of your protection!" His dark eyes glimmered hopefully. "That's it, isn't it?"

Kuja opened her mouth to speak, but stopped suddenly. The words caught in her throat, and her eyes rolled back in her head. She slumped to the floor in a heap at Torvel's feet. The Genome gasped with a mixture of terror and surprise.

A tall form materialized, standing at Kuja's feet.

Torvel's eyes widened. "Th-the Soul Protector!" He took a few steps back.

Zidane shouldered the Angel Bless, narrowing his eyes at the younger man. He glanced down at Kuja's motionless form.

"She will be troubling me no longer."

"Please do not harm me!" Torvel gasped. Zidane's lip curled in a sneer, causing him to look disturbingly similar to Kuja.

"You wish to murder the regent of Lindblum, and I cannot allow that," he said in an even voice.

"But I have to! I've been ordered to!"

Zidane looked down at Kuja again, and then back to Torvel. He pointed at the altar behind them. "Tell me..."

"Wh-what?"

Zidane stepped around them, going up to the altar. He studied the Terran inscriptions that covered the altar. Torvel turned, standing nervously next to him.

"Do you really kill all the violet haired children that are born?" Zidane asked softly.

Torvel blinked. "Yes, of course we do!"

A blond brow arched. "But why? What good will it do?"

"The Soul Destroyer will attempt to the return to the world using the body of a violet haired child," Torvel said. "It's written in the ancient texts."

He frowned. "Then your ancestors were fools. Why would someone as powerful as the Soul Destroyer risk using a weak Genome as a vessel?" Zidane blinked slowly at the irony of his words.

"Because h-she is a demon, of course!" Torvel said.

"Did it ever occur to you that perhaps the Soul Destroyer and the Soul Destroyer were just two Genomes? Just like yourself?"

Torvel shook his head. "That is nonsense."

"No, nonsense is using your religious fears as an excuse to kill children," an angry voice rattled behind them. Torvel turned quickly, but Zidane continued to stare at the altar.

"Y-you! But he—"

"You are a murderous fool, Annel Torvel," Kuja growled. "And you deserve to die."

"Wh-what? I thought—"

"You thought wrong!"

"Kuja, stop!" Zidane shouted. "What he's doing may be wrong, but I can't allow you to kill him."

"Oh, thank you!" Torvel looked at Zidane with a smile.

"You cannot stop me!" Kuja growled. She leapt forward, but was swiftly intercepted by Zidane. He pulled a long dagger from his belt, stabbing it into the exposed flesh at Kuja's midsection.

"I must stop you," Zidane said softly. Their eyes locked. Kuja snarled softly, pulling back and fist and hitting Zidane hard enough to send him flying into the altar.

"Oh my!" Torvel retreated a few feet, looking for a safer place to stand. "Is this matter really so great?"

Kuja pulled the blade from her stomach. There was no mark left behind. "I cannot be hurt with live weapons, you fool." The dagger hit the floor with a noisy clatter. "But if you want a demon, you can have one!"

Zidane winced, getting back to his feet. "Suit yourself!"

Torvel shielded his eyes as both Genomes were bathed in an angry swirl of bright blue light. He dropped his hands as the light faded, staring dumbly.

"Wh-what trickery is this?"

"Pink is so not your color, Zidane," Kuja sneered, long red tail lashing at the air.

"At least I'm not all pale and red and... and... feathery!"

"Great comeback," she said, tossing her hair.

Trance Zidane paused, looking at himself for a moment. "You're right, it is kind of a funny color."

"You're not as stylish as me," Kuja said with a wicked grin.

"Stylish? Ha! You're about as stylish as a chocobo in heat!"

"Shut up!" she growled.

"And I may not be stylish, but I can still destroy you!"

"Not if I destroy you first!" Kuja balled her fists at her side.

"I'd like to see you try," Zidane growled, raising an arm to attack.

"Fine!"

He threw down the energy that had been gathering in his palm.

"Grand Lethal!"

She flared her arms at her side.

"Ultima!"

It only took the smallest last minute adjustment to change the attacks' course.

Annel Torvel never saw it coming.

:

"Miss Tribal, it's alright. You can wake up now," a soft raspy voice said. Kuja cracked her eyes open, looking up into the face of a demonesse. Kefka shoved the attendant aside with a giggle, leaning over Kuja. He gave her a lecherous grin.

"Don't get started," Kuja said weakly, sitting up. She rubbed her head. "Think we overdid it?"

"Naaaah," Kefka giggled and shook his head.

"Are we back in hell?"

He nodded. "Yup. Got pulled back after you vaporized that Torvel guy."

She laughed softly. "What about Zidane?"

"He sent a line... he's planning to stay on Gaia for a little while longer, to make sure that the Alexandrian royalty doesn't try the same thing again."

"He always was a goody goody like that." Kuja frowned briefly, rubbing her forehead. Kefka tilted his head curiously.

"You okay, doll? Zidane didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No, no, I'm fine." She looked up at him with a smile. "I'm feeling much better, actually."

Kefka blinked. "Better? Were you sick?"

She shook her head. "No, not like that. I mean... All my life I was a failure—I never really got to do my job as well as I would have liked. And since I died... well..."Kuja's fingers clenched briefly. "It's hard to kill someone in Hell, you know?"

He smiled. "The killing instinct lives on, eh?"

"Of course. I'm still _si _Kuja _tan _Tribal, after all."

"Well, Angel," Kefka chuckled, helping Kuja down from the transport table. "We're supposed to head back to the Preventative Measures office to talk to Dr. Lerownzz, but..."

She looked at him as they exited the building. "But what?"

"You want to get a drink first?"

Kuja laughed and nodded. "Sure. I could go for a drink."

They headed for the mall.

"So, what did you think of Gaia?"

"It was nice. A lot like my own planet, except..."

"Hmm?"

"Your planet had a lot more depth."

-  
_End chapter 26_


	27. Romance for Dummies

Disclaimers and Notes: You know the drill. Square owns Final Fantasy and all its characters. The story and any characters that I create belong to me. Mmyup.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 27: Romance for Dummies

Sephiroth sat at the table. He glared at the two still-empty chairs, and then to the Gimme Cat who was busy gnawing on his side of the table. And then back to the empty chairs.

"Stupid letch…" Sephiroth grumbled, tapping his sword on the edge of the table.

"Don't you have anything better to do than sit there and bitch?" Meow x17 paused in his gnawing.

"Don't you have anything better to do than eat our table?" the bishounen responded.

"You're just bitter 'cause you lost," the Cat smirked. Sephiroth glared at him.

"What do you mean, I lost?"

"She took Kefka along instead of you," Meow x17 said matter-of-factly.

"So? That doesn't mean anything."

"I think you know what it means."

A pause.

"Shut up!"

"Run out of comebacks, eh?"

Sephiroth glared again, and continued to grumble.

The Cat picked his teeth. "Now what?"

"She can't really like him, can she?"

"Face it, your fabulous looks and big-ass sword were not enough to win her over."

Sephiroth pouted. "Prove it."

"What proof do you need?!"

The bishounen growled. "Prove it, or I shall continue to whine!"

Meow x17 wiggled his wings. "You'll whine either way."

"Hmph."

"Alright, you want proof?"

Sephiroth nodded.

"Shall we review things? First, Kefka. He obviously likes Kuja, just like you do."

"Well, _duh_, that's the issue here."

"Can it! I'm reviewing! Kefka has put a whole lot more effort into this whole chasing Kuja thing than you have."

"I didn't think I _needed_ to," Sephiroth said. "Kefka usually doesn't count as competition in these things."

"Pheh. And as for Kuja... she's stayed here at this table, for one thing. And she somehow manages to tolerate all the stupid lecherous things that Kefka does on an hourly basis..."

"Anyone could do that."

"Doubtful. You know she's been the first to stay." Meow x17 chewed on a claw. "And she's a lot more physical in her dealings with him than with you."

"Say what?!"

"It's true. She beats the snot out of him, but you just get your hair pulled and water dumped on your head."

"Wouldn't that mean the opposite then?"

"Not when you're dealing with the fine art of flirting."

"It's not an art."

"That's what you say, but Kefka's the one who got the girl."

"He did not!" Sephiroth growled.

"Oh come on! She took him with her and not you. And they've been gone for ages."

He glowered at the empty chairs. "I'm going to kick his ass when they get back."

"That might incur the wrath of his girlfriend," Meow x17 said mockingly.

Sephiroth shook his head hard. "Don't even suggest that term!" He held his forehead.

"She's even met his mother," Meow x17 added thoughtfully. "And if what he told me is true, Kuja even told his mother than she was voluntarily let him hit on her and stuff."

"Lies!" Sephiroth sputtered, still holding his head.

"It's no lie, and you know it!" the Cat hissed.

"Listen, just because you--" Sephiroth stopped in mid-rant as Kefka arrived at the table. He was carefully carrying a dozing Kuja. "Speak of the devil."

Kefka gave the bishounen the briefest of glances, then continued with his task. He attempted to sit Kuja down in her chair, but this proved difficult since she had a death-grip on his collar.

"Hey, so you guys actually decided to come back," Meow x17 snickered as he peered up over the edge of the table. Kefka smiled thinly.

"Not like we had a choice, eh?" He resorted to sitting in his own seat, still holding Kuja.

Sephiroth looked at the dozing woman, who was a bit paler than usual. Her last trance had apparently used up more energy than normal, mainly because she had had to force it out of her system.

"Why is she so pale?" Sephiroth hissed at Kefka. "And why is she asleep? And why are _you_ carrying her?!"

"She was just doing her job; she's tired from doing her job; there was no one else to carry her back."

Sephiroth blinked, not having expected such a systematic set of answers from the man.

"Well, what did you do to her anyways?!"

"That's for me to know, and you to bitch about," Kefka said with a sneer.

"You pervert! You probably groped her all the way back here, didn't you?!"

"Even if I did, it's none of your business!" Kefka shot back. Kuja murmured in her sleep.

"Why don't you put her down already?"

"I can't!" he motioned to where Kuja's fingers were curled tightly around the red and yellow silk at Kefka's neck. Sephiroth frowned.

"Hopefully she'll knock some sense into you when she wakes up," he grumbled.

"You want me to do what?" Kuja's voice trailed up, thick with sleep. She cracked an eye open just enough so that a line of white and blue was visible.

"Knock some sense into Kefka," Sephiroth said slowly. She blinked at him a few times, taking a moment to register his identity.

"Mmm, we're back?" she murmured, shifting a bit. "And...what'd Kefka do this time?"

"I suspect that he groped you," the bishounen said with a growl.

There was a long pause, punctuated by a faint giggle from Kefka.

Kuja's eyes popped fully open, and she looked up at the blonde. He giggled again and grinned.

"Good morning, Kuja-doll, uwee hee!"

She sweatdropped. "Kefka, why didn't you put me in my own chair?!"

"Well, for one thing, I couldn't," he said, indicating her grip on his collar with a tilt of his head.

With a blush she released her grip. "Is there another reason..." She paused, brushing the wrinkle from his collar. "...that I should know about?"

"Uwee hee, well... that, and you looked awfully comfortable right where you were!" A blushed tinted his pale cheeks as he giggled yet again.

She raised her hand in an automatic response to hit him, but stopped.

"Aw, come on!" Sephiroth shouted from the other side of the table. "That clearly deserved a good slap! Maybe two!"

"Maybe so," Kuja said, dropping her hand back down, "but right now I need a drink."

"Excuses, excuses," Sephiroth muttered to himself, slumping back in his own chair.

"Now, put me down, you big lug," she said, looking back up at Kefka. He grinned.

"The lady gets as the lady demands," he said, standing up and depositing her in her own chair. Kefka brushed a few wrinkles from his front before sitting back down.

"You two are pathetic, meow," Meow x17 said as Kuja motioned for the waitress.

"Tell me about it," Sephiroth grumbled.

Kuja whispered to the waitress after she arrived. "Yes, a bloody moogle for me, and..." She whispered the rest of the order into the waitress's ear, gesturing the others at the table. The waitress smiled and nodded, departing.

"You ordered us something?" Meow x17 said doubtfully. Kuja nodded.

"You know giving Kefka alcohol isn't the smartest thing in the world," Sephrioth added. She gave him a brief glare.

"Are you insinuating that I'm stupid?"

"Uh, no!" he shook his head quickly.

"Didn't think so."

"Uwee hee hee..."

Sephiroth glared at Kefka, and the blonde smirked in return. Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

"Here ya'll go..." the waitress growled as she returned with a tray. She set the bloody moogle in front of Kuja, and a dish of slightly blue tinted cream in front of Meow x17. The Cat wasted no time in hopping on the table and commencing the slurping.

The waitress last set two identical glasses down on the table, one in front of Kefka, and the other in front of Sephiroth. Each glass contained a clear liquid, and had a lemon wedge stuck on the rim of the glass.

"Oooh, lemon-wedgie!" Kefka giggled, plucking the wedge from the side of the glass. Sephiroth eyed the glass doubtfully, then looked at Kefka. The villain gave the lemon wedge a little lick, and then downed half the contents of the glass. He winced for a moment, then: "Mmm, lemony."

"What is it?" Sephiroth wondered, looking into the glass.

"Drink and see for yourself," Kuja said.

"You might be trying to poison us," Sephiroth said. She laughed.

"Kefka drank it, and he's fine."

"He's drunk drain cleaner before and been fine," the bishounen pointed out.

"Just shut up and try it," Meow x17 paused in his drinking. "Not like it'll kill you or anything."

"True..." Sephiroth watched as Kefka finished his glass and gave a defeated shrug. "Here goes..." Sephiroth took a gulp from the glass, wincing as he swallowed.

"Uwee hee," Kefka hiccupped, playing with his lemon wedge.

"Well?" Kuja sipped her drink.

"Blech!" Sephiroth made a face. "What the hell was that? It tasted horrible!"

Kefka dropped the wedge into his glass. "I know what it was..."

"Hmm?" she cast a curious glance on him.

"What was it?" Sephiroth frowned down at the glass.

"Tap water."

"Ack!" he pushed the glass away. "No wonder it tasted so terrible!"

"Wimp," Kuja said with a smirk.

Kefka stared down at the glass. He fidgeted after a moment.

"Something wrong?" Kuja wondered as she finished her drink.

"N-no..." he shook his head slowly.

"Funny, your eyes are getting a bit buggier than usual, and you're fidgeting," she said slowly.

Kefka flushed. "It's nothing!"

"I betcha he just has to piss," Sephiroth said, glaring down at his glass of water.

"Shut up!"

"That would be it," he smirked.

"Kefka, if you have to go to the bathroom, then why don't you just go?"

Kefka hesitated before responding. "I don't want to leave you alone with Sephiroth for that long!"

"Hey, what about me?" Meow x17 huffed. "I count!"

"Not as a threat, though," Kefka said, glaring at Sephiroth. The silver haired man returned the glare.

"You've hogged her for long enough, let someone else have a turn!"

"Boys!" Kuja shouted. They paused, looking at her. She glared at Sephiroth for a moment, then turned back to Kefka. "If you really feel that strongly about it, I'll stand in line with you."

Kefka blinked rapidly in surprise. "You will?"

She nodded.

"What?!" Sephiroth balked. "You mean you'd rather stand in line with him for who knows how long, instead of sitting here with me?"

All occupants of the table stared at her with interest.

Kuja looked between Sephiroth and Kefka, and then swallowed hard. "Yes."

"Uwee..."

"Hell..." Sephiroth's sword hit the floor noisily. "This is hell!!"

"Glad you could finally catch up with the rest of us," Kefka said, getting to his feet.

"Oh, just shut up and leave already," Sephiroth grumbled.

"See you two later," Kuja said, getting to her feet.

"Have fun, meow!" Meow x17 called as they walked off to the red bathroom hall door.

Kefka glared over his shoulder at Sephiroth, wrapping a possessive arm around Kuja's waist. She blinked a few times in surprise, a strange feeling of deja-vu overtaking her.

He pushed the door open, leading her through. Kefka cleared his throat as they got in line.

"You know," he said in a low voice, "I kept my promise, sort of."

She blinked again. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"Don't you remember, a long time ago... I said that I'd go with you next time."

"Next time?"

He gestured down the long hall to the bathroom door. "Next time."

"O-oh..."

"And..." he tilted his head up, whispering in her ear. "I said that I would find out what else you had under your skirt, other than that tail..."

Kuja blushed, glancing down. "That explains the deja-vu."

-----

_end chapter 27_


	28. The Girl in Cell 42

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a mocking scornful laugh, because my armor has Flameproof on it. :P)  
Notes: Yes, I realize that it's been...um... well, a year and a half or so since I wrote chapter 27. But if you're here reading this, then...good! Have fun! Please let me know if you like this chapter, so that I might be influenced to finish the darn story...

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 28: The Girl in Cell 42

Two sorceresses were sitting at the bar in the 'Final Fantasy Villains' room.

"So, didja hear?"

"Hear?"

"That purple haired girl finally snapped."

"Did she? That must've been the noise I heard the other day."

"Yep. Freaked out while in the bathroom and blew it up. They're still fixing it."

"Ooh, that explains why the line's so long today." The sorceresses looked at the bathroom hall door. "Not that I'm _surprised_ that she snapped, or anything. I mean, anyone would go crazy after hanging around that blonde menace."

"I'm surprised she lasted that long."

A pause. "Yeah, 27 chapters, wow!"

:

The blonde menace was slouched, chin smooshed into the tabletop. He was pouting, and giving his best wounded chicobo look to the silver haired man seated across the table. Sephiroth didn't look any happier, and was hugging his sword. There were an array of empty shot glasses on the table in front of him.

"Sephirooooth..."

"Oh, sweet mother of hairballs, please don't start whining again," Meow x17 sighed from where he was trying to nap underneath the remains of a newspaper.

"I miss Kujaaaa!"

"Yeah, me too." Sephiroth waved down the waitress after determining that there was nothing drinkable in front of him.

"You still drinkin', Sephiroth?" the waitress sighed as she neared the table.

"Yeah, Elena. Another double bloody Moogle, please."

Kefka mused, as best he could, while watching the waitress clear a few of the shot glasses off the table. He and Kuja had gone to the bathroom. Well, he'd gone first, and been evicted from the waiting hall due to the rather nasty mood of the line that day. He'd been waiting for Kuja to return, when there had been a long shrill scream followed by an explosion. He had recognized the voice immediately, of course, but was unable to see what was going on due to the sudden mass exodus of the waiting hall. Demons from Hell's Bells had arrived a few minutes later.

The last Kefka had seen of Kuja was the demons toting away her unconscious red-feathered form.

That had been a month ago, and Kefka still didn't know what had really happened. Kuja had seemed perfectly fine before..

"How long until we can visit her?" Kefka asked, for the hundredth time in the last week.

"They said there were no visits for the first thousand years," Sephiroth said. Kefka arched a brow, surprised that the bishounen had been able to remember that.

"Probably shouldn't go anytime soon anyways," he mumbled, recalling the last time he'd visited Hell's Bells.

Sephiroth frowned. "I don't really want to ever have to go back there again, myself."

Kefka resumed his pouting. "You'll go."

:

In Hell's Bells, it was always a bit dark in the cell wings. And someone was always laughing.

For the last month, that someone had been Kuja.

She'd sat on the padded floor of cell 42, dropping out of Trance after a few hours. Then she'd started laughing. It was a low, weird, pained sound that would've bothered the orderlies if they hadn't heard it before. Kuja had spent the next month hunched over on the floor, with her hands pressed to her collarbone, laughing the same strange laugh.

By now her throat had gone dry and the laugh had become hoarse, but she showed no signs of stopping.

:

"Oooh, uncomfortable silence." The Gimme Cat was peering out from under his newspaper. Kefka was leaning back in his chair, looking embarrassed. Sephiroth was tapping his sword on the table, looking equally flushed.

"I really shouldn't have brought that memory up, eh?" Sephiroth said, voice wobbling nervously.

Kefka snorted lightly, looking away. "I'm surprised you could even remember, what with all that drinking you do."

"You wallow your way, I'll wallow mine."

"Hmph." He shook his head, ponytail swishing behind him. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Your loss."

"Indeeeed."

"That was _years_ ago, Kefka, I can't believe you're still bitter about it!" Sephiroth smacked his sword on the table. Kefka jumped a bit, snapping his head back toward the other man.

"I still hate you, you know! So of course I'm still bitter about it!" He stuck his tongue out with a loud "Pfft!"

"I think you two get less mature with time," the Cat sighed.

:

The aforementioned 'time' passed. In hell, it wasn't as important as it was to the living. Unless you were missing someone. A long time passed, and Kuja did not return from Hell's Bells. Kefka refused to accept that she might not come back at all, and refused to give up her empty chair to anyone, be they demon or man. Sephiroth remained at the table too, though his motives were unclear. With Kuja gone, he shouldn't have needed to stay. But he did...

"I think my butt's stuck to the chair," Kefka mumbled.

"I really needed to know that."

"How long has it been?"

"Not as long as you want it to be," Sephiroth said. "Quit asking."

"Sephiroth, what if she doesn't get better? What if she doesn't come back?" Kefka worried aloud, repeating the same thing he had been saying for the last long while.

"She'll get better, Kefka," Sephiroth sighed, shaking his head. "Everyone goes nuts eventually, and everyone gets better eventually."

"Yeah, but why'd she go crazy _now_?"

"Um...well... didn't she die differently?"

"She didn't die fighting, if that's what you mean. She died afterwards."

"Right... maybe she didn't go nuts upon arrival because of the way she died."

"But why now? What triggered it?!" Kefka thumped a gloved fist on the table.

"I dunno, really. But...everyone goes crazy eventually, Kefka. Everyone ends up in Hell's Bells."

"I didn't," Kefka sniffed in annoyance.

"Kefka..."

"I _didn't_!"

"We both did," Sephiroth said flatly.

"I don't want to remember that either!" Kefka's pale cheeks flushed angrily. "Quit bringing these things up! I don't know how you're even _remembering_ these things!"

Sephiroth picked up his glass and took a sip. He shrugged lightly. "By not thinking about them, I suppose."

"You're too stupid to think about them!!"

His green eyes glinted with anger for a moment, but it faded. "And you're still an angry little man."

Kefka nearly jumped out of his seat. "I'll show you little, you sword toting moron!"

Sephiroth's jaw tightened. "Temper, temper, Kefka. The last time you got mad like that, you ended up on--"

"Shut up!!" Kefka lurched forward, but ended up falling out of his seat. Sephiroth blinked in surprise, leaning down to look under the table.

"You alright?"

Kefka glared balefully. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!"

A faint grumble came from the Cat's chair. "I really need to find a new place to sleep."

:

Kuja sat in the cafeteria at Hell's Bells, glowering down at an empty plate and glass of orange juice. Several guards hovered a few feet away. She still had the bright red "unstable, approach with caution" tag on her wrist. Kuja sighed, looking at her nails.

"Good god, I need a manicure."

The man seated across the table from her shifted from his reverent gazing at his glass of orange juice. He looked down at his hands. "You're not the only one." Kuja blinked curiously and looked at the man, watching as he brushed a lock of strange blue hair out of his eyes.

"Ur, hello there."

"Hello," he smiled thinly. "What's a pretty thing like you doing with a red tag on her wrist?"

Kuja hesitated. "Oh, the usual."

"I see." He raised a hand to his chest and bowed his head with strange formality. "It is a pleasure to meet you, miss..."

"Um, Kuja."

"...Miss Kuja. My name is Seymour Guado."

"Pleased to meet you."

"Ah, no, the pleasure is all mine, I assure you," Seymour said. Kuja's tail twitched, and she tried not to cringe. This guy was seriously creeping her out.

Seymour apparently caught her vibe. "Don't worry," he said in the same low smooth, slightly whiny voice, "I can't hurt you."

"You...can't?"

"No..." He gave her a dazed smile. "I'm quite heavily drugged, according to the orderlies. Can't even feel my feet at the moment."

"That's horrible...I think."

"Mmm, yes, I suppose so. But my throat hurts anyway." He reached down and picked up his orange juice, giving it a sip.

Kuja squinted thoughtfully. "You're the screamer down in 55, aren't you?"

He nodded slowly. "And you were the laugher in 42, correct? Glad to hear you stopped. I couldn't hear myself scream."

A small blush crept across her cheeks. "Uh, why'd you stop screaming?"

"For the same reason you stopped laughing, I suppose."

"Meaning you don't really remember."

He nodded again. "Yes, that is correct." Seymour glanced over at the guards. "This place doesn't seem _too_ bad, except that I'm famished. Haven't been fed in years."

"There's no food here," Kuja said, taking a gulp of her orange juice. Seymour frowned.

"You must be joking."

"I wish I was. But I'm not. No food for us."

Seymour's dark blue eyes flashed in annoyance, and his brow wrinkled. Kuja watched the lines on his forehead wrinkle, and was vaguely reminded of someone, but she wasn't quite sure who.

"This place is _horrible_, to not give us food."

"No..." Kuja sighed. "This place is Hell."

:

It took Kefka awhile to realize that Sephiroth had (quite sneakily) managed to distract him from the heavier question of his worries.

"Sneaky bastard," Kefka muttered, narrowing his eyes at Sephiroth. The other man shifted uneasily--Kefka had developed the habit of trying to pummel him every time his brain floated back to the subject of Kuja.

Kefka thought. What if Kuja didn't come back?

True, she would return eventually, since this was the room she'd been assigned to, but...

"What if she doesn't want to sit with us anymore? What if they convince her that it's a bad idea? What if they do something to her that makes her not want to sit with us? What if they _tell_ her that she can't sit with us?!"

His eyes got big and shimmery, and for a moment Sephiroth was worried that the little psycho was going to cry. But then Kefka balled up a little hand into a fist and shook it in defiance at some unseen adversary.

"We can't let that happen, Sephiroth!"

Sephiroth sweatdropped. "When did this become a 'we' issue?"

Kefka tapped a red painted lip with an equally red nail. "Doesn't matter. It just is."

The bishounen sighed. "So what do you plan on doing, to prevent this...whatever...from happening?"

"I don't know, exactly, but... first, we're gonna go to Hell's Bells and see if Kuja's okay."

"But it hasn't been a thousand years yet, Kefka, we can't see her yet!"

"Well..." Kefka looked thoughtful for a minute, little blonde eyebrows drawing together. "Maybe if we walk reeeeally slow, then it'll be a thousand years by the time we get there!"

Sephiroth tapped his sword on the table again. "Wouldn't we have to walk really really slow for that to work?"

"Hm. What if we walked really slow _backwards_?"

"....that might work."

"Uwee!" Kefka hopped up from his seat, but then sat back down again quickly. "What do you say we have a few drinks first though, eh?"

"And if we drink them really slow, that'll take up even more time, won't it?"

"Ha! You're right, Sephiroth!" Kefka waved down the waitress. "First we drink, then we go save Kuja!"

"_Save_ her?" Sephiroth blinked. "I thought we were just going to see her."

"....same thing!"

-----

_end chapter 28_


	29. Shock Therapy

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a mocking scornful laugh, because my armor has Flameproof on it. :P)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 29: Shock Therapy

"Session 98f. Kuja Tribal. My my, getting close to your last session with me. How do you feel?"

There was a pause, then: "I want to rip your lungs out."

"Ha ha ha. Then that's an improvement over last year already. Let's see.. do you remember my name this time?"

"It's Dr. Demios, you moron." Kuja glared at her therapist. She hated therapy. Having her wrists taped together and her feet stuck to the floor didn't help either.

"Ha...yes." The therapist cleared his throat. "How are...things...?"

"The same."

"It's been 998 years, and there's been no change?"

"Still the same."

"I see. Interesting." The demon jotted something down. "Maybe it's permanent this time."

"I wish it'd make up it's damn mind."

"Ha ha ha. Don't we all." Dr. Demios looked down at his pad. "Hmm. We'd release you, you know, since...that...has apparently stabilized. But we can't until you quit attacking people when you're not on your meds."

"Isn't that a fucking pity."

:

"Are we there yet?"

"No, I don't think so."

Kefka and Sephiroth had stopped somewhere near the Great Mall of Hell, and were staring up at a big office building.

"MegaHappyEvil Industries," Kefka read. "Makers of fine computer software." The blonde cocked his head curiously. "What's a computer?"

"Don't worry 'bout it," Sephiroth said, leaning on the Masamune. "Just some fancy stuff that screws up a lot and makes grown men cry."

"Uwee hee, how evil!"

"Quite. And then they'll occasionally make more of it, but completely different and barely compatible with the previous version."

"Ooooh," Kefka wiggled his fingers. "Sounds like Magitech gone wrong!" He giggled to himself for a few minutes, cheeks still flushed from drinking.

Sephiroth teetered for a moment. "How much longer do we have?"

"Umm..." Kefka looked at his wrist. "Hmm." He tapped the bone there and looked up at the dark sulfurous sky. Kefka licked his forefinger and held it up in the stagnant air, cocking his head again. He squinted. "Mmm... I'm not really sure. But it should've almost been a thousand years by now."

"Are you sure?" Sephiroth looked behind them, back at the Mall. "We could probably go back and have a few more drinks to kill some time."

"And brain cells."

"Just the slow ones."

"....what?"

Sephiroth muffled a hiccup. "You know. Survival of the fittest. The alcohol kills off all the weak brain cells."

Kefka blinked a few times. "Right." He looked down the street toward Hell's Bells. "Maybe we should just go now and bug them until they let us see her!"

"Will that work?"

He scratched his pale nose. "Um....well, I think so."

:

They arrived at Hell's Bells awhile later, after realizing that, in their drunken stupor, they had already walked past the building. Twice. The guards manning the doors gave the villains a doubtful look, but let them in. Kefka staggered up to the front desk, a droopy silver-haired bishounen in tow.

"Ah, Mr. Palazzo. How may I help you today?" The demon behind the desk smiled at him thinly, fangs showing. Kefka flashed his own little fangs, pressing his palms against the top of the desk so that he didn't fall over.

"I want to visit something....ur...someone."

The demon blinked. "Anyone in particular?"

"Kujaaaa!" Sephiroth wailed, gripping Kefka's cloak. He looked distraught. Kefka cleared his throat.

"Uwee....hee...yes. A Miss Kuja--"

"Kujaaa!!"

"Shut up!" The blonde whirled on Sephiroth, yanking his cloak free and decking him in nearly the same movement.

"Oww!!"

"Uwee." Kefka turned back to the receptionist. "Miss Kuja Tribal." He ignored the whimper from Sephiroth.

"Miss Kuja Tribal...." the demon picked up a clipboard and flipped through the pages. He read, then stopped, hesitating. "Miss...?"

"Kuja Tribal!" Kefka snapped. "We want to see her!"

"....right." A pause. "I supposed it's been long enough." Brow arched, the demon set down the clipboard and picked up a small checklist.

"Oooh, I like this part!" Sephiroth giggled from the floor. Kefka sighed.

"Ahem. Alright, are either of you carrying anything that might be used as a weapon?"

"Does a really long sword count?"

"...not really."

"Then no."

"Are all your shots up to date?"

"Yeah, Kefka went to the vet last week--ow!!" Sephiroth ducked away from Kefka again.

"The asylum is not responsible for any damage you may incur while on the grounds. Are you insured?"

"We're dead!" Kefka chirped. He blinked a few times. "Oooh, I think I've said that before, uwee hee hee!"

The demon sighed. "Alright. I'll give you a visitor's pass, but you really shouldn't stay too long."

"Okay!"

"Shhh....she's in cell 42. In the third row. Please note that the records say her memory of more recent times might be fuzzy. Meaning she might not recognize you two immediately." The demon cleared his throat. "Enjoy your stay at Hell's Bells, gentlemen. Don't get readmitted."

:

The third row was lined with many doors, all looking basically the same. Each door had a little window, and a little sign above the window with a color-coded card rating the occupant's danger level. They found cell 42 and its orange sign easily enough.

Kefka peered into the little window, looking for Kuja. Sephiroth leaned to look over his shoulder.

"Hello, doll!" Kefka tapped on the plexiglass, ignoring the sign below the window that read "DO NOT TAP ON THE GLASS".

A few minutes passed before Kuja appeared in front of the window. She stared out at them with a blank look. Kuja looked from Kefka to Sephiroth, then blinked a few times.

"Kefka?"

"Uwee, yeah! And him too.."

Her gaze shifted again. "...Sephiroth."

"You remember!" He smiled. "They said you might not."

Kuja turned away from the door, shaking her head. "I remember you guys."

"Uwee hee hee... we're hard to forget." Kefka tilted his head curiously when Kuja turned back to face them. "Are you really alright? There's something different about you."

Sephiroth mimicked the head tilt. "There is?"

"Quit being so unbelievably dense, you lush," Kefka snapped, elbowing him.

"Ow, quit it!"

Kuja smiled thinly. "Ah, well, there is...um...something different, I guess."

"Oh, reeeeally?" Kefka perked. "What what what? Tell us!"

"You mean you can't really tell?" Kuja's nose wrinkled.

"Nope." Kefka tapped on the window again. "Tell."

She shook her head. "No, no, I can't! You'll hate me!"

"Aw, we won't hate you, doll! You're our most favorite bad girl in all of hell!"

Kuja hesitated, then sighed. "I'm not a girl anymore, Kefka."

The blonde blinked. "Come again?"

"I'm a _man_." Kuja's brow ticked. Kefka looked perplexed for a moment, and giggled lightly.

"Kuja-doll, I though we already went through this before."

"We did."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I was a guy. Then I was a girl. And now I'm a guy again."

Kefka stared blankly at Kuja for a moment, then looked at Sephiroth over his shoulder. The bishounen shrugged, looking clueless.

"Kuja..."

"_Look_," Kuja snapped, tugging the belt of her robe loose and pulling it open.

There was a long pause, before it occurred to them to look down.

"Uwee hee, wow, you really _are_ a guy, doll!" Kefka giggled, blushing. There was a THUNK behind them, and Kefka turned to see Sephiroth passed out cold on the floor.

"Sephiroth??" Kuja belted his robe shut and leaned against the door, peering through the little window.

Kefka leaned over him, patting his cheek. "I think you broke him, Kuja..."

Kuja rested his forehead on the window. "I knew you'd take it bad."

"N-no, it's not that, really..." Kefka cleared his throat. "We were just worried about you, that's all!"

"Sure you were."

"Really!" Kefka stood up, tapping on Kuja's forehead through the window. "Say, Kuja-doll...um...was that why you freaked out?"

He leaned back, rubbing the red spot on his forehead. "Wouldn't you freak out if every time you went to the bathroom there you were a different gender?"

"Ur...I guess so..." Kefka blinked. "You could just quit going to the bathroom there."

"That's not the point."

"I know, I know," he hopped a bit. "You don't look extremely volatile, doll."

"I'm heavily drugged," Kuja smirked. "Otherwise I can't make it through a session without Flare-ing my therapist."

"Oooh, Dr. Demios or Dr. Chloride?"

"Dr. Demios," Kuja said. "Chloride dropped me as one of his treatments after the third time I Flared him."

"Uwee hee, he always was a bit of a wimp."

He smiled crookedly, then blinked. "Wait, Kefka, how do you know that? You said you'd never been admitted."

Kefka hesitated. "Ah, yes....that."

Kuja narrowed his eyes. "You've been lying?"

"What?!" He looked a bit panicky. "No, no, no, it wasn't lying... not really, doll."

Kuja looked down at the orange tag on his wrist and frowned. "Then what the fuck is it?"

"Well.." Kefka took a step back, wary of being Flared through the window. "Everyone goes to Hell's Bells eventually, doll."

"You're not being very convincing."

"Ah...well..." He batted at his ponytail for a moment.

Kuja crossed his arms, glowering. "Spill it, blondie."

-------

end chapter 29


	30. Reconstruction of the Gods

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a mocking scornful laugh, because my armor has Flameproof on it. :P)  
(This one's a bit serious. But...um...yeah! Part of it was actually written way back when Chapter 27 was written, so...we'll see if it still works. ; )

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 30: Reconstruction of the Gods

"Spill it, blondie."

"I don't really remember much from the beginning," Kefka said. "Those things are thought to be bad, and locked away in a leeeeetle part of the memory, never to be re-examined. Those who unlock the memory and dwell on it too long end up right back where they started. In Hell's Bells..."

:

past

When he had first arrived in Hell, he'd been in pieces. Literally. With a mind as shattered as his mortal form, he'd been sent straight to Hell's Bells. And that's where he stayed for a very long time, even though he would never quite remember it all

" Alright, let's take a look at him ."

" Damn, is he supposed to look that horrible? "

" Based on the files, yes, he's supposed to look like that. "

" Poor pathetic son-of-a-bitch. "

" Yeah."

Two workers stared through the glass at the figure in the observation room.

"We need to do something about the wings though; he keeps knocking the aides away with em. "

" We could clip them. "

" Very funny, Azera. "

" Yeah, I know I am . Either way, I think Dr. Demios said he was working on it. "

" Good. " The worker looked a clipboard. "Whose turn is it to get laughed at? "

" Yours."

" Sure it is ..."

:

He was nude, except for a long red and black blanket that was coiled around his legs. The workers at Hell's Bells were still trying to find the right files for what he was supposed to be wearing. So for now, the blanket sufficed. It wasn't like he was going to be going anywhere anytime soon anyways

His blonde hair was a long mess, falling limply down his back and ending just short of his tailbone. Except for a flush on his cheeks, he was very pale. Even his icy blue eyes seemed to lack any real substance. The aforementioned wings were golden and massive, but were currently curled up around the man in a protective manner.

" Alright... how are we doing today, Mr. Palazzo? "

" Fuck off!" his voice was strained, weakened by an excessive amount of deranged laughter.

The worker noted something down on the clipboard. "Are we thirsty, Mr. Palazzo? "

The cold blue eyes struggled to focus, and the worker cringed when the man finally looked his way.

"..."

"Still not thirsty, I see," the worker said, tapping a pen on the clipboard. The man flinched.

"Quit being so harsh with him, " Azera's voice came chidingly from behind the worker. "The sod deserves a medal for being so quiet. "

Kefka Palazzo had spent much of the last few millennia locked away in a padded room, laughing his head off. Any tenuous grip on reality that the man had had before dying had slipped away, leaving behind a crumbled shell.

First there had been the screaming. Something horrible and deep, shredding a mass of carefully rendered golden feathers as he clawed blindly at the padding on the floor. Then the screams had been punctuated by crying. It had been a pitiful thing to watch, really a broken god laying of the floor of his cell at a mental institution in Hell. The crying and screaming had only lasted a short time—maybe a hundred years.

But then, the sobs had begun to break differently from his throat. It was a weak change at first, but then the faint giggles became stronger. Eventually the tears had stopped altogether, and only the laughter flowed freely. His laugh was distinct, and made most of the workers at the asylum cringe. A few had actually quit because of it.

Kefka laughed and laughed and laughed for days, weeks, months, _years_ at a time He laughed until his useless lungs failed to keep up, and he collapsed back to the floor in a choking heap. He had laughed, now, until his throat had worn dry.

The workers were reluctant to refuel the madness.

Kefka's body still frequently shook, wracked by muted laughter. True, his initial hysteria had faded, but only slightly. He had yet to improve to the level of insanity that had breached his mind just before death.

The worker stepped aside as Azera moved into the room. She was holding a glass of orange juice. Kefka glared at her as she entered, a wing twitching. The white haired woman was one of his least favorite aides.

"Now, Mr. Palazzo, why don't you be a good boy and have something to drink?" Azera said in a sweet tone, holding up the glass in offering. Kefka wheezed angrily in response. She clucked her tongue. " Now now, why don't you behave for once? "

" No! "

"Kef, if you just drink the damn juice, she'll go away faster," the other worker said. He ignored the glare sent from Azera.

Kefka didn't say anything, but his wings curled back. They knew it was his way of saying take your best shot'. Azera carefully crossed the room, still holding out the glass. Kefka glared at her before snatching the glass from her hand. She made a dash back for the door as Kefka gulped down the drink, shooing the worker back outside.

They made it out just in time—the glass shattered against the door as it was pulled shut.

There was a pause, then:

" Uwee hee hee hee hee hee hee ha ha ha ha ha haaaa! "

"You just had to get him started again, didn't you?" the worker sighed. Azera shrugged.

"Not for long. "

They looked through the observation glass again. Kefka hooted with his usual insane laughter for several minutes, before suddenly going still and collapsing on the floor.

"Tranquilizers," Azera said. She waved a hand. "Dr. Demios wants Mr. Palazzo sent down to exam room 9 and have a clean up team sent in, alright? "

" Anything else? " the worker asked, looking down at his clipboard.

"Yeah," Azera said, looking at the set of narrow gashes that graced her palm. "Get his damn nails trimmed! "

:

"Study session for patient 321945632K," Dr. Demios' voice droned. " Session number.. hell, what number is it now? "

" Number 95d, " the aide standing next to Dr. Demios replied. She was holding a tranquilizer gun.

" Ah, nearing the magic number 100, I see. Kefka ..." Dr. Demios sighed. " And still no better than the first session. "

" Maybe a little better," the aide said under her breath. "I haven't had to use the tranq gun on him since session 83. "

" Lucky us, " Demios said. He flipped through a few pages in a notebook, glancing up at Kefka. The blond was in a straight jacket (fat lot of good it did though), and his wings were carefully bound back. Kefka was silent, the muscle relaxer that they'd started using a few sessions back rendering him less annoying for a short while.

" Let's get started." Demios flipped to a new blank sheet in the notebook. "How are you feeling today, Kefka? "

" I like goldfish! " Kefka chirped brightly, his eyes focused about a foot over the doctor's head.

" I see. And what kind of goldfish do you like best, Kefka? "

" _Dead_ ones," Kefka said, nodding faintly.

"That's good." Demios took his notes as usual. "Still a laughing fool, I see? "

" I like hamsters too," Kefka added. " They're sooooft. "

Dr. Demios blinked a few times, surprise briefly registering on the demon's face.

"Yes, Kefka, they are soft. "

" Uwee hee hee—" Kefka's eyes widened and he clamped his jaw shut when he noticed the aide adjusting the controls on the tranquilizer gun. A few muffled laughs still managed to escape.

" Alright, Kefka. Today we're going to play the word association game again. You like that one, don't you? "

" Uwe-yah yah yah yah!" He squirmed a bit.

"Good. Alright, we'll start now. " It had taken three sessions before Kefka had gotten the hang of the word association game, however slippery his hold on the concept was.

"Yah! "

"First word: happiness. "

A pause, then: " _Pain_. "

" Pain."

" _Existence_."

" Beauty. "

" _Blood_!" A giggle.

"Death. "

_"Never_. "

" Life. "

" _Empty_. "

" Hate. "

" _Pure_. "

Dr. Demios looked down at the list again, curious. A few of Kefka's answers had changed from the previous time he'd played that game.

"Love. "

A blank look from Kefka. The man seemed to have a word, but his mouth hung open.

Dr. Demios tapped the notebook. Kefka closed his mouth, swallowing a few times.

"I'm afraid I'm drawing a blank. "

The therapist blinked again in surprise. "Two nearly coherent sentences in one session? My my..."

The blond's expression contorted a bit, as if he were trying to be cute. "Do I get a cookie?"

"Ah...maybe so, Mr. Palazzo."

:

Kefka had been locked back up in his little padded room after the therapy session. He whined about this for several hours, which was different from the usual muttering that followed a session. He continued giggling sometime during the night, but it was quieter than normal. Several months passed like this.

One morning, Azera found herself staring into the little window, watching Kefka. The little blonde was glaring back at her. The two aides standing behind her shifted uneasily.

"He's awfully quiet today, ma'am," one of the aides said.

"I'm aware of that," Azera frowned. "Tranq him."

"Ma'am?"

"Demios wants to talk to him again."

"Yes, ma'am!"

:

Kefka was drugged and bound, as usual, before being deposited in Dr. Demios' office. The therapist waved a hand at one of the aides, having the demon remove the binds from Kefka's hands. The villain blinked a few times as he came to, lifting his hands and staring at them in surprise.

"Uwee he-" he started, but stopped, looking over his shoulder at the aide with the tranq gun, then back at Dr. Demios. "Is this a trick?"

"No, it's not, Mr. Palazzo." Dr. Demios set a pad of paper and a box of crayons on the little table next to Kefka's seat. "I'm afraid that the office has been unable to locate your previous wardrobe files. So they need you to draw what you used to wear."

There was a long pause while Kefka stared at the therapist with a blank look. When his brain caught up, he giggled. "Oooh, I get to draw!" He reached for the box of crayons but stopped. "I'm guessing you don't mean the bed sheet?"

"Ah, no, preferably something you wore _before_ the bed sheet."

"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka giggled, grabbing the drawing supplies and starting. Dr. Demios watched curiously. Kefka's brow wrinkled as he tried to remember, but the look in his eyes was sharp and intense.

Maybe Kefka had wallowed in his madness for so long...because no one made him do something else? He'd been locked in his cell for ages with nothing to do, nothing to refocus his badly fractured mind. His mind had grabbed eagerly at all the silly little 'games' Dr. Demios had put him through during study sessions.

"Should have tried something different sooner," Demios muttered under his breath.

Kefka went through a few sheets of paper before drawing something that pleased him. "Uwee! There! It's all perfect and wonderful!" He held up the pad of paper, clearly pleased with himself. "Lookie lookie lookie!"

Dr. Demios hesitated for a moment before crossing the room and taking the pad from Kefka. He looked at it, and tried not to laugh. "Kefka, this makes you look like a clown."

"Uweehehehe! I know!" Kefka grinned.

"And your wings aren't on this."

"Wings? What wings?" Kefka blinked. Dr. Demios pointed at the wings on Kefka's back. "Oh, _those_. No, I didn't have wings."

"I...see. I suppose a concealment spell could be put on the cloak."

"Did I do good?"

"You...really dressed like this?"

A vigorous nod.

"Then you were already a lost cause before you died," Dr. Demios sighed.

:

present

"...I don't really remember anything until the last few sessions," Kefka said. He twirled his pinky in the end of his ponytail. "I do remember the therapist once saying that when we first arrive in Hell, something is done to us, as punishment. Something that we dreaded or hated more than anything in the world when we were alive."

"Like what?"

"Well, I...lost my edge, so to speak. I used to be a lot nastier, uwee hee hee. But I just can't seem to manage it anymore. Sephiroth didn't have his Masamune, and he's a big fucking pouty whiny crybaby without his sword." They both looked down at Sephiroth for a moment. "And you...well..."

"I hated being mistaken for a girl when I was alive," Kuja said softly. "I guess that was my punishment. Though I don't understand why...why it...reverted."

"Well, not all the punishments are permanent," Kefka said. "It depends on the person. Sephiroth found his Masamune when he arrived at our room."

"True." Kuja glanced down again. "And Sephiroth...did the same thing happen to him? When he got here?"

The blonde looked at Sephiroth again, his nose wrinkling as if he'd just discovered that a moogle was humping his leg.

"From what I've been told, Sephiroth wasn't any better off than me when he arrived in Hell." Kefka wiggled his pinky finger. "Went straight to Hell's Bells. He wasn't a laugher though. Very quiet. Just sat in his little cell and sulked for a few hundred years before ever uttering a word. I think they released him sooner than me because...well, they didn't think there wasn't much of anything to be done with him. He started drinking after being released, and well..." Kefka pointed down at the silver haired bishounen, who was still sprawled on the floor. "That's what's become of him."

"And you didn't drink."

"Nope. Uwee, well, not as much."

Sephiroth made a small whiny noise from the floor, but didn't wake up.

"I don't remember with perfect clarity, but I'm pretty sure I met Sephiroth at Hell's Bells." Kefka pursed his lips. "I just didn't get to...get to know him better until later..."

end chapter 30


	31. Sephiroth

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a mocking scornful laugh, because my armor has Flameproof on it. :P)  
Notes: To clear up any possible confusion, any sections of this (and the previous) chapter that are in the past, are not being told to Kuja by Kefka. They're merely retellings of the past in order for the reader to know what's happened. ;

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 31: Sephiroth

past again

After a few more years, Kefka was allowed to go to the cafeteria. Supervised, of course, but he hadn't been 'stable' enough to go before.

He found himself at a table, staring down at an empty plate and a glass of orange juice. There was a man sitting across the table, tall and silent and pathetic looking. Though fine enough of face to stare at. He was wearing a black robe, and his long silver hair was bound into a ponytail. The mass was draped over his shoulder, and the man was cradling it like a baby. The hand that was absently petting the hair had a green tag attached at the wrist. _Nonviolent, unstable_. Kefka's tag was still orange. _Unstable and prone to violent outbursts_.

"Aren't you a pathetic looking sod," Kefka smirked, sipping his orange juice. He had learned the faint taste of the tranquilizers, but ignored it. The man looked up from the table.

"What?"

"You. You look like someone just shot your pet chocobo and barbecued it in front of you."

The bishounen's stomach growled audibly. "Please don't mention barbecue."

Kefka tapped the edge of the glass on his lip. "Or maybe just a nice chocobo pot pie..."

"Stop!" His face screwed up like he was in pain. "I'm _starving_!"

Kefka shrugged. "Who isn't?" He pointed a thin finger at the bishounen's untouched glass of juice. "Shut up and drink your juice."

"I don't like it," came the nearly-pouted reply. "It makes me tired."

"It's supposed to."

"Still don't like it."

"You're awfully whiny," Kefka said, glowering at him.

"I know."

"Though, true, I wish we had a little more variety in what we were allowed to drink." Kefka took another sip. "This place makes me crave tequila."

A blink. "Tequila..."

Kefka sighed. "You _did_ have tequila on your planet, didn't you?"

"I think so..." He twisted his silvery hair in his hands. "I never drank though."

"What? Why not?"

"Well, I wasn't...um..." His low, smooth voice wavered, and he twisted his hair again.

Kefka was briefly distracted by the strange glow of the man's green eyes. "Hmm?"

"Well...I was only old enough to legally drink a little while before I died...." His nose scrunched up. "And they controlled almost everything that I did..."

"Uwee? They who?"

"The Shinra." A frown.

"Ooh, sucky name. Uwee hee. Poor sap. That means you're probably a virgin too."

"....uh huh."

"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka slammed his empty glass on the table, making the other man jerk in surprise. One of the attendants brought him a fresh glass of orange juice.

"I don't think my misfortunes are funny!"

"I do," the blonde cackled briefly, before sipping his fresh juice. "Gods, I hate this stuff. Makes my stomach get all acidy. But you gotta take what you can get."

"I guess so."

"So, what's your name, you little whiner?"

The man narrowed his eyes, looking down at Kefka. "You're not really one to call anyone little."

"That's your name?"

"No!" He shook his head.

"Then what is it?"

"....Sephiroth."

"Ah. Well, Sephiroth.." He pointed at himself. "I am Kefka. Feel free to fear me."

"You're hardly scary," Sephiroth said, though he didn't look quite so certain. "It's hard to be intimidated by a little man wearing a bathrobe with chocobos on it."

"I'm waiting for my new outfit!" Kefka snapped at him. Sephiroth winced. The blonde snickered.

"You're like a scary, angry little...um...mog."

"Mog?"

"Small white animal, with slanty eyes and wings and big nose and a pom-pom."

"A moogle."

"They're called mogs."

"Moogles."

"Mogs!"

"MOOGLES!" Kefka snarled loudly. Sephiroth winced again. "Uwee hee hee hee hee..."

"Creepy laugh."

"I knooooow," Kefka purred. He took a moment to leer at the nervous bishounen. "You know, you'd be pretty if you weren't so depraved looking."

Sephiroth blinked a few times, then shook his head a bit. "I'm not gay."

"How would you know, you're a virgin."

"Well, I...."

"You see, you don't!"

Another frown. "I suppose not..." Sephiroth arched a brow. "Though I'm quite certain that even if I was, I wouldn't be doing anything with you."

"And why's that?"

"You're not really very cute, y'know."

Kefka snorted. "That's very shallow of you."

"I have every right to be shallow," Sephiroth returned the snort.

"I suppose so." He pursed his lips. "So, if I'm not intimidating, and I'm not cute, then what am I?"

"You just look like an angry little blonde man, that's all."

"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka slammed a fist on the table. Sephiroth just stared at him, blinking a few times before a miserable look crossed his face. His expression scrunched up again, and then:

"Oh, Mother! Oh, me! Oh gods! I hate it here! I hate it here! _I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I_--" Sephiroth's screaming rant stopped suddenly. The ponytail dropped from his fingers, and his eyes rolled back. Sephiroth slumped forward onto the table, quite far, knocking over his glass of orange juice in the progress.

"Uwee..." Kefka stared at the little tranquilizer dart sticking out from the mass of silvery hair. A few guards shuffled forward, collecting Sephiroth and carrying him off. Kefka tapped a nail on his chin, watching them go. "Must be my wonderful influence."

:

present, again

"I won't ask what you meant by getting to know him better," Kuja said, a sour tone to his voice.

"A wise decision," Kefka smirked. There was a pause, as they glanced back down at Sephiroth. Kuja sighed.

"This place sucks."

"Uwee, I know." Kefka turned back to face him. "But....Kuja-doll, it's up to you to leave."

Kuja frowned, toying with a lock of silver-violet hair. "I don't know if I can leave. I don't know what to do. What if this happens again? What'll I do if I change again?"

"From what I've learned, you've just got to take whatever cards death deals you."

Kuja sighed, "and here I was just getting used to being a woman."

"Kujaaa, I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, I'm not that picky! I just want you to come back." He fixed his most cute pleading look on Kuja.

Kuja looked doubtful. "You really...don't care?"

"Not really..." Kefka pointed behind him. "And I'm sure sword-boy won't really care either, once he gets over the shock."

The doubtful look persisted. "But...why not?"

Kefka shrugged lightly. "Don't know. Just don't." He teetered on his heels for a moment. "All I know is that I...we...want you, Kuja. Just Kuja. Regardless of how well you are or are not hung, uwee."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?!"

He backpedaled a few steps, tripping over Sephiroth's inert form in the process. Kefka gave a little "oomph!" as he landed on his butt. "Owwie..."

Kuja "Rar"-ed loudly, and Kefka winced as the door rattled behind the force of a disgruntled Flare casting.

"Uwee hee, sounds like someone's meds are wearing off."

"You little fucker, don't toy with my emotions! I'm unstable! UNSTABLE!" He waved the little tag in front of the window.

"Now, doll, calm down, I didn't mean anything bad by it--"

"The hell you didn't! I ought to get out of here, just to rip off your--"

"Can you guys stop yelling, you're interrupting my nap."

They fell silent, looking down at the speaker. Sephiroth was silent again, eyes closed and fingers clutching an imaginary pillow.

Kuja pounded a fist on the window. "Get out of my sight, you little menace!"

"But Kuja--"

"I don't care! Maybe I'll just stay in here forever!" Kuja dropped out of view, and they heard a thunk as he sat noisily against the door. Kefka blinked a few times, sitting up.

"Are you _sure_ you're not still a girl, doll? It sure sounds like you're on the rag or something.."

There was no response. Kefka pouted.

"Phooey."

:

Kuja still wasn't talking after Sephiroth fully regained consciousness, so the boys were forced to leave.

"So, do you think sh...he....Kuja will come back soon?" Sephiroth asked, still wobbling a bit as he followed Kefka back to the villains room. Kefka grunted noncommittally. "Eh? Is that a yes-grunt or a no-grunt?"

"No."

A blink. "Uhh..."

"Don't strain yourself, sword boy." Kefka huffed lightly.

"Okay?" Sephiroth paused for a moment, brandishing his sword dramatically. "Yatta!"

"Good to see that drooling on the floor didn't damage any more brain cells."

"Nope....I wasn't passed out too long, was I?"

"Just a chapter or so."

"Huh?"

"No, not too long," Kefka sighed, kicking a rock.

"What'd you do while I was...ur...out?"

"Just talked."

"Talked."

"Uh huh." Kefka sighed again. "You weren't gone that long."

"Where'd I go again?"

"Happy drunk passed out on the floor land."

"Explains why my head hurts more," Sephiroth said, poking at a lump on the back of his head. "You didn't hit me, did you?"

"No, though I probably kicked you a few times."

"Oh. That's not nice."

"That's why I did it."

"True." They continued down the sidewalk. "What'd you talk about?"

"Stuff. Mostly about how stupid you are," Kefka smirked. "And other less relevant things."

Sephiroth seemed to pause in his thoughts. "You didn't tell him about the sex on the table, did you?"

Kefka sneered briefly. "No, I believe I left that part out."

Sephiroth sighed. "Good."

"Why the hell would I want to bring that back up, anyway?"

"I dunno. You have a tendency to do things to get your ass kicked."

"....point."

The bishie scratched his ear, looking vaguely thoughtful again. "How come Kuja wasn't talking when we left?"

"He's a bitch, that's all."

"Oooh.."

-------

end chapter 31


	32. Son of Darkness

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a proper retort from my chocobo. He likes to cast Meteo on people, not sure why.)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 32: Son of Darkness

Sephiroth sat, squinting at the latest newspaper. Or its remains. Meow x17 had been hungry after he returned from visiting his parents (a stress relieving adventure he'd set himself on while the boys were visiting the loony bin--don't worry, the table had been protected by a rather impressive hairball), and had helped himself to most of the headlines.

Sephiroth sighed, turning the page over. He was looking at the home and gardening section of the paper for the eighth time that day. "Stupid fuzzbucket, you might as well have eaten the whole damn thing."

"Hey, I was gone a long time, y'know. And they don't get papers down where my folks work, nya." The Gimme Cat peered up over the edge of the table. "Why don't you find some other way to entertain yourself?"

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Get a job."

Kefka sneered from the other side of the table, but said nothing.

"A job? I couldn't get a job!" Sephiroth wailed, looking from the article on the proper usage of pumice stones as ornamental landscaping to the Gimme Cat and back.

"Funny, I was under the impression that any unbottled humanoid soul could get a job," Meow x17 said.

"But I wouldn't know what kind of job." The bishie petted his sword, pouting.

"Umm..." the Cat looked at a few scattered remains of paper. "Maybe something in landscaping? Or you could be a go-for...or a sex slave..."

"Eeew."

"Why not go for something less challenging?" Kefka smirked.

"Such as?"

"How about a doorstop, for starters."

Sephiroth cringed and shook his head. "I think that'd hurt."

"That's the whole point, you ninny."

Sephiroth _hmphed_, and flopped back in his seat. "Bored."

"I could always knock you out again."

"That doesn't work long enough. Are you _sure_ that I can't have a drink?"

"I'm very sure, quit asking," Kefka said. He looked down at the table, blonde hair tumbling down his back in a mess. For reasons unknown, he was cleaning the beads on his rather ornate hair clip. "I told you, Sephiroth. No drinking until Kuja comes back."

"But what if--"

"Don't worry about it," came the snapped reply. Sephiroth pouted again.

"This sucks."

"It does, uwee hee," Kefka smirked. "Being in your presence makes me want to own a bottle of tequila. But you remember last time, yes? Uwee hee hee..." He coughed. "Well, I think we would've had better success talking to Kuja-doll if you hadn't spent the whole conversation PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR!!"

Sephiroth winced, earning a sudden cackle from the blonde.

"You pathetic sod," Kefka said, picking up his hair clip. "You're no better off than the first time I saw you. You aught to be the one back in Hell's Bells, and not Kuja!"

"Shut up! You take that back!" Sephiroth half-stood, leaning partially over the table to yell. Kefka grinned, baring his fangs.

"Make me."

Sephiroth lurched forward, nearly falling over the table. "You're damned right I'll make you! I'll--" He jerked to a sudden stop, feeling a sharp pull on his coat. "What the hell?"

Kefka looked somewhat disappointed as Sephiroth turned and righted himself. "Bugger."

The bishounen looked down, and his gaze met a smaller orange-eyed stare. The hand clutching his coat belonged to what looked like a seven-year old boy. An odd looking one, though. He had darkly tanned skin and white hair that flowed down past his shoulders. The boy was wearing a black and white trench coat.

"Wha.."

The child's face lit up, and Sephiroth cringed, as the look was reminiscent of the over-enthusiastic look Kefka tended to get after a few Bloody Moogles.

"Momma!"

Sephiroth blinked. "Say what?"

The boy glomped Sephiroth's arm, nearly pulling him to the floor. "Momma! Found you!"

The bishie blushed darkly as Kefka started laughing. Sephiroth pried the boy off his arm.

"Excuse me, there, but did you get dropped on your head or something? I'm not your Momma."

"Uwee hee hee hee haa..._Momma_!"

"Shut up, Kefka!"

"But...but..." The boy looked up at Sephiroth with a pitiful gaze. "I've been looking for you since I got here, Momma..."

"Listen...uh..."

"Ansem."

"...Ansem. I'm not your Momma. I _can't_ be your Momma."

Little Ansem bit his lip. "Why not?"

"Because I'm a guy."

"Are you sure?"

"Uwee hee, yeah, are you sure?"

"You should be able to remember that much, you dolt," Sephiroth snapped at the blonde. Kefka shrugged, still giggling. "Yes, Ansem, I'm quite sure that I'm a guy."

Ansem seemed to consider this. "But...they said I was supposed to find you..."

"They who?" Meow x17 piped up from his seat. Ansem looked over at him, his face lighting up again. He darted around Sephiroth, pouncing on the Gimme Cat.

"Kitty!"

"Ack! Lemme go! Ow!" Meow x17 flailed as he was squeezed by the chibi Ansem.

Kefka cocked his head, scratching his nose thoughtfully as he watched. "You know, I can see the resemblance."

"Shut up, Kefka."

"I mean, the bad dress sense, the stupid look, the--"

"_Shut up, Kefka_."

"And who knows, if Kuja was a girl, then maybe--OW!!" Kefka rubbed his forehead.

"You leave Kuja out of this!" Sephiroth hissed, waving the Masamune in Kefka's face.

"Who's Kuja?" Ansem wondered, a limp Cat dangling from his arms.

"Oh, sh-he's...um...." Sephiroth sat back in his seat. Ansem followed the movement, flopping into Meow x17's chair.

"Kuja is our reason for living!" Kefka said, shaking his hair clip enthusiastically.

"You're dead," Ansem said.

"Doesn't matter, uwee hee! He's...perfect."

"Perfectly crazy."

"Uwee...." Kefka nodded, pulling his hair back into a ponytail. "We all have our faults, but Kuja's faults are still quite... exquisite."

Ansem stared, then blinked and looked at Sephiroth. "Is he always this creepy, Momma?"

"Yes. It's part of his....charm."

"I'm charming!" Kefka giggled, twisting the clip back into place. "Uwee hee hee!"

"But try not to encourage him too much, or he'll go on like that for days."

"'Kay."

Meow x17 gurgled. "Lemme gooooo."

"Nooo, kitty is so soft and fuzzy!"

"I'm not fuzzy!"

"Funny, you used to say the same thing about me," Kefka grinned.

"Shut up." Sephiroth sighed. "Now, Ansem, please tell me, what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, Momma, I told you that!"

"I know, I know, but...uh...who told you that I was your Momma?"

"They did."

"They who?"

"_They_," Ansem said, wiggling his fingers. Meow x17 took the opportunity to slip free. He scrambled across the table and leapt at Kefka, hiding under his cloak.

"Ow, claws!"

Sephiroth sighed again, rubbing his forehead. "They who, Ansem?"

"Um...." he looked at the table. "...I forgot?"

"That's rather convenient," Sephiroth said, looking doubtful.

"Eh-heh..."

"Uwee hee, maybe the brain snatching monsters came and ate that little memory..." He trailed off as Sephiroth and Ansem turned and stared at him. "...what?"

"It wasn't the brain snatchers," chibi Ansem said matter-of-factly, "It was the...the...DARKNESS!" He balled up a little fist and shook it gleefully.

"The...Darkness?" Kefka scratched his nose, "I don't think I've heard of them before."

"It's quite wonderful." Ansem twirled a lock of white hair around his pinky. "Yes...Everything shall be returned to DARKNESS!"

"I wonder what this Darkness thing is," Sephiroth said, inching away from Ansem.

"It's pretty dark under here," Meow x17 said, a paw sticking out from under Kefka's cloak.

"I don't think that's what he means."

"Or maybe, like, the darkness under your bed?" Kefka suggested.

"What bed?"

"Uh...um...Good point." Kefka waved his hand. "Forget I said that."

The bishie sighed again. "That would be easier if you'd let me drink."

"I'm thirsty!" Ansem piped up. "I need a glass of water...of DARKNESS!"

"I almost think I saw that one coming."

"Uwee, indeed."

"I don't see what's so great about the darkness," Sephiroth leaned back in his chair. "When it's too dark you can't see, and then you stub your toe on the gun case."

"Only a complete moron would do that."

"Shut up! It was really dark!"

"Uwee hee, poor baby."

"Shut uuuup," Sephiroth crossed his arms. Ansem giggled.

"Momma's silly."

"Momma's gonna introduce your forehead to the blunt end of my sword if you don't go away," Sephiroth grumbled.

"Oooh, sassy," Kefka quipped. "You're not setting a very good example for your little boooy, Sephy-Momma."

"Augh! Will you all just--" Sephiroth froze in mid-tirade. "--wait, Ansem, tell me something."

"Yes, Momma?"

"If I'm your Momma, which I'm not....then who's your...ur....Daddy?"

"Umm..."

"You do know, don't you?" he leaned toward the table. "I mean, didn't _they_ tell you?"

"Umm...." Ansem bit his lip, looking perplexed.

"That would be awful of _them_ not to tell you."

"I...um....darkness?"

"Darkness isn't an answer, squirt."

"But...but..."

"Ansem! Ansem!" A raspy voice sounded behind the table. "There he is!"

"Eep!" Ansem dropped off his chair, trying to hide under the table. "Hide me!"

"What?" Sephiroth blinked, looking behind him.

"Oooh, Hell's Bells guards," Kefka said.

"Don't let them take me back!" chibi Ansem wailed.

"You escaped from the asylum?" Sephiroth peered under the table.

Ansem sniffed. "Yeah."

"Anseeeem..." One of the demon guards appeared behind Sephiroth. "You've been a very bad boy."

"What did he do?" Kefka wondered.

"Well, let's just say that he didn't die at that age. Whoever thought that he'd be less of a menace as a little kid needs to have their license revoked." The guard sighed, shaking his head. "We've been looking for him for three days. He keeps sneaking out somehow. Hopefully he'll grow up soon."

"I don't wanna!" Ansem hissed from under the table. "Go away!"

"Now, now, if you behave, you can have all the darkness you want."

"....really?"

"Uh huh."

"Well...." Ansem peeked out from under the table, and was quickly snatched up by the guard. "Aaah! Momma, help meeee!" He flailed as the guard tucked him under a scaly arm.

"I'm not your Momma, kid," Sephiroth sighed. The guard peered at Sephiroth for a moment.

"I do see the resemblance."

"Uwee hee hee..."

"Don't encourage him!"

"Heh, don't get your panties in a twist," the guard said. "C'mon, Ansem."

"Nooooo!"

Kefka and Sephiroth watched as the guard stalked off to the exit.

"That wasn't very motherly of you," Kefka said.

"Cram it."

"I mean, leaving your child to be dragged off--OW!"

"Hey, leave me out of this!" Meow x17 scrambled out from under Kefka's cloak and jumped back to his chair before Sephiroth continued whacking the blonde with his sword.

"Ow! Hey-ow! I'm telling!"

-------

end chapter 32


	33. My Boyfriend's Back

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a proper retort from my chocobo. He likes to cast Meteo on people, not sure why.) And, on another note, thanks to everyone reviewing the newer chapters. The more you review, the more I feel like writing. ;

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 33: My Boyfriend's Back

"No, I think we mostly just used them for transport."

"No racing?"

"Nope."

"No convoluted breeding programs related to side quests?"

"....no."

"Damn," Sephiroth slouched back in his seat. "Well, your world needs to learn how to make better use of its chocobos."

"It's not _my_ fault," Kefka snorted. "I wasn't too fond of the birds myself."

"What, were you attacked by one when you were little?"

"....maybe."

Sephiroth snickered.

"Oh, shaddup, like you were never attacked by chocobos!"

"Can't say that I remember that."

"Maybe it's a repressed memory."

The bishie sweatdropped. "Keep trying, little man."

Kefka grumbled to himself. "I blew up a few though."

"Blew up? As in...blow up dolls?"

"No!"

"Eeew, Kefka, you pervert. You could at least stick with human blow up dolls."

"So are you calling yourself a blow-up doll?"

"....."

"Ha."

"I hate you."

"Feeling's mutual, sword boy," Kefka said, sighing heavily.

"You guys are really redundant," the Gimme Cat said from his seat.

"Huh?"

"You've had that same conversation, word for word, eight times already."

Sephiroth blinked. "....really?"

"Uh huh."

"That's what you get for listening, fuzzball," Kefka sneered.

"Oh, trust me, I'd be listening to something more stimulating if I could."

"Hmph."

There was a long, silent pause.

Then:

"I miss Kuja."

"Yeah, me too."

"Hell, I'm even starting to miss the cross-dressing bitch," Meow x17 sighed.

"Be mindful of who you're calling a bitch, fuzzy."

It took a moment before the voice registered. Kefka looked up, and Sephiroth turned in his chair.

"Kuja!"

He smoothly sidestepped away from Kefka's flying glomp. The blonde grunted as he hit the floor face first, then settled for latching himself onto Kuja's leg. Kefka's nose squeaked against the boot leather.

"Dooolllll! You're back!"

"Indeed, I am." He brushed his skirt aside, looking down at Kefka, his features almost disturbingly serene.

Kefka peeked up. "You're not mad?"

"No, I'm not mad," he smiled thinly.

"You're awfully calm," Meow x17 said. "You still drugged?"

"Don't be silly," Kuja said. "They wouldn't let me out if I still had to be drugged."

"No more Flare-ing?"

"No more than before."

Sephiroth perked. "Does this mean I can drink again?"

Kuja blinked in surprise. "Who said you couldn't drink?" Sephiroth pointed at Kefka. "Tsk, tsk. You're more entertaining when you're drunk."

"...I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not."

"Me neither."

Kefka was off in his own little world. "Uwee hee hee, you came baaaack."

They sweatdropped.

"Um, your voice sounds the same," Sephiroth noted.

"Yeah, but that's okay."

"Is it?"

"Well, I'd be worried if I sounded more manly now than I did before I was a woman," Kuja smirked.

"....uh, that's true," Sephiroth said, blushing lightly. Kuja looked at him for a moment, then glanced away, clearing his throat.

"Um, Kefka?"

"Uwee..."

"Kefka."

"Uwee?"

"Get off my leg."

"But-"

"Get. Off. My. Leg. Now. I'm tired and I want to sit down."

"Uwee..." Kefka reluctantly released his grip and scrambled back to his own seat.

"Honestly, I think Ansem was a bad influence on you," Sephiroth said.

Kuja cocked his head as he sat down. "Ansem?"

"Small annoying thing," Meow x17 said.

"Sephiroth's sooooon!" Kefka giggled.

"What?!"

"He wasn't!" Sephiroth flailed.

"He called him 'Momma'," Kefka said. Kuja arched a brow.

"Now, now, first I'm a woman, and now you--"

"Don't _you_ start in on that!" Sephiroth buried his face in his hands.

Kuja smirked. "You'd be a scary woman."

"No scarier than you."

"Uwee hee..." Kefka peered a bit of bare skin on Kuja's right leg. "So... still a guy?"

"Mmhmm."

"Care to show us again?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?" Kefka batted his eyelashes. "With a cherry on top?"

Kuja pressed his (recently manicured) nails on the tabletop. "Say, Kefka, how do we know that _you're _really a guy?"

"Uh...well..."

"He's really a guy," Sephiroth said. "I'll vouch for him."

"Eh?"

"And I'll vouch for Sephiroth, uwee hee!"

He glanced between them. "Did I miss something while I was gone, boys?"

Kefka blushed darkly. "Ah...ur...uwee....no...uwee...you see..."

"Kefka was the bottom."

"Shut up, Sephiroth!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, but not while you were gone."

"Hmm, how intriguing..."

"I think you need a drink, Sephiroth," Kefka hissed. He waved an arm in the air. "Waitress!"

"Oh, no no, I want to hear this," Kuja grinned.

"Noooo!"

"Well, you see, it was before you came here..." Sephiroth tapped his sword on the table, looking nostalgic.

"Sephiroth, shut up or I'm going to...to...to...have to think up something drastic to threaten you with!"

"You're losing your touch, blondie."

"At least I had one!" Kefka turned on the waitress as she arrived. "Get something that will shut him up as quickly as possible!"

"Well, we've got lots of things that'll do that. You want to see the list?"

"Augh!"

Kuja looked back at Sephiroth, who in turn was casting an evilly pleased look at Kefka. "Do go on."

"Well, you see.... we hated each other."

"Some things don't change."

"Quite. But please don't interrupt, my train of thought is running very short--" he held his thumb and middle fingers about an inch apart, "--these days. Lack of drinking, you see..."

"Mmhmm."

"So, as I said. We hated each other. It was a few years after I'd been released from Hell's Bells. And I had come to the Villains Room, as I was instructed, and looked around for a seat. But there weren't any, except for at this table in the back. And so I sat there, because the lady at the table said it was okay. Well, she's just a living statuette monster thingy, so she didn't really say anything, but I knew she said it was okay, so I sat down, and--"

"You're rambling."

"Sorry. So, I sat there and minded my time. This was before Meow x17 showed up, so there wasn't really anyone to talk to... Where was I...oh, yes, so I sit there for awhile, until this blonde freak--" He pointed over to Kefka, who was in the middle of trying not to strangle their waitress, "--shows up, and starts yelling at me and wanting to know what the hell I'm doing sitting at his table."

"Understandable, I suppose."

"And I said that the statue lady said it was okay, and Kefka shrieks that that's nonsense, because the seat is saved for someone special. But he doesn't know whooo, just that it's not for me. The ass."

"Sounds like Kefka."

"Mm. So he keeps yelling at me for like, days. And finally I got fed up, and I knocked him onto the table. And...uh...well, let's just say that I made up for the repressed feelings that had built up while I was in the crazy-ward."

"You mean you--"

"Hey, I had to shut him up somehow," Sephiroth waved his hands defensively. "He was making a scene!"

"I don't see how...doing that...would shut him up."

"You'd be surprised. It did, for awhile at least."

Kuja looked at the table, his nose curling a bit. "On this table?"

"Well, not _this_ table, the Cat's eaten his way through several since then."

"You know what I mean."

"Well...." Sephiroth batted at a few stray silver hairs. "Yeah, here, the first time at least."

"The _first _time?"

"Don't tell her--him--Kuja--about anything else!" Kefka shouted, nearly diving at him across the table.

"He was always the bottom," Sephiroth said lowly.

"I'd have never had guessed." He turned, looking at the irate blonde. "So, was he any good?"

Kefka flopped back in his chair, looking aghast. "K-Kuja! Don't ask horrible things like that!"

"He liked it," Sephiroth whispered.

"I did not!" Kefka flailed.

"I'm having a hard time imagining him being quiet, though."

"Aside from the occasional giggle and moan and 'uwee', yes, comparably quite quiet."

"Shut up, Sephiroth!"

"Are you sure it wasn't some other crazed blonde?" Kuja smirked.

"It could have been, but I've never met any quite so short."

"I'm not short!...or that short!"

"Or loudmouthed. Or with the creepy laugh."

"Iiiiinteresting." Kuja leaned on his elbow, glancing at Kefka. Flustered, Kefka adjusted his ponytail.

"You seem too interested in this....matter...doll. What team did you bat for when you were alive, anyways?"

Kuja's smirk slowly spread into an offhand grin. "I didn't just play, I owned the field."

"Uwee, what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I'll leave it to your imagination."

"Tell us, pleeeease," Kefka whined.

"I'm afraid if I explained it, I'd have to kill you."

"We're already dead!" Everyone at the table shouted. A blush tinged Kuja's cheeks.

"That's a story for some other time, boys," he said, smiling again. Kuja took the Bloody Moogle that a second waitress brought to the table. "But....Thank you for a wonderful welcoming home."

-------

end chapter 33


	34. How Many Fanboys is Too Many?

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a proper retort from my chocobo. He likes to cast Meteo on people, not sure why.) And, on another note, thanks to everyone reviewing the newer chapters. The more you review, the more I feel like writing. ; (And if you're still here after the last chapter, congrats, you're truly wonderful.)

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 34: How Many Fanboys is Too Many?

Kuja's jaw popped as he yawned through the end of his nap. He rubbed his eyes, noting the rapt look he was receiving from Kefka.

"...don't stare at me like that, it's mildly disturbing."

"Uwee..."

He looked around the table. The Cat was asleep on the new newspaper, but the other seat was empty.

"Where's Sephiroth?"

"Ah....getting his sword....realigned...uwee hee."

"Realigned?"

"That's what the dumb git gets for betting that I couldn't twist his blade into a pretzel."

"Kefka!"

"Where there's a will, there's a way, I always say..."

"That wasn't very nice."

"What, you're siding with him?" Kefka huffed. "He _dared_ me to do it!"

"And you took him up on it."

"Of course!"

"Glad to see nothing's changed," Kuja sighed.

"Uwee...." Kefka scooted his chair a bit closer to Kuja's. "Say, maybe we'll get lucky and he won't come back."

He looked at Kefka doubtfully. "What makes you say that?"

"Well...." The chair scooted again. "It would be quite fortunate. On my part, at least."

Kuja sweatdropped. "You really don't care that I'm a guy now, do you?"

"It...uwee...Does change things, yes it does." The blonde peered up at Kuja, grinning. "But no, I'd say it makes things easier."

"You would?"

"Uh huh."

"Why's that?"

"Because now I _know_ what's under your skirt, doll."

Kuja's fist connected with Kefka's pale forehead, and sent he and his chair back several inches. Kefka drooped over the table, still grinning as he held an empty glass against his forehead. The ice in the glass clinked as he giggled.

"Uwee...you really haven't changed, doll...." He looked up at Kuja woozily. "You're still ravishingly...ravishing.."

"And you're still a persistent idiot."

"Yes...uwee hee..."

"So..." Kuja picked up his glass and took a sip of its murky maroon contents. "Did I miss anything else while I was napping?"

"Just me staring adoringly at you."

"I thought I told you to stop doing that!" Kuja half-raised in his seat, preparing to deck him again.

Sephiroth's voice boomed behind them. "Ooh, violence toward Kefka? Let me help!"

Kefka ducked as the Masamune slashed at his head. "Hey! Mind the hair!"

"I was."

"Jackass!"

Sephiroth smirked. "In the flesh." He flopped in his chair, straightened sword in hand.

Kuja turned in his seat. "I see your sword's better."

"No thanks to Kefka," Sephiroth said. "Can we go back to beating him up?"

"I'm afraid you arrived at the end of Kefka beat-up time," Kuja smirked.

"Rats."

"There shouldn't be a designated beating up Kefka time!" the villain in question flailed a bit.

"Poor thiiiing," Kuja patted the top of his head.

"Yes, that's right, pity me," Kefka grumbled.

"You're quite pitiful," Sephiroth said.

"You're going to be quite bald if you don't shut up," Kefka growled, wiggling his fingers menacingly. Sephiroth cringed, reaching up to check his hair.

"Uh...change of topic..." he said, apparently satisfied with his hair's safety. "Um...Kuja?"

"What?"

"Why did you change back into a guy all the sudden anyways? I mean, you were a chick for...several millennia."

"That's a good question," Kefka said, slouching back into his seat. "I mean, if you were turned into a chick as your punishment, why _end_ it all the sudden?"

"I asked that myself," Kuja said, sipping his drink. "From what I remember, the doctors at Hell's Bells told me that when everyone dies, their amount of punishment is determined and allotted."

"What's that mean in English?"

"It means that how long I was female was pre-determined," Kuja said.

"Seems like a rather random amount of time," Sephiroth noted. Kuja shrugged.

"It might've been."

"Well, your punishment seems...rather obvious," Kefka said. "But what about mine? Or his?"

"You said yourself that you're on permanent low-power mode," Kuja said. "Isn't that punishment enough?"

"I suppose so," he sighed.

Sephiroth scratched his head. "What was my torture? Not having my sword?" He held up the Masamune. "That doesn't make much sense, since I found it fairly soon after I was released from Hell's Bells..."

"Uwee hee, maybe they made you permanently stupid."

"Ha ha... _Oh_, I know what my punishment is!!"

"What's that?" Kuja looked at him curiously.

"Having to put up with _him_!" Sephiroth jabbed a finger in Kefka's direction. The blonde flushed angrily, flailing in his seat.

"That's not funny!!"

Kuja perked. "Heeey, maybe that's my new punishment!"

"Don't even suggest it!" Kefka pounded a fist on the table. "How dare anyone use me as punishment without my permission!"

"Don't worry, I'm sure they got your consent, and you just don't remember."

Kefka pouted. "Hmph. That's not very fair."

"What do you expect? It's Hell."

"This is true..."

"And if they did that, imagine what else they did to you without your remembering?" Sephiroth said with a smirk.

"That's not funny! What if they--" Kefka suddenly fell silent.

He and Sephiroth looked up with dark, suspicious expressions. Kuja tensed momentarily as he felt a hand rest on his shoulder. He glanced to his side, spying upon a set of long pointy dark blue nails.

"Ah, Miss Kuja, what a pleasant surprise to find you here."

Kuja recognized the voice and cringed. He tilted his head, looking up at the new arrival. "Hello, Mr. Seymour."

"That's _Maester_ Seymour Guado. But you may call me Seymour." Seymour peered at Kefka and Sephiroth. "Though I'd rather if your little friends didn't call me at all."

Sephiroth growled, picking up his sword. Kefka made an equally displeased noise.

"So who's the blue-haired freak?" Kefka snapped.

"You're one to talk, you clown," Seymour said in his persistently airy voice.

"Boys, this is Seymour. I met him while in Hell's Bells."

"Oooh, so you just got released," Sephiroth smirked. Kuja heard a very faint snort come from Seymour.

"Seymour," Kuja said, keeping his voice low. "You should probably know that I'm not a woman."

"You're not?" His voice lilted slightly in surprise. "That's strange, I was under the impression that you were female."

"He's not!" Sephiroth said.

"Yeah, we saw!" Kefka giggled. Kuja blushed.

Seymour blinked a few times, and then shrugged. "What a pity."

"Are you gonna leave now?" Sephiroth wondered, tapping the Masamune on the table. The other villain eyed the sword, then looked at its owner.

"Why would I?"

"I don't need another fanboy," Kuja grumbled. "Or cat."

Meow x17 peeked over the side of the table. "Hey, leave me out of this, meow!"

Seymour stared at Meow x17 for a moment, then sighed. He batted idly at the blue bang in front of his eyes. "A talking cat. Now I _know_ I'm really dead."

"Well, why don't you go be dead someplace else?" Sephiroth suggested. Seymour narrowed his eyes at him.

"How very amusing..."

"Seymour, what if _I_ asked you to leave?"

"Why would I want to leave your wonderful presence?" He waved a dismissive hand at Kefka and Sephiroth. "I think you need a companion who is a bit more...cultured."

Kuja's nose wrinkled. "A bit of culture would be nice, but I've spent far too long training these two to start over now."

"We're trained?" Kefka wondered.

"Works for me," Sephiroth whispered. Kefka nodded in agreement. Seymour sighed.

"How very peculiar..."

Kefka sneered at him. "Yes, you are."

Sephiroth waved his sword again. "Oooh, I know. How about we fight?"

"For Mis....Kuja?"

"No, just to fight."

"Ah...I believe I'll pass."

"Oh no, I really do insist," Sephiroth said, standing. Seymour was tall, but Sephiroth was still taller. (The fact that he was in boots and Seymour was wearing what looked like house slippers probably helped.) He posed a bit with the Masamune, and menaced his best menace. Seymour cringed and took a step back.

"Dear me, I believe I have an appointment....somewhere else," Seymour said, jabbing a long blue fingernail over his shoulder. "I'm afraid I'll have to be leaving now..."

"Aw, isn't that a shame," Kefka smirked.

"Until next time we meet, Kuja...stay well."

"R-right..." Kuja blinked as Seymour scurried off like his robe was on fire.

"Uwee hee hee..."

Sephiroth sat back down, looking quite pleased with himself. "You meet all kinds of weirdoes at Hell's Bells, Kuja, you should've been more careful."

Kuja blinked again. "My mistake."

"Uwee..." Kefka adjusted his feather. "I wonder what _his_ punishment is?"

"I'm not really sure I want to know," Kuja said.

"Truthfully, neither do I..." Kefka smirked. "He was rather creepy."

"The kettle calling the pot black, isn't that the saying..."

Kefka glanced around the table. "What pot? Are we having coffee? Uwee, I could go for some coffee!"

Kuja sweatdropped. "No, I don't think you need any coffee, Kefka."

The blonde pouted. "Phooey. Not even a little cup? Maybe a little mochaccino?"

"I don't think that'd be wise," Sephiroth said. Kefka wiggled his fingers.

"Oooh, I know! How about a nice little glass of Crème de Menthe...."

"You idiot, that's not a coffee," Sephiroth sniffed. Kefka stuck his tongue out at him.

"I meant with the coffee."

"Eew."

"No coffee, Kefka."

"But why nooot?"

"That would be like giving a horny moogle a bottle of essence of kupo nut."

Kefka and Sephiroth both cringed. "Scary image."

"I know."

Kefka blinked a few times at Kuja. "Are you comparing me to a horny moogle?"

"I am if it's necessary, Kefka."

He seemed to consider this, then flashed Kuja a wicked grin as he reached over and took the closest available hand. "Oh no, Kuja-doll, I'm much worse than a horny moogle."

"There go those unwanted mental images again," Sephiroth sighed, resting his forehead on the table.

"Ack! Lemme go!" Kuja attempted to pull his hand free.

"Uwee, no, I've claimed this as mine."

"Let it go."

"Uwee hee hee...no."

"_Kefka_..."

-------

end chapter 34


	35. A Thousand Words

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (As usual, thanks for the reviews. No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.)  
Notes: Again, sorry about the long delay between chapters. I've been busy with other stuff. ::nod:: The story will probably start to wind down soon anyways, seeing as I've..ur...nearly run out of ideas. Unless you can suggest something. ; But I hope you enjoy it, nonetheless. Thanks for reading.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 35: A Thousand Words

The villains room in Hell had an unofficial naptime. There was no regular day or night, but once a day all the bustling tables quieted down. Using arms and wings and fellow evil things as pillows, most of the room's occupants would doze off for a few hours. This gave the cleaning crew time to slip through and tidy up without the risk of being mauled.

Today, quite some time after the incident with Seymour, Kuja found that he couldn't stay asleep. It might've been the giggling of a handful of Alexandrian soldiers a few tables over, or the loud buzzing snore of a Behemoth halfway across the room...or perhaps it was just the empty spot at the table. Kefka had been called off a few days ago to put in a shift at his job, and hadn't come back yet. On the opposite side of the table Sephiroth dozed quietly, his face buried in his leather-clad arms.

Sephiroth was somewhat lucky to still be at the table, as Miss 'Top Tower' had finished up her party rental stint and had finally been returned. Sephiroth put up a rather loud fight to keep his seat, and the statuette was now perched behind the bar. The silver-haired villain shifted in his sleep, and Kuja peered at him. The edge of a notebook was sticking out from under Sephiroth's arm. Curious and bored, Kuja carefully tugged the notebook loose.

The cover was black and worn, and covered in random metallic penned doodles. It bore the noble title "Reasons Why We Like Love Kuja."

"Eeh? I didn't know they still had this..."

The first three pages were covered in Kefka's handiwork. A mish-mash of mutilated chibi chocobos and headless moogles lead to the fourth page. It bore the same title as the cover. Kuja hadn't really seen either of the men write much, but he knew well enough to guess that the somewhat erratic loopy handwriting belonged to Kefka, and that the laboriously neat writing was Sephiroth's.

The first page of reasons was simple enough:

"'_She came and sat with me_. And me. _She has a lovely tail. And a lovely ass. And a lovely face. _And a lovely smile. _I like her socks. _I like her boots. Black leather is always good. _You're biased._ I know...'"

Kuja chuckled at the next page. "_'She really is a girl! Uwee!_'"

He leaned back and continued reading. Past the reasons related to his Trancing, past the entries about how he kicked Flaure's ass, and past the page about how he was better looking than his brother. On and on, through twenty or so pages, until he got to one of the last pages.

"'_I miss my doll, I wish she would come back._ Me too. _Beating up Sephiroth isn't any fun without her. _Yeah.'"

The rest of the page was blank. Kuja frowned, turning to the newest page.

"'...._Our doll came back. I'm so happy. I haven't been this happy since I learned how to make chocobos implode. _Or since I learned about Meteor. _Or since I first met her...him. _I met her first. _Shut up._'"

Kuja sighed, biting his lip. He set the notebook back down next to Sephiroth's head, and nearly jumped out of his chair when a hand clasped his shoulder.

"Uwee, do you always go and read other people's private things?" Kefka leaned over him, snatching up the notebook. Kuja cleared his throat.

"I....uh...didn't see anything. Honest."

Kefka turned back the cover and flicked through a few pages. "My handwriting isn't _that_ bad."

"Ur..." Kuja cleared his throat again. "I wouldn't know, seeing as I didn't read any of it."

"Going to stick to your story, eh?" Kefka giggled, closing the notebook and tucking it away under his cloak.

"Gonna try."

"Uwee..." Kefka leaned on his elbows. "I never thought you to be the nosy type."

"Kefka..."

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

"Uwee hee hee!"

There was a snort from the opposite side of the table, and Meow x17's sleepy face peered up over the edge. "Whoever prompted that noise should be punished, meow!"

Kuja rubbed his nose. "Trust me, it's punishment in itself."

"Myaa." The Cat disappeared again. Kefka huffed.

"I won't ask what that's supposed to mean."

Kuja looked at the blonde for a moment, then shrugged. "So how was work?"

Kefka perked, giggling. "Weellll, it wasn't all that bad! I got to watch my manager take on a whole troupe of girly scouts!"

"Who won?"

"My manager of course," he said, nodding. "They had the advantage of numbers, and their battle plans were promising, but... eh." Kefka shrugged. "Not properly equipped."

"Too bad."

"Fire magic! Always the fire magic!" Kefka shook his head. "They always use the fire magic, even though it's common knowledge that his weakness is ice magic. Eesh. Fire magic indeed..."

"....what the hell are you talking about?"

Kefka waved his hand. "Don't worry 'bout it. Just the ongoing power struggle in the Mall."

"A power struggle between the clothiers and...girly scouts?"

"Mmhmm..." He inspected his nails.

"What do the girly scouts sell?"

"Feminine hygiene products, 3-in-1 knives, and cheap vodka."

"And how does that go against the clothiers?"

"I'm not sure," Kefka said, fidgeting. He batted at an earring. "I think he may be pushing the hygiene products on the side. It's entertaining, either way."

"I...see...."

"What _I_ don't see is how you could possibly find that clown's drivel amusing," a voice drawled behind Kuja. Kefka bristled, letting out a little "grrk." Kuja sighed.

"Seymour, piss off," Kuja said.

"Ah, but I'm afraid I can't stay away from you for too long, Mr. Kuja," the blue-haired villain said smoothly, taking one of Kuja's hands in his own. "Your presence is a powerful magnet-"

"And you're cheap metal," Kefka hissed. Seymour glared at the blonde as Kuja tugged his hand free.

"May I ask why you bothered coming back now?"

"Ah, well..." Seymour tilted his head in Sephiroth's direction. "I felt it was safer, with the sword toting moron asleep."

"The moron doesn't always sleep," Kefka said.

"I know. But I'll worry about that in due time." Seymour narrowed his eyes at Kefka. "Now, if there were just a way to get rid of you..."

The blonde snorted. "You can try, but I'm not going away!"

"Like a bad rash," Seymour sneered.

Kuja sighed. "Will you two stop with the stupid similes, you're giving me a headache."

"My apologies," Seymour said, bowing a bit.

"Funny, when you say it, it sounds dirty," Kuja said.

Seymour smiled thinly in return, still bowing.

"Oh, but Kuja, I speak my words with the _deepest_ level of sincerity."

A faint blush crept across the Genome's cheeks. "Really dirty."

"Damn, I can't even take a nap anymore without someone trying to move in on my territory," Sephiroth's cranky-sleepy voice rose from his spot at the table.

"Besides, that's _my_ job," Kefka groused.

"This whole conversation is making me feel slightly ill," Kuja said.

Sephiroth picked up the Masamune, glaring at Seymour. The blue haired man glared back.

"Truly, I should have no reason to quarrel with you," he said. Sephiroth waved the sword a bit.

"Except that I'm going to kick your ass this time."

Surprisingly, Seymour stood his ground. He shook his head slowly, a wicked grin gracing his lips.

"Why, Mr. Sephioth, I do believe that sounds like a challenge."

"You're damn right it is."

"Yeah, them's fightin' words!" Kefka piped in. Kuja whacked him on the back of the head. "Ow!"

"It's only a shame that I can't kill a pest like you," Sephiroth growled. Seymour had produced his summoner's staff from somewhere under his robe. Sephiorth snorted faintly. "What are you gonna do with that, whack me?"

"That was the general idea."

"Hey!" The group paused and turned to look at the source of a deep, unfamiliar voice behind them. Sephiroth and Kefka blinked in surprise at the newcomer. "You leave Momma alone!"

"_Momma_?" Seymour turned now as well, blinking incredulously. He smothered a laugh behind his long fingers.

"A...Ansem?" Sephiroth croaked.

It was indeed Ansem. However, he was no longer the creepily cute 7 year old chibi Ansem that they had met before. The white-haired villain had returned to the age and appearance he had been upon his demise.

"I had no idea that villains being good looking was a trend," Kuja noted in a low voice.

"From what I've seen around here, it's not," Ansem commented.

"Just look at the clown," Seymour said, still snickering.

"Oh, you're one to talk!" Kefka hissed. Seymour shrugged.

"You got bigger," Sephiroth finally noted.

"Yeah!" Ansem said, hopping from foot to foot with an enthusiasm that seemed out of place with his body.

"So this is the 'Ansem' you mentioned," Kuja said idly.

"You must be Kuja," Ansem said, smiling bright. "Momma and the clown guy were singing your praises."

"Somehow I'm not surprised."

Kuja and Ansem continued to chat. After a minute or tow, Seymour blinked and came to his senses.

"Excuse me, he said, gesturing with his summoner's staff. "Would you mind moving aside? I was about to beat up your _Momma_."

Ansem's face lit up as he looked at Seymour. "Daddy!"

A blank look from the blue haired villain. "Da...Daddy?"

Kefka and Kuja both burst out laughing. A panicked look crossed Sephiroth's face.

"What? Him? Oh, _hell_ no. Nonononono!" He pointed a gloved finger at the confused Seymour.

"Sephiroth, it's not polite to point," Kuja managed through his laughter.

"Oh, shut up!"

"Though," Kefka gasped, "I can see the familial resemblance."

"Shut the hell up!" Sephiroth shouted at his companions. "There's no way I would ever do _that_ with...with...THAT!" He jabbed his finger in Seymour's face again.

The other villain blinked, looking briefly insulted. "Hey!"

"Sephy, you did it with Kefka, your standards can't be _that_ high."

The bishounen glared at Kuja for a moment. "You aren't helping."

Ansem had covered his mouth, trying not to laugh. A low chuckle finally escaped, and he said: "Momma, I'm kidding."

Sephiroth slumped over, hand clutched over where his heart had once been. "Don't _do_ that, Ansem, it's not nice!"

"I know," Ansem said, grinning wickedly. Kuja gaped for a moment, then blinked. Kefka coughed.

"Are you sure he isn't your kid, Sephiroth?" the blonde wondered. "He has that same sexy, arrogant machismo as you do."

Sephiroth sighed, righting himself. "I'm fairly certain."

----

_end chapter 35_


	36. More Than Too Much

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (As usual, thanks for the reviews. No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.)  
Notes: Dude. Trying to wrangle all five of them at once is REALLY HARD. Just so you know.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 36: More Than Too Much

Ansem turned, looking down at Kuja. He grinned a little. "I have sexy machismo?"

Kuja blushed again. "Ur, well..."

"Did you break out of Hell's Bells again, Ansem?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Oh, no no no, I got released this time! I'm allll better!"

"What about the darkness?" Kefka asked.

Ansem perked. "The darkness? I LOVE it!"

"Maybe they're lowering their standards," Kefka said.

"After all, _he_ got out," Sephiroth pointed at Seymour with his sword.

Seymour tapped the end of his staff on the ground. "Now now, sword-boy, if _you_ can get out of the asylum, anyone can."

"You know..." the silver haired bishounen gritted his teeth, brow twitching. "I can't help but wonder what _your_ punishment was."

"My punishment?" Seymour echoed. "Oh, I could tell you." He crooked a finger at Sephiroth, who leaned in closer. Seymour whispered something in his ear. Sephiroth gasped, taking a step back.

"Really?! That's....that's...."

"Gross?"

"Revolting?"

"Chewy?"

"Kinky?" Ansem, last.

Sephiroth shook his head vigorously. "Yeah!"

"I'm afraid it's true," Seymour said, closing his eyes.

"What, what?" Kefka poked Sephiroth in the back. "We wanna know!"

"Ugh, I don't wanna repeat that," Sephiroth said, rubbing his neck with his free hand. "I think I'm gonna have to start drinking again to block that out."

"Oh, no no, you can't drink yourself into a stupor until after I defeat you," Seymour said, gesturing with his staff.

"At that rate you'll never get to drink again," Kefka snickered. Sephiroth smirked.

"That's a good point." He shook his head. "Yeah! You're never gonna beat me, blue-boy."

"B-blue boy?" An angry blush crossed the maester's cheeks. "I'm quite sure that if I keep trying, I'll beat you eventually."

"Persistent," Ansem noted.

"Obnoxiously so," Kefka snorted.

"Never gonna beat me," Sephiroth repeated confidently.

"Oh, come on!" Seymour shouted, losing his cool. "You have to have an off day eventually!"

"Just 'cause I have an off day doesn't mean I'll lose!"

"The hell it doesn't!"

"You know, I oughta--"

"Excuse me," Kuja said suddenly. He pushed away from the table and stood.

"Wha? Kuja?" They watched as he turned and started off in the direction of the room's exit.

"Hey, Kuja, where are you going?" Kefka called. He tried to follow but was still stuck between the table and Sephiroth.

Kuja waved a hand dismissively as he walked off. "To see my brother. I'll be back later. Don't let me interrupt your bickering."

The four were silent as Kuja disappeared.

"Ur..." Sephiroth blinked, looking down at the empty seat.

"Well..." Kefka scratched his cheek.

"That was sudden," Seymour said.

"Did we make him mad?" Ansem wondered.

"No, he does that all the time," Kefka said, trying to sound reassuring.

Sephiroth looked over at Seymour. "We still gonna fight?"

The maester shrugged. "No sense if he's not here."

"True."

"I didn't know Kuja had a brother, though."

"Oh, yeah, his name is Zidane," Kefka said.

"Zidane, mm?" Seymour blinked thoughtfully. "I don't believe I've met anyone with that name."

"Well, he lives in Heaven."

"Yeah, in....ur....Heaven." Sephiroth turned, looking down at Kefka. The blonde cocked his head. "Hey, didn't Kuja say...?"

"...that he was going to go visit his brother?" Kefka nodded.

A pause. Then:

"Kujaaaaa!" Both men started off for the exit at a run.

Seymour and Ansem stared in confusion. Meow x17 peeked back over the edge of the table.

"Why the concern?" Seymour said questioningly. Ansem shrugged.

"Got me."

Another moment passed, and then Sephiroth came running back to the table.

"Ansem!" he shouted, panting. "Guard the table while we're gone!"

"Yes sir, Momma!"

"Don't let _him_-" another jabbing point at Seymour "-sit here!"

"Yes sir!" Ansem gave him a little salute.

"And _you_!" He poked his finger in Seymour's face yet again. "If you're here when we get back, I really am gonna kick your ass!" With that, Sephiroth turned and ran off again.

"Promises, promises," Seymour sighed. He waved his hand in front of his face. "So rude."

"Must protect table!" Ansem said, plopping himself down in Sephiroth seat.

"Oh well," Seymour shrugged. He moved to sit down, but Ansem growled at him. "Eh?"

"You heard Momma," Ansem said evenly.

"Yes, but-"

"Rrr!"

Seymour cringed. "Alright, alright, you odd thing. I won't sit there." He turned, shaking his head. "I'll give have to go find another chair..."

:

Elsewhere in Hell, Kuja was already at a processing station, speaking with one of the attendees.

"And your reason for visiting Heaven?"

"I just want to."

"You know that's not a valid reason, sir," the attendee sighed.

"Look," Kuja snapped. He held out both arms, exposing his wrists. "You can go ahead and put all the power limiters on me that you want, I just want to see my little brother."

"You want to see your brother," the attendee wrote something down. "His name?"

"Zidane Tribal."

"Ah. A hero. Nicely ironic."

Kuja glowered.

"Reason for wanting to see him?"

Kuja gritted his teeth, then forced a smile. "To taunt him and make him feel generally inadequate."

"...generally inadequate." The attendee noted. "Isn't that what all big brothers do?"

"It's a constant across the universe," Kuja sighed.

"Alright, I s'pose I can let you go," the demon said, forked tongue flickering out briefly. "But if your brother refuses to see you, you have to come right back, okay?"

"Of course, I understand," Kuja nodded.

"Okay, this way please, Mr. Tribal..."

:

"Why's he always have to go running off to Heaven all the time anyways?" Sephiroth panted.

"I dunno, maybe he's have some dirty affair with his brother or something," Kefka snapped.

Sephiroth wrinkled his nose. "Eeew."

"Well, it's not like I can think of a better reason," Kefka grumbled. They reached the processing station closest to the villains' room. "All I know is that he has a tendency to go and talk to Zidane."

"What about?"

Kefka stuck out his tongue. "About _us_."

"Oh.." Sephiroth reached for the door handle, but stopped. "Wait, _us_?"

"Uh huh."

"You don't think he'll mention that....those...little incidents, that we told him about?" Sephiroth looked between the door and Kefka, and back again.

"That's why we have to go and find Kuja first, you moron!" Kefka kicked the door open. "He has to start thinking for himself again!"

"Do you think they'll let us through?" Sephiroth wondered as he followed the little blonde inside.

"Oh, we'll figure something out, just shut up!"

:

"Fantasy Terminus..." Kuja said, craning his neck. "Wow, this place is just as sickening as Sephiroth said it was."

"Sir, please," one of the angel guards following Kuja said with a sigh. "Find your brother so that we may transfer guard over to him."

"What am I gonna do?" Kuja held up his right arm, which had several power restrictors tied onto it. The little flags were annoyingly reminiscent of the little tags from Hell's Bells. "Kick a moogle or something?"

The guard narrowed its eyes. "We're allowed to use force to prevent any disturbances."

"Well....what if the moogle starts it?"

"Sir..."

"Hey! Is that you?" A voice behind them. Kuja turned to find Zidane emerging from what looked like a post office. "Hey, Kuja!"

"Is this your brother, sir?" the angel guard said, looking doubtful.

"Yeah, he's my brother!" Zidane said. "We've got matching tails!"

"They don't match," Kuja seethed. "Mine's better."

"Ur, right..." the guard shook his head slowly. The other guard leaned in some, peering between the genomes.

"Well, I _can_ see the resemblance in the faces."

"Mm, yeah, I guess." The guard looked to Zidane. "Alright, will you claim responsibility for him while he's here?"

Zidane blinked. "Uh, yeah, I guess so..."

"Good." The guards turned away. "Just bring him back to the processing center when he's ready to go."

"Aye, sirs..."

Kuja flailed as the guards walked off.

"Oooh, that one was SO lucky I had all these stupid power limiters on, or I woulda shoved a Flarestar up his nose!"

Zidane unsuccessfully smothered a laugh, shaking his head. "So, uh, Kuja, to what do I owe this visit?"

"General frustration," Kuja sighed.

"I don't think I've met him..."

"Very funny." Kuja batted at the flags on his wrist. "I just needed to get away from them for awhile."

"Aww, Kefka and Sephiroth getting to be too much to handle?"

"Kefka, and Sephiroth, _and_ Seymour, _and_ Ansem..."

"Wow, sounds like you've developed quite the following. Can't you just-" Zidane stopped suddenly, tail bristling. "Shit, we've gotta hide somewhere."

"What? Why's that?"

"We just do!"

"Oh, jealous lady friend coming? Angry wife?"

"No, much more annoying," Zidane said. He tugged Kuja by the hand, leading in the direction of a shop just a bit down the street. They didn't get very far before a loud voice called out behind them.

"He-ey, Zi-da-ane! Where you running off to now?" Kuja glanced over his shoulder to see an odd tattooed man with a mohawk approaching.

Zidane stopped. "Damn." He and Kuja turned as the other man caught up. "Oh, hello there, Brother. Glad to see you're, uh... doing well today."

"Every day is good day," Brother said, grinning. He looked at Kuja. "Oooh, and who's this? Your pretty new lady friend?"

"Ah, no. Brother, this is _my_ brother, Kuja."

"Oh-hoho," Brother grinned further. He grabbed Kuja's closest hand in his own, shaking it vigorously. "Very nice to meet you, mister Kuja!"

"Ah, hello."

Brother turned his head to Zidane. "You have a very pretty brother, Zidane."

"Uh, thanks..."

Brother looked back to Kuja. "Ah, maybe we can have lunch some time, eh?"

At the word, Kuja's stomach growled. "Ah, lunch...."

"Yah, it'll be good!"

"I'm afraid I may have to pass on that offer," Kuja said, trying to look and sound apologetic. Brother drooped a bit.

"Ah...ha....okay, I see. That's okay..." He grinned again, winking. "You have a good time with your brother then, eh?"

"I'll, ur... try." Kuja let out a little yelp as Zidane grabbed him by the hand again and bolted for the nearest door.

"See you later, Brother, sorry to run!" the blonde genome called over his shoulder.

"That's okay!" Brother called back cheerfully, waving. "Have fun, kiddies!"

----

_end chapter 36_


	37. Mission Time!

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (As usual, thanks for the reviews. No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.) Ohoho, yes, I liked FFX-2 too much. Thanks for the reviews, they're muchly appreciated!   
I have no idea what this chapter is on. Sorry. :

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 37: Mission Time!

"Good morning, angels!"

"Good morning, Wakka!"

"Heeey, how you girls doin' today?"

"We're just fine, Wakka," Yuna said, nearly bouncing around the overgrown blitzball player turned guardian turned bad father turned town leader turned bad grandfather turned fishbait. "Got any missions for us?"

Wakka looked from Yuna to Rikku and Paine. "Don't you girls got menfolk to tend to? You shouldn't be running around half-dressed like you're still 19."

"Hey, I chose 23," Paine grumbled.

"Oh, he's busy with the boys," Yuna said, waving a hand over at the table where Tidus was sitting.

"Sphere break again?"

"No, I think today it's blitzball trading cards," Rikku said.

"That's too bad, ya? I was hoping to try out this sphere that Edgar gave me." Wakka scratched his head. "Oh, wait, I do have a mission for you!" He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. "It's from Garnet."

"Cool!" Rikku twirled as Yuna took the paper. "What's it say?"

"Um...that there's a menace wandering around the streets of Fantasy Terminus with a certain hero who's known to have a naughty streak. We're supposed to kick the menace's butt back to Hell."

"Hurt time!"

"Yeah!"

"Sounds like fun, though I dunno what hero she's talking 'bout, ya?"

Yuna looked at the table. Tidus was sitting with Squall and Cloud. The last seat was empty. "I think we'll be able to figure it out. Thanks, Wakka!"

"Ey, no problem..."

:

The menace was currently in a little booth in the back of a tavern, three streets over. He turned a menu over in his hands.

"You guys have food here, that's so not fair," Kuja grumbled.

"You can't have anything?"

"Nope."

"Oh." Zidane tilted his head. "You mind if I do?"

"I'll rip off your tail, you little jerkoff."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take!" Zidane grinned, flagging over the waitress. Kuja sighed.

"At least get me a drink or something."

"Can do." The tip of Zidane's tail was wiggling on the tabletop. Once the waitress had come and gone, the blonde turned his attention back to Kuja. "So...I s'pose it's a moot point to bother asking again what you're doing here?"

Kuja scratched his nose. "Yeah, pretty much."

"More boy troubles?" Zidane smirked.

"Ur...well, duh." Kuja slumped back in the booth. "Umma...just like I said. Needed a little break."

"They'll probably come looking for you."

"Eh?"

"Yeah," Zidane laughed. "They're like lost puppies without you."

"Well, that's true..." Kuja shook his head. "But they're not THAT bad."

:

Kefka grumbled as he and Sephiroth passed through the cheery streets of Fantasy Terminus.

He twirled a small red charm around his forefinger. "I can't believe those asses sealed my magic!"

"They took my sword," Sephiroth said, nearly whining.

"I don't _care_ if they took your stupid sword!"

"Masa-chan is not stupid!"

"Is so!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is--"

"Excuse me, boys?" A soft voice cut through their argument. They returned to non-flailing positions and looked at the speaker. It was a young woman. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she was wearing a pink dress.

"Yes?" Kefka gritted his teeth, attempting to look pleasant.

"Could you please not yell? You're disturbing the flowers."

They blinked, looking behind the woman. They'd stopped in front of a flower shop. Sephiroth cringed, and stepped behind Kefka. The woman looked up at the silver-haired bishie, smiling thinly.

"Ah, Mr. Sephiroth. It's a surprise to see you here....again."

Sephiroth gave a tiny wave. "Ur...hello, Aeris."

"I hope you don't run into Cloud," Aeris said. "He was in a bad mood again this morning."

"Why's that?"

"I hit him with my staff for disturbing the flowers."

Kefka giggled. "Uwee...that's pretty messed up."

Aeris smiled. "I know. But the flowers need to be happy."

"Uwee...hee...why's that?"

"Because if the flowers aren't happy, _I'm_ not happy," Aeris said, her voice dropping to a growl. Both villains cringed and stepped back.

"Ah...hehe...it was so nice seeing you again, Aeris," Sephiroth said quickly, starting to walk away. He grabbed Kefka's sleeve and gave it a tug. "But we're busy...busy busy, you know. Looking for someone."

Aeris blinked, smiling pleasantly again. "Well, I hope you have good luck finding them!"

"R-right..."

:

"Oh, poopies," Rikku grumbled, hands on her hips. "I don't see any terrible wicked menaces around here at all!"

"I don't see Zidane either," Paine added.

"Well, they have to be around here somewhere," Yuna said.

"That's right! And when we find them, they're gonna get the what-for!"

"The what-for?" Paine blinked.

"Yeah!"

"Wh...." Paine sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I'm sorry, I forgot that you died before your brain matured."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rikku huffed.

"I'm not sure it would have, even if she hadn't been trampled to death by chocobos during her 22nd birthday party," Yuna said.

"That's not funny!"

"Yeah, I know," Paine said. "Those chocobos were traumatized."

"Yes, it was very tragic...." Yuna sniffed. "Oh, my poor innocent little cousin, why did you have to meet such a cruel fate?!"

"Um, Yuna?"

"Oh, poor Rikku!" Yuna clenched her fists in front of her. "I would have had that chocobo trainer put to death! But Baralai said it was a really bad idea.."

"....Yuna?"

"And then Gippal suggested that maybe we just kill the chocobos as revenge, but he should've _known_ how hard they are to hit!"

"Um, Yunie?"

"Especially when they start casting Meteo and stomping on your head, and then-"

"YUNA!!"

"Huh?" Yuna paused in her memory, blinking at Rikku and Paine. After a pause, Yuna clapped her hands together. "Alright, girls, we've got to keep looking!"

:

Elsewhere, Kuja was working through his fourth strawberry milkshake. "And you guys get beds here too, isn't that right?"

"Yeah," Zidane shrugged, still working at a salad. "But so what?"

"We have to sleep at our table," Kuja sighed. "And then sometimes, when you wake up, you get pressure marks on your face, and those really aren't cute."

"You pooor thing," the blonde snickered.

"Oh, shut up." He slurped noisily at the milkshake.

"That's not very ladylike."

"I _am_ a guy again, you putz."

"I was joking, eesh."

Kuja grunted faintly, poking the bottom of the glass with the straw. "So, how's the salad?"

"Food-tastic," Zidane grinned. Kuja grumbled under his breath, then yawned. "Sleepy?"

"Why the hell would I be sleepy?" Kuja snapped, looking suddenly drowsy.

Zidane pointed with his fork. "Because strawberry milkshakes always make _me_ sleepy."

"What kind of stupid nonsense is that..."

"It's true." He paused, pouring a bit more honey mustard on the greens. "Though I'm usually out by the second shake."

Kuja stared at him, eyes half-lidded. "That has to be the dumbest thing I've heard today." His brother shrugged.

"Then you clearly haven't been sitting anywhere near the hero-table at the bar I usually go to," Zidane said. "Between Cloud and Tidus, it's no wonder blondes get a bad mental rap."

"I don't think it takes a lot of brains to be heroic," Kuja smirked.

"Ha ha." Zidane continued eating. "But then there's Squall, and he thinks too much."

"Representative brains of the group?"

"That's not saying much."

Kuja snickered, leaning his elbows on the table. He slurped at the now-empty glass. "S'like...being evil...at least takes some brains."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really." Another slurp. "We have to plot and do stuff that...despite our best efforts, will be inevitably foiled by you stupidly blundering your way to victory."

"What about Kefka?"

Kuja blinked slowly. "What about Kefka?"

"Well, from what I've heard from Sephiroth, Kefka was more of the...crazy evil type."

"Mm." Kuja chewed on the end of the straw. "I suppose that sometimes the genius is still there, it just has to get.... decoded."

"Are you calling Kefka a genius?"

"Hell no."

:

Not far away, but far enough away to be in a different scene, Kefka and Sephiroth were still searching for their favorite bishie. Navigating the streets of Fantasy Terminus had proved to be more of a challenge than they'd expected, since various goody-goodies and hero-types kept interrupting their progress. The grudge-bearing moogles and chocobos didn't help things.

"Damn, I didn't think that Cecil-guy was going to shut up," Kefka grumbled. He pointed a red nail at Sephiroth. "You just _had_ to get him started babbling about hair products!"

"Hey, he had nice hair!" Sephiroth shrugged. "I had no idea that complimenting it was going to lead into an hour long lecture."

"Well, don't compliment strangers next time."

"Does that mean I can't compliment you if you're having a good feather day?" the silver haired villain smirked down at his companion. Kefka cast a glowering glance sideways.

"I _strange_, you putz, not a stranger. Get it right."

Kefka and Sephiroth rounded a corner and started down the next street. They didn't get very far before a large mass of...something...stepped out from a doorway, blocking their path. Kefka meeped, jumping back. He ran into Sephiroth, who was also in the process of meeping in terror.

Sephiroth mewled faintly: "This place keeps getting scarier and scarier!"

The large...thingy...didn't seem to hear him. "Excuse me, boys!" It sounded female. "You haven't seen my good-for-nothing sorry-assed lazy excuse for a son-in-law by chance, have you?"

"Uwee...I'm not sure. Have we?"

The very large woman grumbled to herself. "Stupid tail-wiggling menace..."

"Tail-wiggling menace?" Sephiroth echoed. "You mean Zidane?"

"Who else do you think I mean?" the woman boomed. "How many other boys with tails do you see running around here? That _aren't_ rats?"

"We're looking for one, actually..."

"What are you looking for Zidane for?" Sephiroth wondered.

"He missed his check-in time," Queen Brahne said, cracking her massive knuckles. The villains cringed again.

"Ch-check-in time?"

"That's right!"

"Keep him on a short leash, eh?" Sephiroth shook his head a bit.

"Of course I do!"

"But shouldn't that be...uh...what's her name....well, his _wife_'s job?"

"Garnet doesn't try hard enough!" Brahne shook a big fist. They cringed again. "She even let him go to hell to visit that worthless brother of his!"

"Hey, Kuja's not--!!" Kefka's retort was cut off as Sephiroth clamped a leather-clad hand over his mouth. "Mmph mmph mmph!"

"Hmm?" Brahne fixed her beady eyes on the blonde. "What was that? How do _you_ know that girly-faced freak?"

"W-we don't," Sephiroth said, sweatdropping. Kefka struggled a bit. "Just read about him, that's all."

"Oh." Brahne blinked a few times, then turned some to look down the street. "Well, if you see Zidane, you tell him to bring his butt back here!"

"S-sure thing."

"_And you'd better do it, too!_" the Queen roared.

Sephiroth chose not respond, nearly picking up Kefka as he dragged him down the street, fleeing from the way they'd came.

:

Elsewhere in town, Brother sat at a quaint little outdoor cafe. He was working through his third bowl of mint chocobo chip ice cream. There was a chicobo seated at the other side of the table.

"Fate is a strange cruel mistress, yes?" Brother sighed around his spoon.

"Kweeh?"

"That is what I thought too."

"Kweh." The chicobo stared at the ice cream.

"What? I told you, there are no real chocobos in the ice cream!"

"Kweh!" The bird ruffled its little yellow wings, and looked up at the Al Bhed with a pleading expression.

"And I told you ten times already, chicobo gets no ice cream!"

"Wark!"

"I said no!"

"WARK!"

"Hey, you are getting feathers in the ice cream!"

"Wark-kweh!"

"It's like watching a battle of wits," a voice said dryly behind him. "Too bad the bird would win."

"Oh?" Brother looked away from the now-ice cream-covered chicobo. "Hello, miss Paine!" He noticed the other women out of the corner of his eye. "Oh, and miss Yuna!"

"Hey, I'm here too, you big meanie!"

"How could I miss you, you are like a big....something or other," Brother said, waving his hand dismissively. Rikku punched the back of his head. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Positive reinforcement!"

"Pos.... what?" Brother rubbed the back of his head. "That is no way to treat your brother, Rikku."

"I thought she disowned you," Yuna said with a smile.

"Yeah, that's right!"

"What? Oh, that wasn't serious," Brother said, waving his hand again. "Besides, she died the next day."

"Quit bringing that up!"

"Wark!" The chicobo chipped in. Rikku glared at the bird.

"Don't get any ideas! Or I might have to-"

"Anyhow," Paine said, moving out of Rikku's way. The blonde rounded the table, still threatening the chicobo.

"What are you ladies up to?" Brother wondered.

"We're on a mission!" Yuna grinned.

"Ooh, I like mission time," Brother said, standing up. "Can I help?"

"Well...." she scratched her chin thoughtfully. "There isn't really much to this one..."

"What is the mission?"

"We're just looking for Zidane, that's all."

"And a menace," Paine added.

"I have seen Zidane today!" Brother nodded eagerly.

"Really, where?"

"And he had his very pretty brother with him," Brother continued, ignoring the question. He gave a brief, wistful sigh.

"Well, that answers the other question," Paine laughed, shaking her head.

"Brother, where did you see them?" Yuna asked.

"Umm...over by the post office, I think," he said. "I was on my way here."

"How long ago?" Paine asked.

"About...." Brother looked over his shoulder, then back. "...three bowls of ice cream ago!"

"So not that long..."

"If we move quickly, we might still be able to find them nearby," Yuna said. Paine nodded in agreement. "Alright, girls, let's go!

Yuna and Paine had made it nearly all the way down the street, before they realized that Rikku was not with them. They returned to the cafe, where Rikku was still arguing with the chicobo. The little bird was hopping on the table.

"Hey, Rikku!"

"Huh?" Rikku turned, narrowly avoiding having her eye pecked out.

"We're leaving!"

"Oh, right!" Rikku looked back at the chicobo. "We'll finish this later!"

"Kweh!"

---

_end chapter 37_


	38. Last Save Point Before Final Boss

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (As usual, thanks for the reviews. No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.) Most of this was written while at work. I apologize. Thanks for the reviews, they're muchly appreciated!

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 38: Last Save Point Before Final Boss

Kuja blinked in confusion when he woke up. Partially because he didn't remember falling asleep, and partially because he had found himself laying on a bed.

"A...bed?" He squinted, sitting up. He looked around. Kuja found himself on a small bed in a small, nondescript inn room. "What the hell..." Kuja didn't move to get up, brain stumbling half-awake through its thoughts. He hadn't had a bed to sleep on since...well, before he'd died.

He prodded the fluffy pillow behind him curiously. "Figures even the beds in Heaven are nice."

Kuja looked to the door when it creaked open. Zidane stuck his head in the room. "Oh, hey, so you _are_ awake."

"Do I dare ask what I'm doing in here?"

Zidane looked embarrassed as he entered the room, closing the door with his tail. "We-eell..." He scratched the back of his head. "You fell asleep downstairs. I had to hide you."

Kuja pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why'd you have to hide me?"

"'Cause there's a trio of heroine-types wandering around looking for you, with orders to kick your ass," Zidane said. He grinned, looking sheepish.

"Who would order them to do _that_?"

"Uh...." The blonde glanced away guiltily.

"_Zidane_...."

"Uh, it was Garnet," Zidane admitted.

"What?!"

"She says you're a bad influence on me," Zidane shrugged.

"The pot calling the kettle black."

"Something like that." His tail wiggled. "I talked to her while you were asleep, but she said she couldn't call off the Gullwings 'cause they were already out, and kinda hard to call back."

"The Gullwings?"

"That's what their group was called, when they were still alive." Zidane scratched his head. "Or was it the Seagulls? Something silly like that."

"And I'm supposed to be afraid of them."

"Well...Heck, I would be. They're a bit violent sometimes."

Kuja flopped back onto the pillow. "Wonderful, just wonderful."

"But you should be okay, as long as they don't find you before you leave."

"Mmph." Kuja sighed. Zidane leaned against the door, tail still wiggling.

After a moment, Kuja glared up at his brother. "You didn't do anything to me, did you?"

Zidane blinked. "What?"

"While I was asleep."

He looked embarrassed for a moment, glancing away. "Nah, I wouldn't do something like that."

"Dirty tail chaser."

"So you're saying you've got a dirty tail?" Zidane grinned.

"I didn't say th--Shut up!"

:

"I think I may have the worst luck, ever," Kefka muttered.

"I'll second that, once you get your elbow out of my ribs," Sephiroth hissed.

"Shh, he'll hear you!"

"Who is _he_, anyway?" Sephiroth wondered, jabbing his finger in the direction of a tall, buff man with terribly short blonde hair.

Kefka's eyes narrowed, and he sneered a bit. "Blasted goody-goody."

"His name?"

"Leo. General Leo."

"Hmm," Sephiorth made a thoughtful noise, shifting Kefka's weight off his left shoulder. They were presently hiding in a very narrow alleyway that faced a small park. "He looks like a Leo."

"Shut up, Sephiroth."

The silver haired villain was quiet for a few minutes. Then he tilted his head, moving his finger to point at a tall thing man with black hair.

"Who's the greasy fellow Leo's having tea with?"

Kefka's eyes narrowed further. "My father."

"Oooh," Sephiroth cocked his head the other way. "You get your looks from your mom."

"Yeah, I know."

"So whatcha gonna do now?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Well, since I can't blast him into little itty bitty pieces, I'd like to claw his eyes out."

"You'd probably get in trouble for that."

"Yeah," Kefka sighed, heavily. "I know."

"So...."

The blonde hopped over Sephiroth's shoulders, his hair clasp coming loose in the process. "Come on, let's go find Kuja. He's more important than them anyways."

Surprised crossed the other villain's face. "You're not going to talk to them?"

"No," Kefka said, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "They're better off dead."

:

"This mission is really starting to suck," Paine grumbled into the mouth of her beer bottle.

"I hate to say it, but I'm starting to agree," Yuna sighed.

"Zidane has to be _somewhere_," Rikku was stomping her feet. "He couldn't have just turned invisible or something!"

"Or maybe he could," Paine arched a brow.

"That's just gonna make his punishment have to be all the more brutal!"

"Don't be silly, Rikku," Yuna said. "We're not supposed to punish Zidane."

"Yeah," Paine peered up and down the street. "We're just supposed to kick his brother's ass."

"Phooey," Rikku crammed a little moogle-shaped cracker into her mouth. "Well, then we're going to have to take turns beating his face in."

"Ah, hurt time, my old friend," Paine said, sounding wistful.

Yuna shook her head. "Did I ever tell you that I felt sorry for your kids?"

Paine considered this. "No, not today."

"Then I must be slipping."

"Besides, I was a good mother," Paine gestured with her bottle.

"I won't ask what _that_ is supposed to mean."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who ignored the laws and went crazy and turned your eldest son into an aeon," Paine snapped. Yuna snorted lightly.

"I was...it was...I...um..."

"You were out of your Yevon-hating mind," Paine said.

"You're not going to blame me for that again, are you?" Rikku asked, her mouth full of moogle crackers. "I mean, I was dead."

"No, I was just under a lot of stress, that's all," Yuna said, nodding decisively.

And that was that. Paine and Yuna continued drinking, while Rikku stuffed a few more crackers into her mouth.

"What happens if Zidane's brother leaves before we get to beat him up?" Rikku wondered after a few more unproductive minutes.

"Then...I guess we get a mission complete by default," Yuna said.

"That's never as much fun," Paine grumbled.

"Then we should get back on the trail and find that evil pretty boy!" Rikku spilled a few crackers as she jumped to her feet.

"Alright, alright, lemme just finish this beer."

:

"You know, I'd accuse Heaven of being boring, but Hell isn't much better," Kuja said. He and Zidane were taking turns working their way through a jumbo-size lemon slushie, while hiding in a park.

"Yeah," Zidane slurped, handing the cup back. "And we get food."

"Don't remind me again."

They watched as a man approached from elsewhere in the park.

"Ah, Lord Tribal, imagine seeing you on this side of town. Hiding from someone?" The man said, adjusting the delicate glasses on his nose. His voice was tinged with contempt. He looked from Zidane to Kuja. "And who's your lovely companion?"

"My big brother," Zidane said, smiling fiercely. Kuja bristled, noticing the man's leer.

He _recognized_ the leer.

"I know who you are..." Kuja cringed.

"Mm?" The man looked surprised.

"How do you know Lord Palazzo?" Zidane wondered.

"He's Kefka's father."

"Ah, you know my son?" Lord Palazzo smiled thinly. "Then you must be another dirty fiend from Hell."

"D-Dirty?!" Kuja shrieked.

"W-woah, down boy!!" Zidane grabbed Kuja by the arms as the villain leapt to his feet. (Fortunately, he had set the slushie down on the bench, so that went unharmed.)

"Ooh, a temper," Palazzo grinned, still leering a bit.

Kuja was swearing in Terran, struggling against his brother's failing grip, when a shout rang out behind them.

"Ah-ha! It's them!" Rikku was pointing and grinning triumphantly. "And it looks like they're causing trouble!"

"Wow, she was right," Paine said as she and yuna arrived. They took a moment to pose.

Kuja faltered in his screaming, turning to look at the approaching women.

"What in the blue light of--"

"Stop right there, you fiend!" Yuna shouted, pointing at Kuja.

"Will you people quit calling me that?!"

"Wow, he really _is_ pretty!" Rikku noted.

"Apparently Brother wasn't exaggerating, for once," Paine agreed.

Kuja looked uneasily from the Gullwings, to Lord Palazzo (who had used the distraction to scurry off to a bench several yards away), and finally back over his shoulder to Zidane.

"You guys must really be deprived," he said, pulling his arms free from Zidane's grasp. "Not that I'd disagree with you, but..." he paused, brushing his hair back.

"Less talking, more fighting!" Paine barked suddenly.

"Yeah!" Rikku hopped in place.

"Fight?" Kuja looked at Zidane again. "You mean you were serious about that?!"

"'Fraid so," the blonde Genome said, sheepish.

"_I'm_ afraid I'm not fit to fight," Kuja said, raising his left hand. The power restrictors glimmered in the cheery light of Heaven's sun.

"Oh, poopies, they didn't say anything about him being _unarmed_," Rikku stomped her foot.

"I think since he's a fiend, we can still beat him up," Paine said.

"I told you, I'm not a--"

"Hey!" Rikku perked. "You're Zidane's brother, right?"

"Technically, yes," Kuja said, cringing uncertainly.

"Then you guys have matching tails, right?"

Kuja and Zidane exchanged a glance. The younger shrugged.

"Well, not _exactly_ matching..."

:

"I hate this place!" Kefka hissed, kicking at a moogle who looked bound and determined to hump his leg. "I hate not having my magic!"

"Will you quit whining about that already?" Sephiroth sighed. "If it means that we don't have to be followed around by those creepy guards the whole time we're here, then it's worth it!"

"I wish we could just find Kuja and--" Kefka stopped, moogle still stuck to his pants. He tilted his head. Sephiroth copied the motion curiously.

"Ow! Let go of my tail!!"

"That sounds like Kuja, uwee!"

"But from where?"

"Sounds like at the park, kupo," the moogle said. Kefka looked down.

"Thank you, but will you kindly STOP HUMPING MY LEG?!"

"But the fabric's so nice, kupo."

Kefka shook his leg again. "Then why don't you go for a little variety and try _his_ leg?!" He pointed at Sephiroth.

"Hey!"

"I don't like leather, kupo," the moogle shook its head.

"_Hey!_"

"Then I command you to let my freakin' leg go!"

"You can't order me around, kupo, you don't even live here!"

"I'll order you if I darn well please, and--"

"Dammit, will you listen to me?!" Sephiroth shrieked. Kefka and the moogle looked up at him in surprise.

"What is it, Mr. Pissy-pants?"

Sephiroth blushed a bit, his voice returning to normal. "Can we just go get Kuja now?"

"Yes!" Kefka gave his leg a vigorous shake, and sent the distracted moogle flying. "Let's go."

----

_end chapter 38_


	39. Getting the Best Ending

Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.)   
Author's Notes: Thank you all for your patience with my sporadic writing over the last three years. Thank you for all the reviews, encouragement, and random fits of "I don't know why but _they_ belong together." This is the last chapter. I hope you've had a good time, and thanks for reading.

When You're Evil and Dead  
By: Sforzie

Chapter 39: Getting the Best Ending

Kuja glared down at the perky blonde next to him. Then he glared at Rikku.

"For the last time, let go of my tail!"

"But, ooh, it's so soft..." Rikku was petting the silver-violet fur on his tail. Her other hand had a terribly tight grip on the limb, and Kuja was quite certain that she may have broken it.

"I forgot to warn you about her grip," Zidane said.

"I'd almost be willing to fight, if it meant my tail was being spared."

"You know, your tail is longer than Zidane's!" Rikku grinned and gave it a sharp tug. Kuja yelped.

"Oh, come on, just give it back already!"

"And give me back my shoes!" Zidane added.

Rikku looked at her shoes for a minute. "No way, they're mine!"

"No honor among theives, I guess."

"Huh?" The group turned in surprise at the new voice. It was Sephiroth. Kefka was hopping a few paces behind him.

Kuja sweatdropped. "I get the feeling that I shouldn't be surprised that you two would show up."

"Of course!" Sephiroth grinned. Kefka hopped over to Kuja, swatting at Rikku's hand.

"Let go of his tail, that's not yours to touch!"

"Ow, you big meanie!" Rikku dropped Kuja's tail, wound her hand back, and punched Kefka squarely in the jaw. Kefka let out a shocked squeak as he fell over.

Sephiroth blinked in surprise. "Wow."

"That was surprisingly painful," Kefka said, sitting up.

"These power limiters must do more than just block our magic," Sephiroth said, looking at the little tags on his wrist.

"Yeah, it sucks, don't it." The blonde villain rubbed his jaw.

Kuja, in the meantime, was having a small fit in Rikku's direction.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you little twit!" Kuja's tail was swishing angrily behind him. "I didn't say you could touch my tail! And how dare you hit Kefka! He's not yours to hit!"

"Ur, well, he...he started it!"

"Aw, I think I'm being defended," Kefka said, brushing off his rump as he got to his feet. Sephiroth sweatdropped.

"It's kinda scary."

"When you're sober, at least," Kefka agreed.

"I think we should leave Rikku to this one," Yuna said to Paine.

"Oh, no no, I've waited this long, I want to hurt _something_!" Paine shook her head, scowling.

"You could punch me," Sephiroth offered. Paine's reddish eyes lit up.

"Really?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Couldn't hurt too much."

"Don't be so sure about that," Paine grinned.

"Urr..." Sephiroth didn't get a chance to defend himself, before Paine punched him in the stomach. He flinched, nose wrinkling for a moment. Then he blinked a few times. "Uh....ow?"

"You mean that didn't hurt?!"

"Well, a little...."

"That's impossible!" Paine hissed. "You should be in more pain than that!"

"Maybe his power limiters are defective?" Yuna suggested.

"Or maybe he's too stupid to realize it should hurt more," Kefka said. Sephiroth shrugged.

"Let me try again," Paine said, cracking her knuckles.

"Hey, no, I only said-"

Yuna sighed as Paine attempted to pummel Sephiroth. She looked at Kefka, who was looking from one scene to the other.

"Does this mean I have to fight you?"

"Ur, no," Kefka said, arching a brow. "I already got hit once, and that's plenty, thank you."

"What a wimp."

"I was a mage, not a sword-toting moron," he hissed, pointing a finger in Sephiroth's direction.

"Oh. My bad." Yuna looked around. "Hey, isn't that your father over there?"

"Unfortunately."

"Aren't you going to go talk to him?"

"No," Kefka said evenly. Yuna looked surprised.

"Why not? I never really got to know my father very well before he died. If I had the chance to talk to him I'd..." Yuna trailed off. Kefka looked at her doubtfully. "Oh, wait, my father's here in town. I _could_ go talk to him."

"Then why don't you?" he made a little shooing motion.

"Because he's usually busy playing with Sir Auron and Sir Jecht."

"Pl...aying?"

"Yeah!"

"This is ridiculous!" Kuja shouted behind them. He threw up his hands. He and Rikku had continued bickering. Zidane was standing off to the side now, holding his bloodied nose. It wasn't clear who'd given it to him.

"I'll say, I've never met a guy who could bicker like a woman as well as you," Rikku said, hands on her hips.

"You have no idea," Kuja sighed, crossing his arms.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Zidane piped up. "Kuja was a-"

"Why don't you shut up again?" Kuja hissed at his brother. The younger shrugged, head tilted forward a bit.

"Oh, what's that? Were you on a debate team or something?" Rikku wondered.

"A what? No, I was a....a...." Kuja made a frustrated noise. "Forget it."

"Kuja was a girl for awhile," Zidane said, inching away from the villain in question.

"I said shut up!"

"You were a _girl_?" Rikku giggled. "That's so...weird!"

"It was my punishment," Kuja sighed.

"Though it's not much of a stretch, really," Yuna said.

Kefka stopped rubbing the bruise on his chin. "Uwee, back off, girl, he's claimed!"

"Yeah!" Sephiroth shouted.

The blonde looked back. "What are you doing now?"

Paine and Sephiroth had been reduced to thumb wrestling.

"What does it look like we're doi-ow!"

"Ha, got ya!"

"No, fair, I was distracted!" Sephiroth looked at his thumb.

"Too bad, you lost," Paine said, making a little triumphant motion.

"You're pathetic," Kefka sighed as Sephiroth skulked to his side.

"Oh, you're one to talk," Sephiroth said, gesturing at Kefka's chin. The shorter man stuck out his tongue and shrugged.

"Why don't you kiss it better?" Kuja sighed. Sephiroth sneered briefly.

"No, I'll pass on that. I haven't had anything to drink since before we left," he said, waving his hand.

"You could do it for him," Kefka grinned at Kuja.

"I'll pass."

"Phooey."

Kuja shook his head, sighing again. "This is stupid. I try to get a little break from stupidity, but it apparently is destined to follow me wherever I go."

"Are you talking about the Gullwings or your groupies?" Zidane wondered.

"Both, at the moment."

"Hey!!" Five voices chorused. Zidane and Kuja grinned briefly.

"Can I hurt him now?" Paine said through gritted teeth.

"No," Sephiroth said, glaring. Paine grumbled.

"No need," Kuja said, turning to look at Zidane. "Brother, thank you for the milkshakes and such."

"Aw, you're leaving already?" Zidane said, attempting to look disappointed.

"Yeah..." he looked back to Kefka and Sephiroth. "There's no point in hanging out up here, if I'm just going to be followed by my problems."

"Uwee hee..."

"I think I should be more insulted than I am," Sephiroth said, scratching his ear and looking perplexed.

Kuja tucked his tail back under his skirt, then took a moment to fix his hair. "Come on, boys, we're going home."

"Yes, ma'am! Ur, I mean, sir!" Kefka said, hopping after Kuja as he strode off. Sephiroth followed, though without the hopping.

The Gullwings stared at the departing villains for a moment.

"Hey, wait a minute...."

"They left!" Yuna said.

"Does this mean we get a mission complete?" Rikku looked at the others.

"I...guess so," Paine said, though she didn't seem thrilled by that.

"Woo hoo!"

"Hey, I know," Yuna said, clapping her hands. "Let's go get drunk and harass Aeris!"

"Yeah!"

"Who's paying?" Paine asked.

"Um.... he is!" Yuna pointed at Zidane.

"Wh-what? Hey, no, I'm not gonna-"

"NOW!" Yuna shouted. Zidane flinched.

"Alright, but just one roun-ow, let go of my tail!"

:

"Uwee, Kuja-doll...."

"Hm?" He blinked, the transfer station in Hell coming into focus.

"You really have to quit leaving us like that," Sephiroth cut in.

"Yeah, I'm far too delicate to put up with that place!" Kefka was flailing.

"Oh, calm down already, they took off the power limiters," Kuja said, pointing to his own wrist.

"It was just so bright and....and....cheerful!" Kefka clung to Kuja's arm. "I think it may have done damage."

"Now, that would just be redundant."

"It was pretty scary, Kuja, I don't know how you could stand it," Sephiroth said as the trio made its way back to the villain's room.

"Yeah, all these scary people kept jumping out at us, and yelling..."

Kuja smiled. "Did you cry?"

"I thought about it," Kefka said.

"How manly."

"Oh, right, and who was the one screaming because someone was pulling their tail?"

"Hey, that really hurts, you know..." Kuja shrugged. "Besides, I was...uh...just doing that so you could find me."

"Really?"

"Sure."

"I thought you didn't know we were up there," Sephiroth said.

"C'mon now," he smiled. "I'd have been disappointed if you hadn't shown up." Kuja patted Sephiroth's hair. "You're like faithful puppies."

"Arf," Sephiroth said, looking a bit sheepish.

"So, why _did_ you come to Heaven after me?"

"Well..." Kefka giggled. "Uwee hee..."

"We were just a little concerned, that's all," Sephiroth said.

"Concerned."

"Yeah. That you might tell someone about...uh..." He waggled his sword a bit. "Y'know."

"Oh...oh, _that_.."

"Yeah."

Kuja shrugged again. "I don't remember if I did or not."

"Zidane didn't heckle us when we got there, so I s'pose you didn't," Kefka said.

"Either that or you got lucky."

"Nah, we haven't gotten _that_ lucky," Sephiroth said. He grinned. Kuja blushed.

They arrived at the villain's room and went inside.

"Who'd you leave guarding the table?" Kuja wondered.

"Um, the cat, and Ansem."

"Best defenses in Hell, eh?"

"But of course."

Kefka sighed happily as they neared the table. "Ah, home sweet home."

"Momma!" Ansem hopped up out of his seat. "You're back!"

"Uh, yes, that's right, Ansem," Sephiroth nodded. "Were you a good boy?"

"Not at all," Ansem grinned.

"Atta boy."

"I'll probably regret asking, but why is Seymour's big butt on the floor over here?" Kefka wondered, standing next to his chair. The others sat.

"I knocked him out," Ansem said, looking pleased with himself. "He's visiting the Darkness!"

"I know he's utterly obnoxious, but why did you knock him out?" Kuja toed the inert form on the floor.

"He kept challenging Momma's orders," Ansem said. "Kept trying to sneak a chair over here and stuff."

"I'll have to throttle him when he wakes up," Sephiroth decided, motioning for the waitress.

"Did I do good?" Ansem asked, looking hopeful.

"Yes, of course."

"I suppose we'll just have to get used to Seymour being a pest," Kuja sighed faintly.

"The more I get to beat him up the better, though," Sephiroth said. "Masa-chan doesn't get enough use these days."

"Then what will become of Kefka?"

"Oh, don't worry, he's always good for backup."

"Uwee hee, that's not very funny, sword-boy."

"Gee, I thought it was a riot..."

"Oh, shit."

"Huh?" Kefka and Sephiroth looked at Kuja. His eyes had gone wide. "What's wrong?"

"I..." Kuja blushed. "I think I had too much to drink while I was visiting Zidane."

Kefka cocked his head curiously. "Oh? How's that?"

"Because, I..." He drew his knees together. "I've gotta _pee_."

"Oh." Kefka blinked. "_Oh_."

"Say, why don't we go to the Mall?" Sephiroth said suddenly.

"Yes, the Mall!" Kefka nodded.

"The Mall?" Ansem said, clueless.

"Yes, they have very nice bathrooms at the Mall," Kefka said quickly. "Much nicer than the one here."

"We wouldn't want you to have to use that bathroom again," Sephiroth said. "It's so foul and dirty and....so on."

"That's right, uwee!" Kefka nodded again. "We'll go to the Mall, and you can use the bathroom there. I'll even stand in line with you."

"Me too," Sephiroth said.

"Yes, we'll make an outing of it!" Kefka said, standing. "No need for you to go in the bathroom here, Kuja-doll!"

Kuja laughed and shook his head. "Alright, boys. It sounds like a plan."

And so they went.

----

_end chapter 39_

_The End_


End file.
